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How to save a marriage when he wants out? A question that constitutes fear, agony, frustration, love, anger and dilemma.........Right?
I know you have visited my blog with lots of hope of saving your marriage which is probably on the brink of divorce.
Let me console you my friend, your relationship can definitely be fixed and changed and it will change to explore all the good things in the world.
I have seen relationships crumble like cards and I have seen same cards building a beautiful house of cards again.
In other words I have seen married couples in my real lives where there was no hope and they were ready to quit.
But as they say nothing is constant in this world this same couple who were fighting like cat and mouse discovered the relationship of their dreams.
I can understand that it's extremely difficult to save a marriage from divorce when he constantly repeat the same phrases again and again that it’s the end.
These are harsh words that kill and break you from inside especially when you're the only one who's desperately trying to make the marriage work even when you don't see any hope or solution.
The man who hate you today, for once you were his darling and sweet heart. Now it's time even though you both share the same bed room, but you share it like strangers.
There was time when you googled to search for best gift ideas for husband, now is the time when you google to search How to save a marriage when he wants out.
The pain in your heart is unbearable, a pain that never subsides during the day and keeps you awake all night. No hope no light you see to fix your beautiful marriage
#1. Understand That You're Not The Only One Who's Marriage is On The Brink Of Divorce.
If you google now you'll find out as per statistics, more than 32 million married couples are facing obstacles in their married life every minute and every second.
But the hopeful fact that I found in this studies are that more than eighty seven percent of the couples of do not want their marriage to fail which is really an inspirational thing for you too.
The only problem with these couples is just like you they too don't know how to save their marriage from the brink of divorce. It could be you've already seek some marriage counselling but it didn't help too.
It's because around 50% of couple who seek marriage counselling unfortunately there marriage end up in divorce and only 10 to 15% experience some significant improvement but still somewhere they felt isolated and lonely in their marriage.
To Be Honest Most Marriage Advice is Just Crap
Most Psychologists, Researchers and Marriage counselors have revealed the bitter truth that the actual fact behind your spouse not willing to stay in marriage with you is not because they have found someone else.
And it's also not because they're not in love with you anymore and it's even not because they believe somewhere that getting out of the marriage will give them the freedom and peace that they desperately crave.
The truth is staying in the marriage is making them feel miserable.
So the point is getting to the root cause of the problem to dig out what's actually making them miserable and what you can do to heal and make that miserable feeling go away.
So rather than pushing your spouse to get back happily in the marriage which actually pushes them further away, WHY NOT CURE THE ROOT CAUSE OF THE PROBLEM.
STEPS TO CURE THAT MISERABLE FEELING
#2. The Best Way To Cure That Miserable Feeling is By Dealing With Real Problem Which in My Eyes is Misperception.
How you perceive each other has lot to do with the success of your marriage.
Many researchers and even couples believe if you can improve the communication you can solve most problems in your married life........But that's not 100 % true.
Better communication will only help you to be more efficient in your arguments and fighting skills which limits the intensity of love for one another I believe.
When you try to communicate in better way, you try not to speak words that will hurt his or her sentiments.
In other words both the partners try to manipulate things to make each other feel comfortable which is not natural in my eyes.
To be honest I am not against communication, in fact it's an important factor for success of any marriage but definitely not the lead one.
On the other hand if you try to clear the misperceptions communication will automatically become natural and easier.
Most marriages doom due to one critical factor which is YOU AND ME.
Everyone wants to talk just about themselves, there own problems and no one want to talk about how to opposite person is feeling.
Successful couples are those who believe in moving from YOU AND ME to WE. YES it's not easy but those who do it live the best married life.
Trust me the root cause of that miserable feeling in your married life is the YOU AND ME factor.
Do you know when you argue or fight with your spouse using the word you, me and I. It evokes selfishness, hatred and conflict naturally.
The moment you start using the word 'WE' it involves both of you whether it's loving, fighting or arguing both are equally responsible for everything.
The YOU AND ME factor is like a business model where you try to balance the ledger.
It's because successful businesses are based on these ledger balancing and accounting principles. But relationships are not, you cannot do business in relationships.
Remember marriage is all about staying happy even when the ledger is not balanced.
It's a partnership that has to be built on the WE factor and not on the YOU AND ME factor. In other words not on the profit and loss factor.
Note that getting into the WE factor requires persistent effort and understanding. It's invisible but very true entity........that can make or break your marriage.
Source - savethemarriage.com
If you see the above Venn diagram it is basically a analytical representation of a healthy and successful marriage.
It quotes that when Accurate perception is combined with clear communication and right action. It automatically leads to a success marriage.
Whether you're a woman or man, if you want to learn how to save a marriage when one wants out. Just master these three core ingredients in detail and see the transformation in your married life for yourself.
#5. Accurate Perception Can Save Your Marriage From Divorce
Accurate perception is all about looking at the bigger picture in other words seeing your spouse in the realistic sense by understanding the way they think and execute things.
But before you do that better understand that each one of us get around 60 thousand thoughts every day and it's nearly impossible to understand each other's perception of reality 100 percent accurately.
To understand your spouse's perception and thinking in better way you first need to understand their intentions.
Say For Instance: It could be that your husband don't like eating chicken in the night, but you do and just because you like eating in the night you cook it.
On the other hand he gets angry on you because in spite of him telling you again and again you keep doing the same thing.
Now seeing him angry you too get angry and suddenly the whole atmosphere gets polluted.
What do you understand from the above example.
The point is you're not ready to understand his perception and view and that is possible only when you put yourself in his shoe.
That is why I said above understand the intentions.
Remember no one wants to fight or argue, but it's our actions that pushes others to react negatively.
Now in the above example the ideal solution was keeping his words and keeping yours too.
In other words you can cook sometimes and sometimes avoid too, in this way both will be happy as both are ready to sacrifice once in a while by understanding each others intentions and perceptions.
#6. Clear Communication Can Save Your Marriage From Divorce
Unless you develop and learn the idea of accurate perception you cannot master the art of clear communication.
If there are misperceptions in your married life your communication will be ineffective, clouded, misleading and not to the point.
Say For Instance: I had a college friend in my 20's he always use to criticize others for being angry on him.
He always believed that whatever he speaks people take it negatively and get angry on him.
But in reality it wasn't true. It was his perception about others, in fact there were many who liked and loved him.
But the point was since his mind had already pictured that sort of perception so he believed that way.
If you're still not clear I'll explain again. Clear communication will exist only when you have accurate perception of others thoughts and actions.
As far as your marriage is concerned. To have clear communication you also need to spend more time with your spouse.
Tell me how many times in a day you sit with your spouse and talk about love, happiness and prosperous things hardly few minutes or maybe not even that.
On the other hand count the number of times you fight and argue with your spouse on little things that actually don't even matter........It's EYE OPENING if you think about it seriously.
Research shows that most couple spend less than three and half minutes taking together per day on an average which is a danger signal in itself.
Note that your marriage cannot prosper on three and half minutes per day. You must create some time out of your busy schedule to talk with your partner.
Trust me it will automatically lead to deeper conversation and the emotional bonding will automatically increase.
Also the grudges, fights and conflicts will slowly start to walk away from your marital life and eventually your communication will also turn clearer.
#7.Right Action Can Save Your Marriage From The Brink of Divorce
Right actions can be a reality only when you look after each other's comfort and needs.
Once you learn to look after your partner's comfort your married life automatically takes a U turn and move back again to WE time.
It's because right actions automatically lead to right decisions. Now I want to make one thing very clear.
Right action is not only about looking at your partners need and comfort. It's also about creating the right balance.
Say For Instance: Your husband love drinking alcohol and he finds comfort in that, looking after your partner's comfort and need doesn't mean you allow him to drink night and day.
In stead you need to create that right balance that will serve the relationship for better.
You have to resist and ask him to drink occasionally and not continuously this is what I mean by Right Action........
Note that right action can helps the couple to move forward positively. I believe it is one of the places that can begin to shift the momentum on the right path.
#8. Avoid Unhealthy Arguments
"The aim of argument or of discussion should not be victory but progress".... Joseph Joubert.
What do you mean by argument? Argument can be defined as two people with different opinion and mindset trying to convince one another of being right.
It is basically a unproductive "tug-of-war" with no conclusion. It's important to give up on argument or else one day you will be forced to give up on your relationship.
Argument cannot be healthy unless two people are ready to accept what's actually wrong and what's right which is rarely possible so better give up on argument, that's the best possible solution.
Note that every human see the world in their own unique way same holds true in your relationship too.
What's right for you, it could be absolutely wrong for your spouse because they see it differently.
Note that you don't always need to agree on your spouse's thoughts, the only thing you need to do is kill your ego and give up.
Trust me that doesn't mean you're wrong or they're right. It just means that you value the relationship more than the argument......I hope it's making sense to you.
#9. Compliment Each other It is Again One of The Best Ways To Save a Marriage Which is On The Verge of Divorce.
Complimentary one another is very important for the prosperity of your married life. It's the heart and soul of your married life.
By complimenting you complete each other as a whole.
Remember you hold the power to make or break your married life.
By complimenting you develop the habit of overcoming each other's flaws and weaknesses which is very significant for the success of any relationship.
I want you share my own story with you which will really help you understand the true power of complimenting each other.
I have been happily married for 5 years now, there was time in my married life when me and my wife use to fight everyday on little issues.
I don't know why but for some reason the relationship chemistry was fading away.
We use to argue and blame each other on little things that made no sense....
Suddenly one day my father asked us a simple question "What was that one thing that attracted you guys in first place"
My eyes were moist and her's too. Suddenly all that anger, argument and conflict was gone.
Do you know why? It happened because my mind went in flash back thinking of the good memories and the compliments we gave and received.
The point is when you keep arguing with your spouse the distance keeps increasing and you tend to get more apart.
On the other hand when you keep the spice of compliment and appreciation alive you keep coming closer and closer.........
Now you decide what you want in your married life argument or compliment. Remember only one can stay out of the two.
#10. Don't Make Decisions For Self Benefit Make Decisions For The Benefit of The Relationship
Selfishness is natural and inbuilt in human, but it becomes a point of concern when you become too selfish and that too in your intimate relationships.
In other words you only look for what's best for you, ignoring the want and need of your spouse.
If you want to make your marriage work better make decisions that will benefit your marriage as a whole and not individually.
This helps both the partner to value and look at the relationship as a real entity.
#11. Not believing in second chances.
In 1980’s, the National Survey of Families and Households in held a survey for 645 spouses who indicated their marriages as “unhappy.”
Just 5 short years later, another survey revealed that those who believed they can give the marriage a second chance rated their relationship as “happy”.
Often time you just have to taking a deep breath and believe things can be worked out.
#12. Not allowing each other a cool down period.
If your spouse just told you they want a divorce or you have been discussing it for some time, don’t start to immediately think they’ve made their final decision, or that you can’t save your marriage.
Instead, you should take a week or two for both of you to get away from the negative emotions that can spring up.
This is no time either to make a tall list of your “potential ex’s” faults! Instead, walk up to your spouse and tell them that you think you should both take a break, and think calmly through rational, respectful ways to address the issue when you see each other again.
#13. Not reviving your love feelings to each other.
Marriage counselors with good insight on how to save your marriage will tell you that no matter how bad a current relationship is, most couples still have a basic respect and concern for each other.
After all, that was the partner you chose at one point and saw many good and attractive qualities in them.
These same qualities are what you need to re-ignite if you seriously want to save your marriage.
Those qualities are still there, even though they might not be as easy to see today, as they were when you first met.
#14. Not addressing your own issues.
Everyone has issues, and you have some, too. Sorry to break it up to you.
And we aren’t just talking about the problems between you and your spouse, but also any issues related to any emotional baggage you may have brought into the relationship that have led the marriage to where it is today.
If you’re taking a cooling off period, that’s a great time to think back in time and acknowledge these issues to yourself.
Then discuss them openly with your spouse and slowly admit to them.
Also keep in mind if you want to save your marriage that you should avoid fault finding, especially if your spouses reaction to it has been verbally angry or abusive in the past.
While many who understand how to save a marriage will remind you it “takes two to tango,” you shouldn’t imagine you’ve just made your partner act a certain way.
#15. Not thinking you can do it by yourself.
This is similar to a previous point we’ve discussed.
This is one of the biggest misconceptions about rescuing a marriage.
The reality is that it doesn’t have to take both of you to save it.
While it’s true both spouses have to eventually give up the idea of a breakup, one side alone can still be motivated and take the steps to turn things around, and buy more time while the other side reconsiders.
The reason being is if you change your approach and style towards your spouse, they’ll naturally change their behavior too, and you begin a new positive relationship cycle.
This is a great way to save your marriage when you have thought the relationship is practically over.
#16. Not resolving conflicts as they arise.
If you’ve already taken your cooling off period and it seems like you always end up in shouting matches every time you try to work things out, you should immediately calmly request from your spouse that you both stay calm so you deal with the anger and negative emotions and focus on helping each other solve the issues at hand.
Always try to win their respect in any conversation at this point, but sell yours. The idea is for both of you to respect each other to help each other make some real progress.
#17. Are You Listening To Your Partner?
Anytime a marriage starts breaking down, it's often because both parties involved have their own issues which need dealing with.
As such, something like marriage counseling is crucial.
If only one individual is undergoing marriage therapy, then the gains are likely to be short-term in nature, given that both people in the marriage need guidance in finding their way to a mended relationship.
In many cases, just listening to your spouse helps you figure out what's going wrong in the relationship.
You might even pick up some tips on how you can save your marriage from ending in divorce.
#18. Make Sure Your Feelings Are Expressed
On top of being able to listen to the feelings of your partner, you should also express the feelings you have.
Otherwise, your partner might not ever understand your own perspective.
It's not easy to express your difficulties and frustrations with a person you love more than anyone, so having a mediator like a marriage counselor participate in such exchanges gives both of you the confidence you need to speak openly in a safe place with rational discourse.
If there are financial or legal matters in play, then you might even want to sit down with the best family law attorney in Houston that you can find.
#19. Show Willingness To Compromise
In any relationship, the idea of compromise serves an instrumental role in the longstanding failure or success of the whole situation.
How much each person is willing to actually be accommodating to the other person can save their marriage from ending in divorce.
Your partner should be equally open to your own views and ideas.
Two individuals willing to be flexible enough to meet each other's needs will discover middle ground where both can be happy with their relationship dynamics.
#20. Cut Out The Blaming
If you want to take a big step in preventing divorce from ending your marriage, stop blaming your partner for anything.
Pointing fingers only increases your current disconnect, and he or she might not even want to fix things.
Ever hear the cliche which says it takes two to tango? This is very true in most marriage breakdowns.
#21. If Need Be, Spend Some Time Alone
Contingent upon how your relationship currently is, it might not be a bad idea to get a little time apart, so both of you can have space to organize thoughts and process feelings.
A lot of couples never have any idea that taking a relationship break might just be what they need if they want to save their marriage.
If their marriage has been a source of stress for a while, then getting away from each other for a while can help both people reevaluate where their relationship really is at and what they might be willing to do in terms of changes that might save it
#22. Learn How To Both Forgive And Then Forget
Holding onto the past and any wrongs your partner might have committed towards you is one surefire way to drag down a relationship.
Everyone is going to make mistakes from time to time, but if you learn how to forgive such wrongs, then it's going to pay off big time in your marriage odyssey.
It's not conducive to harmony or useful at all if you keep digging up past issues anytime your partner upsets you. Every day, get up and give your partner a clean slate so your marriage can flourish.
#23. Identify Common Goals
Finding any common goals you have with your partner is one way to save your marriage from divorce.
A marriage counselor might help here, although in some cases, the best family law attorney in Houston can also be helpful in providing suggestions both parties can live with.
This might mean making compromises to keep the relationship going, but a common anchor of robust marriages is often the sheer ability to compromise.
Now, I want you FOCUS your attention on this part. Moving on further I want to discuss about the 3 C's, one of the better ways to save your marriage from divorce.
And this 3 C's skill is something that me, you and we all already possess. it's just that we don't use them wisely in our lives due to hurt, ego, resentment and anger.
#24. Calm. This is the first C. the simple reason for this is because without being calm, you will be constantly reacting and responding to your spouse's emotions.
In fact, you will get so caught up into reacting to the emotions that you will not be able to put your plan into play.
I often hear people tell me they don't want to react. But, they found themselves reactive to their spouse.
This is what I mean by not being calm. Panic is the enemy. Unfortunately, this is the typical response at this point. So you have to make a decision to stay calm, even if your spouse is not.
Sometimes, people tell me that they had no choice but to react. They tell me it's just the way it is and that's one of the reasons for the rise in divorce numbers around the world.
They have no control over their emotions. That is justification. We all control our emotions at certain times.
Would you stomp into your boss’s office and yell at them and scream at them in a panic? Probably not, but we do that with our spouses all the time.
The fact is that every day, we moderate our own emotions.
We choose not to punch the person in front of you with too many items in their cart, we choose not to scream at the police officer that pulls you over when you were driving with traffic.
We choose to not make a scene at the restaurant when the wait staff dumps a glass of water on you.
OK, maybe some do. But you note my distinction here. Given the right circumstances, you will respond more calmly than you feel.
I want you to understand that we all choose how are we going to respond, even if we don't recognize that we are choosing.
Also, the Calm I am noting is not just faking it. You really DO need to work on being calm and this little things are the only ways to save your marriage from divorce.
Also. that means that you are taking care of yourself – getting some exercise, eating appropriately, getting adequate rest, practicing calming techniques, and pursuing some interests.
#25. Consistent. This is the second C. one of the problems with working on a marriage is that we often find ourselves heading one way, then another, then another, then another.
We never pause long enough to see if there is any effectiveness to or doing. When we have another good idea, we try that too.
Or we try something and instead of waiting to see if it works, we throw our hands up and march off.
Sometimes, this just serves to prove your spouse right. They realize that what they most feared, that you cannot change, is obviously true. Is that what you want your spouse to see?
In the midst of a crisis, your spouse does not need to see indecision.
You may not think that you are being indecisive when you keep trying new techniques, but that's what it will look like to your spouse.
Be consistent about your approach. Choose your direction, and stick with it.
To reiterate, be consistent, pick your path, then continue going down that path. You can count on the fact that things will get worse before they get better.
Your spouse will be testing you to see if you have really changed. Your spouse will be questioning your motives, wondering about what you're up to, and thinking you're trying to fool them. Don't prove them right. Be consistent.
One quick note to illustrate your tricky mind: you will tend to place everything under the rubric of “save my marriage.”
So, this technique, that approach, this manipulation, that trick – you throw them under the same tent something he or she can’t trust – and that is how you lose their trust in this process.
Your spouse will not see it that way. Your spouse will see a very inconsistent interaction.
#26. Constant. This is the third C. keep moving forward even if it seems that you're making no progress.
Don't worry about the battle, think about the war. You are trying to save a marriage that requires you to keep that in mind as the ultimate goal and not worry about the little things along the way.
Being constant means that you don’t do something this week, then fail to take another action for a couple of weeks.
You don’t start your efforts, then stop your efforts (even when your feelings get hurt), then start again, only to stop again. You keep it up, on a regular basis, as part of your plan.
Being constant means that you keep it up. For as long as you have to, until you prove the marriage is worth saving.
This can be very frustrating, so you need somebody to talk to. You need to have a close friend, someone who can listen to your frustrations and keep you on track.
This does not mean that you tell the world. In fact, in the section on what not to do in the midst of a crisis, I warned against telling more than one or two people.
I want to reiterate that here. Choose only one or two trusted people to tell.
If you have support, then it is easier for you to stay constant in your process to save the marriage.
The last point that I would love to share is about reactions and causes that trigger them.
If you want to learn how to save your marriage from divorce then you also need to have control on your reactions.
#1. You can start working on your marriage immediately to fix it. Formal marriage counseling can take a long time to help you save your marriage.
You may have to wait a few weeks for your first appointment, and traditionally meetings only take place every week or so.
So six weeks from now, you may have only spent four or five hours in meetings or counseling sessions and you may still be looking for root causes of your marital problems. You may not be looking for solutions yet.
You’re still feeling a lot of pain and stress and you’re still living under the shadow of the “I don’t think I love you anymore” announcement.
#2. You can decide what issue you want to work on first. You and your partner are the only two people who really know what goes on in your relationship.
You know what the biggest problem is for you, personally.
You know the changes you’d like to see in your marriage. It’s also likely that you know the changes your spouse would like to see.
By taking things in your own hands and trying to do things on your own, you get to choose what relationship dynamics you think are most important and want to change.
#3. It’s easier. When you have two or more people on a committee, a car trip, or even in a family, making decisions is a more complicated process.
The more people who need to agree, the more discussion is required to reach consensus on a decision or a direction to take.
The more discussion you require, the more likely it is that you will argue along the way or even fail to reach agreement.
When you go it alone you can decide what you want to concentrate on. As a self-employed friend of mine says.
#4. Hire a Detective Agency - If you suspect your spouse is cheating on you then you can hire a detective agency to get to know the real facts.
I believe it's an awesome practice but not so easy to implement. But if you seriously include it in your married life you can shift your relationship status in amazing ways.
I believe this 26 points if implemented correctly can ignite positive hope and light in your married life. The only thing is be patient, don't give up and have faith in GOD.
Last but not the least if you really care about your marriage and want to resolve your marriage issues before it gets too chronic.
I would love to recommend you something that has helped thousands of married couple to bring smile on their sad faces again. If you can trust me WATCH THIS FREE VIDEO BELOW and take action if your heart believes in it and if you really want to find out how to save a marriage.
My name is Manish Yadav and I’m the owner of the blog "Love Finds its Way". My advice does away with the manipulations and mind games recommended by magazines and the surface level advice of TV gurus… We’ll dive DEEP into the psychology and biology of desire and give you actionable steps you can use today. Over 900,000 men & women have transformed their relationships as a result, and I've been featured in Lifehack, Return of Kings, Menimprovement, Urban Dater, and so on... ...and no... We're not here to play games so you can manipulate your significant other... ...My only intention is to help you and your partner have a healthy and loving relationship by working on your intimacy with each other. And we’re just getting started!
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