Before we begin getting into this about how men think about sex, or what sex means to man, I want to make one thing clear:
We’re going to be talking about sex in this article and more importantly how men think about sex.
It’s not that I think you’re a prude. After all, sex is a healthy part of any loving relationship. And, it’s fun!
But sex is also a healer. You see, in relationships, sometimes infrequent sex – or no sex at all – can be a sign that something isn’t as it should be.
So we’re not going to be talking about Cosmo-style advice like “How To Turn Your Man On In Ten Easy Steps”
Instead, the advice in this article is meant to help women who are already in a relationship speak to their men when words just aren’t cutting it and more importantly what sex means to man.
Now, let’s get back to those of you who are maybe thinking that the lack of sex and the problems in your relationship may be related in some way.
So. Now that we’ve gotten all those caveats out of the way, let’s talk about sex, ladies.
The fundamental thing you need to know about how men think about sex in the context of relationships is that they are always operating under two equally strong, parallel instincts regarding sex.
And to illustrate these parallel instincts, I am going to ask you to imagine the following scenario:
# Point 1.
It’s Friday, and you had one hell of a work day, but you promised to make him a special meal for a stay-at-home date. So even though you are exhausted, you whip up the special dinner, and he loves it. Success!
Then after dinner, you’re cleaning up in the kitchen, and you go into a kind of Zen state. You rethink your long day, maybe making a list of things to follow up with on Monday.
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You think about how great it will be to get in bed and maybe get through some of that book you have been dying to read.
You look forward to be able to sleep in tomorrow, and you also tick off a checklist of personal tasks you want to accomplish this weekend.
This is when your guy saunters in, maybe bringing a serving dish you forgot on the table – great, and the dishwasher’s already running,
So it has to be washed by hand – and passing by you to stick it in the sink, he tries to get cozy with you and cop a feel.
That's what sex means to man. But what is your reaction?
It depends, right? If you spent dinner bitching about your day, you might give him a withering look that sends him scurrying back to the sofa.
Your basic thinking is, did you not hear me? Don’t you know I had a long-ass day? And then I cook you dinner, and clean up, and now you want to have sex?!
If you are in a bit of a better mood than that, you probably shoo him off with a laugh and a “Come on, honey, not now.” You love him to bits, but his timing is the worst.
Wiping down a messy countertop after being in the kitchen for two hours, and after a full work day, you clearly are not at your sexiest.
I mean, where was this touchy-feely man last weekend, after that cocktail party, when you were raring to go and he was asleep 10 minutes after you got home?
These are two of the most likely reactions; yours may differ slightly. But chances are, I am not too far off.
And I would be willing to bet that rarely, if ever, does it make you want to throw down your dish towel and take him on the kitchen floor.
And that is fair, considering the circumstances. When you’re not into it, you’re not into it.
# Point 2
Now, let’s talk about what he is thinking when he does something like that. This is when those parallel, intertwined instincts come into play.
One of those instincts hasn’t changed since the day he discovered girls. It’s the same instinct that makes him want to turn and watch a pretty girl walk by, and the one that makes him grab you at what you perceive to be inopportune times.
Basically, it goes like this: GIRL! PRETTY! BOOBIES!
Look, it ain’t pretty. But it’s there, and it is about as hard-wired into him as his desire to chase. That's how men think about SEX and GIRLS.
And it means that no matter how old he is, or how mature he appears, or how long he has been with you, inside of him there is still that young kid who CANNOT FREAKING BELIEVE that there is a girl, in his house, whose boobs he can touch.
It makes him giddy, and it makes him love you, and to show you how just tear-jerkingly thankful he is that you let him near you, he is going to cop a feel.
Which brings me to the second parallel instinct. This second instinct is not as basic; it comes with maturity and with increased experience in adult relationships. And it is about communicating with you.
It’s not that men can’t communicate verbally. In that way, at least, they have indeed surpassed their cavemen ancestors! But men simply are not as, well, chatty as women.
This leads us to,
# Point 3
So when he comes into that kitchen with the extra dirty dish and comes up behind you at the sink and wraps his arms around you and nibbles your shoulder and tries to cop a feel.
In addition to OMG GIRL IN MY HOUSE, it is also his way of communicating his love for you.
Even if he says, “Thanks for dinner,” it is the physicality of what he is doing that put the finishing touches on that sentiment.
Now, he probably wouldn’t balk at you throwing down your dish towel and taking him on the kitchen floor.
But more often than not, those little advances don’t necessarily mean that he wants to take you to the bedroom that instant.
And just as often, he doesn’t even necessarily want it to turn into a quick make-out session.
In essence, it has little to do with the act of having sex, but is more about physicalizing the emotional bond he feels with you right in that moment.
And here is where we run into the overall problem of lack of sex in a relationship.
As I just said, a moment like this does not mean that he is “pestering” you to have sex at an inopportune time.
But you misunderstand it to mean just that – and so, to stop things before they get started, you shut him down with a look or a playful “Stop it!”
I get that instinct on your part. Even if you’re feeling a little frisky, you don’t want to get him all worked up just to tell him that you’re not in the mood to have sex right then. That’s not really fair.
So basically, what we’re talking about here is crossed wires: You are misinterpreting his busting a move on you, and he is misinterpreting your reaction.
Because while your reaction is a combination of exhaustion and not wanting to send mixed signals, he sees it as a rejection of the emotion he is trying to express.
Kind of puts that interaction in a new light, doesn’t it?
# Point 4
Now, let’s put it in the greater context of your relationship.
While you may have always rejected this kind of advance from him, in the beginning of the relationship you were probably a LOT more playful about it.
After all, you still wanted to let him know that the topic of sex was on the table, so to speak. You didn’t want him to think that you were rejecting HIM; just his advances, and just at that moment in time.
So while you gave him a giggly “Stop it!” you probably made sure to give as good as you got as soon as you could.
And that’s fine – it is part of the flirting process, that cat-and-mouse dynamic. All part of the chase.
But at some point, it became a rejection outright – without the follow-up. And he is going to take that rejection especially hard.
And if it happens pretty much every time he does it, eventually he is going to stop doing it.
How do you think he feels when he does try to engage you in sex, and you give him the brush-off?
I will tell you how he feels – he feels the exact same way you do when you want to have a talk with him, or cuddle with him, and he gets annoyed and tells you he can’t right now for whatever reason, even though it doesn’t seem like he is doing anything of any importance.
Ouch. Right?
# Point 5
Now, let’s see what you can do about this.
I want you to read carefully here, because like I said, this isn’t Cosmo. I am not here to tell you Ten Hot Ways To Make Your Man Your Sex Slave! or anything like that.
And, look – even in long-term relationships and marriages, no still means no. If you don’t want to have sex at any given moment, don’t.
But re-introducing the sexual tension, playfulness and spark that you enjoy with this man is going to go a long way to healing whatever is wrong with your relationship.
So let’s take a deep breath, open our minds, and get into how to do that.
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We will start with the hypothetical situation that I explained above. The next time he interrupts some task you’re doing with some kind of physical affection, take a moment to be in that moment.
Give him a squeeze back. Or, ask him playfully where this is coming from.
Or say seductively that you are occupied at the moment, but you will get back to him later – maybe when he is least expecting it.
Just do whatever is normal for your unique relationship dynamic; what’s important is that you acknowledge what he is doing in a positive way instead of a negative way.
You can also do it to him when you’re feeling frisky – even if you don’t necessarily want to have sex at that moment.
And it can be physical or verbal, or a combination of both; whichever makes you express yourself best.
# Point 6
So, for example, let’s say that you think he looks superhot when he is washing the car.
Bring him some water or a beer, and tell him just that - that you think he looks super hot when he is washing the car, and you thought he’d like to be brought a beer by a pretty girl while he is being all sweaty and masculine.
Then give him a kiss, and saunter back to whatever you were doing.
If you feel like he is always pulling this stuff at inopportune times, you can also direct the action, so to speak, in effect training him to bust a move when you will be most likely to be into it.
When it comes to these matters, men take direction incredibly well.
Unlike men, who are pretty much ready to get it on at any time, women like their intimate times to have a bit more style, and you tend to know what your triggers are.
# Point 7
So let’s say you know that when your guy suits up and you get to watch him be all suave and handsome at a cocktail party all night, you pretty much want to jump his bones.
Instead of expecting him to be a mind reader, or nagging him to slow down the drinks all evening.
Or giving him the bitchy silent treatment when you get home because he immediately started watching Sports Center, why not tell him before the evening starts how it makes you feel when you two go out like this?
In the car on the way there, just tell him flat out: “I have to confess that one of the reasons why I agree to go to these events is because it gives me the chance to watch you being all suave and handsome in your suit all night.
I do, I watch you all night, and it’s like I am seeing you for the first time and hoping you come over and talk to me. Who knows what could happen after a night like that?”
Or, say you are at a party and you’re feeling frisky and he comes over to ask you if you want to refresh your drink.
You can say, “No, I’m good, but I will tell you what I do want, and that is to go outside and make out with you for about three minutes. Are you available?”
Basically, in directing the action like that, you are appealing to that base instinct in him that can’t believe a pretty girl is coming onto him.
You are saying the things to him that he has wished his entire life a woman he was attracted to would say to him.
# Point 8
The important thing about this is to choose your opportunities wisely. If he is sitting at the kitchen table doing the weekly budget and cursing under his breath, you probably don’t want to bust a move.
If he is on the phone with his elderly aunt, it is not the time to crawl into his lap for a snuggle. Get my drift?
Which brings me to blow jobs.
Even mentioning them is probably as explicit as we’re going to talk here, but I can’t in good conscience give you all this advice without getting specific about this one particular aspect of physical intimacy.
To put it plainly, men love blow jobs. I mean, they LOVE THEM – anytime, anywhere.
There is not a man on earth who’s going to turn down a blow job from the woman in his life.
So, if you are even the least bit inclined, give him a blow job. Ask him first, if you want, but I am telling you, he is going to say yes.
But if you are making out and for whatever reason sex is not an option, go for the blow job.
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Or give him one in the morning before he gets ready for work. Or in the car outside your house after coming home from dinner. Like I said, anytime, anywhere.
You have no idea what a positive impact this will make.
In terms of spicing up the rest of your intimate dynamic, have some fun with it. Send naughty texts. Get it on, quick-and-dirty style, on the dining room table.
Have an epically long session of making slow, sweet love all weekend afternoon.
Or call in sick and spend the day in bed! Break out the role playing. Play naked Twister. Try erotic massages. Introduce various toys. Practice new positions.
It literally makes no difference what specific tactics you try; the point is simply to have more sex.
The quality of your sexual experiences is important, yes – but the quantity matters that much more.
I will stop here. I hope you truly appreciated this article on how men think about sex.
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