Letting Go of Self-Judgment

Anger, Resentment, Frustration or Anxiety.

Any one of these feelings, on its own, has the potential to feel paralyzing.When you can’t forgive or forget or relax or let go, it can feel like you’re fighting a mental war that consumes every fiber of your being.

It’s absolutely exhausting, and efforts to end it can seem futile.

Not only do the feelings have a way of returning, like some mythical beast that regenerates its head every time it’s cut off, they also tend to grow exponentially the more we fight or resist them.

But it’s not just that these feelings can be intense and overwhelming. When we find it hard to create calm and clarity, it’s often because we’re responding to our emotions with more emotions, creating new layers of pain and suffering.

One way we often do this is through self-judgment.Many of us know that we judge ourselves for our flaws and mistakes, but we may not realize that we also judge ourselves for having feelings. It’s as if we believe it’s wrong to feel anything that doesn’t seem positive.

So we tell ourselves we’re messing up or failing—that there’s something wrong with us for struggling.

And then, instead of dealing with the real issue, we get even more stuck with depression, guilt, and shame.

We get caught in a web of self-critical thoughts, exacerbating the initial feeling and pulling us further away from the possibility of a proactive attempt to address it.​

How can we possibly learn from an emotion if we refuse to allow ourselves permission and space to fully feel and explore it?

How can we hope to find a sense of relief and peace if our conclusions about ourselves cause more stress and pain?

To let go of the self-judgment we feel when we struggle, we first need to accept three things:-We’re doing the best we can.

If we’re having a hard time, it’s because we don’t yet have the tools to effectively deal with whatever challenge we’re facing. After we learn them, we need to learn to use them, and that takes time and practice.​

We’re not wrong; our expectations are.

It’s human to feel, to hurt, and to struggle. While we can grow and improve with time, it’s unfair to expect perfection or the ability to completely transcend life’s inevitable hurts and challenges.-

Our feelings don’t mean anything about us. If we want to change our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, we first need to challenge the assumptions,conclusions, and beliefs underneath them.

So how exactly do we let go of self-judgment?​

REALIZE YOU’RE ASSIGNING MEANING TO EVENTS AND EMOTIONS​

You’ve likely noticed a pattern in each of the previous sections: to move through any emotion, we need to examine our stories and, in particular, the meaning we assign to our experiences and feelings.

We tell ourselves stories all the time:It’s wrong to feel this way because... I shouldn’t feel this way because… Because I feel this, it must mean… I always feel this, and that means…

Or…

This shouldn’t have happened because… This is bad or unfair because… Because this happened, it must mean… This always happens, so that must mean…

You can likely fill in the blanks with any number of interpretations you’ve given to your emotions and experiences.

It’s how we attempt to protect ourselves. We try to make sense of what we’re going through so that we can learn from it and hopefully avoid more pain in the future.​

But lessons formed through self-judgment are rarely empowering ones, and ironically, looking for those lessons in an attempt to avoid future pain creates pain in the present.

The good news is that we can minimize that pain once we realize that we’re choosing what to think, believe, and do based not on reality but our perception of it.

Once you’ve challenged your perception of your circumstances and yourself…

IDENTIFY ASSUMPTIONS, BELIEFS, AND CONCLUSIONS​

​If you’re judging yourself for struggling in some way, it’s likely about more that than the issue itself. Odds are, you’ve known other people who’ve struggled similarly and you didn’t judge them as harshly.

If you judge yourself more harshly than you’d judge them, it’s because you’re carrying the added weight of your beliefs, assumptions, and conclusions.

When I was in high school, I felt angry that I’d been made to feel bad—but then I concluded that I was bad for feeling angry.

So I tried to numb my emotions through cycles of starving, binging, and purging. I had to avoid my feelings; it was wrong to feel them.

In college, I felt discouraged that after years in therapy, I still struggled. I frequently told myself that I was helpless—and then I concluded that I must be a weak person to so frequently lose hope.

So I then stopped trying altogether. I had to give up; weak people don’t get better.In my twenties, I felt lonely because I’d isolated myself, but then I felt pathetic for feeling lonely.

Obviously, I had no friends because I’d messed up old relationships and wasn’t worthy of new ones.

So then, I closed my mind to the potential of ever connecting other people. I had to shut down; I clearly didn’t deserve connection.​

My beliefs and interpretations guided my choices, and because the former were disempowering, the latter were as well.

No matter how conflicting or “negative” my emotions, it wasn’t wrong to feel them.No matter how I’d struggled with healing, that didn’t mean I couldn’t. And no matter how overwhelming my shame, that didn’t mean I didn’t deserve love.

My thoughts only had power because I gave power to the beliefs that supported them.​

It was only when I challenged the underlying beliefs that I was able to change the meaning I’d given to my feelings and experiences. And it was only when I changed those beliefs that I was able to change my choices—and accordingly, my life.

The events that have occurred, those are facts. Your feelings about those events and yourself are based on conclusions you’ve formed about the facts.Once you’ve challenged your assumptions, beliefs, and conclusions…

ASSIGN A NEW MEANING TO YOUR EXPERIENCES AND FEELINGS​.

​If you’re feeling angry, you could conclude that you’re too easily hurt and you’lllikely never be happy. Or you could conclude that your anger is a guidepost that canhelp you understand yourself better so you can learn to be happier.

If you’re feeling resentful, you could conclude that you’re selfish anduncompassionate and, therefore, a bad person.

Or you could conclude that you’reresponding to an emotional trigger and that you deserve self-compassion as youexamine and address it.

If you’re feeling frustrated, you could conclude that it’s because you’re a failure.

Or you could conclude that you haven’t yet identified what you want or learned how to work toward it; or, that what you’re trying to do is hard, and you deserve credit for working toward it regardless.

If you’re feeling anxiety, you could conclude that you’re a weak person and that you just can’t handle life. Or you could conclude that you struggle with anxiety because of difficult life experiences and that you’re strong to have survived them.

The opposite of self-judgment is self-empathy, so re-frame your perception to see yourself as someone who is learning, growing, and doing your best, even if you’re struggling with something right now.

This won’t necessarily make it easy to let go of difficult feelings. But it will be a lot easier to learn from them and move through them if you remember that we all hurt, but that doesn’t mean you deserve it.​

So guys In this 3 lessons till now,

you’ve learned how to leverage difficult emotions to work for you, not against you. Prior to reading this, you may have assumed that anger, frustration, and anxiety are all useless, negative states that must be escaped as quickly as possible.

Hopefully, this has shown you that each of these emotions can serve you, if you can let go of your limiting stories about them and focus instead on what you can learn from them.

In much the same way that we can change our state of mind by changing our stories about our emotions, we can change our lives by changing our stories about our past.​

Now that you've understood how to handle anger, frustration and anxiety now, it's time to do something more productive that will take your life to the NEXT LEVEL.

In the next lesson we will dicuss about passion, how you can follow your passion by doing what you love and reap amazing results in life.

Believe me it was important first to release your anger, frustration and anxiety before we could talk about passion because the fact is even when you follow your passion and do things that you love doing obstacles will come, certain things will still make you angry and frustrated.

This is the reason why I covered these three things first so in tomorrow's class we will discuss in detail about IMPORTANCE of PASSION and How it can help you to live the life of your dreams.

Bye for now, I hope you enjoyed reading today's lesson stay tuned for tomorrow. Have a nice day.

About the Author Manish Yadav

Hi, I'm Manish A passionate blogger from India. I'm on a mission to help you discover your lost happiness and inner peace again by truly connecting with your soul. Believe me you deserve to be truly happy and prosperous in this one and only life.

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