First Things First: Why Cheating Happens. Well, I’ll start with the bad news: Cheating is CRAZILY common, and it happens all the time.
Well It used to be that men cheated more than women this probably had something to do with the fact that, so long ago, women were stuck at home in house dresses all day and had neither the independence nor the opportunity to meet other men (other than the postman and the milkman) to cheat with so they drowned their sorrows with barbiturates on the sly and focused their lives on cooking TV dinners and dusting the mantel piece) …
But more recent statistics show that the number of women who cheat (or at least, who ADMIT to cheating …) has taken a huge jump over the past decade, and now the numbers are pretty much fifty-fifty.
And they’re on the rise, too … in a few years, some experts are predicting that women will actually cheat MORE than men
A few more interesting facts about cheating before we get into the nitty-gritty:
Men tend to cheat for much simpler reasons than women (often it’s more of a physical thing for guys, whereas women usually cheat for emotional reasons like feeling neglected or ignored)
Men get caught more, women tend to be a lot more careful and take precautions against getting caught whereas guys tend to just act more on the spur of the moment and leap in headfirst
And (this is purely my opinion, as opposed to a ‘fact’, but we’ll run with it anyway) … cheating doesn’t have to be the death knell for an otherwise-great relationship.
People are human, mistakes happen, and there are specific criteria when it can actually be a total dick move to tell your partner about a mistake you made once upon a time. But again, I’ll get into all that in a few minutes.
So … WHY does cheating happen, anyway? And could your man be cheating on you already?
Why Do men Cheat, Anyway?
It’s complicated.
But, the reasons are different than they are for woman. And since this is an article for women, I’ll skip all the reason
why women tend to cheat (for now) and let’s get into the men’s-only stuff.
So WHY do men cheat?
Well, there are LOADS of reasons. In no particular order …
Because he wants to ‘keep the door open’ on his dreams.
Let’s look at it this way …
Something I say a lot is that, emotionally and viscerally for most GUYS …
i.e. it’s an instinctive thing that happens in his reptile brain, it’s not rational and it happens on an extremely pre-verbal level.
So it’s VERY unlikely that you’ll ever actually hear a guy talking about this because, frankly, most of them don’t even know how to talk about it (and they’re also smart enough to know that you’ll never have sex with them again if they do is that relationships feel a lot like JAIL.
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Now, there are lots of great things about this jail.
It’s comfy.
It’s attractive.
The jailer – yep, that’s you - might even be really sexy and wear cute outfits and have delicious attributes (like breasts, hips, and that sexy little smile) …
And, if it’s a REALLY great jail, there’ll even be other perks like great food (if he’s lucky enough to have landed a jailer who can cook), stimulating conversation, and other minor stuff like a partner for life.
(Man, this analogy’s getting weird.)
But … it’s still a JAIL.
Meaning that, when he’s in there, he has to follow the rules. There are certain things he can’t do (unless he wants to get his privileges revoked.)
And in the back of his mind, he knows that there’s a whole other WORLD out there that’s now closed to him as long as he stays in jail.
See what I’m saying here?
When he goes into your jail – even if your jail is GREAT and you’re one good-looking jailer – it’s like SLAMMING THE DOOR on all his secret little furtive, pre-verbal dreams of sleeping with supermodels, being the alpha-male, living the bad-boy lifestyle, and being the smooth-talking tuxedo-wearing sexual-dynamite James Bond-style dude with women crawling over broken glass just to spend the night with him.
Now, HE KNOWS that this is never, EVER going to happen.
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But it’s one thing to know that on some level (and keep living your life knowing that it still COULD happen) and quite another to voluntarily give up on those dreams and consciously admit to yourself that, okay, it’s NEVER going to happen now.
And that’s one reason why cheating happens … because he’s struggling against the fact that his dreams are dead (and remember, this is very ‘emotional’ stuff, it’s not logical or rational) … and he’s reassuring himself that Life Is Still Out There.
Not saying it’s cool. Not saying it’s good. But it’s a fact.
Next reason:
Men Crave Variety and that’s again one significant reason why men cheat.
And you might THINK you know what this means …
But honestly, most women (and I mean, most … like 99.8% of women …) don’t understand just how deep this
primal, instinctive NEED really goes.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s like BREATHING …
More like the deep and entirely human need to eat cheeseburgers.
Now, you can live without cheeseburgers.
But you’d MISS them once they’re gone, wouldn’t you?
There’s a whole bunch of science behind this to do with ‘spreading the seed’ and all that
passing-on-DNA-stuff that I can’t be bothered going into right now.
Just rest assured, variety is important to most guys.
Now obviously, there are huge compensations for being in a monogamous, loving, committed relationship.
And many guys will forego the ‘variety’ thing for the sake of all the good juicy stuff that comes with having a great relationship with one woman.
But for some guys, as the years go on (heck, even as the WEEKS go on), they start to get a little antsy.
And even if he’s is dating someone SUPER-hot and attractive and smart and sexy … someone who rocks his world
in LITERALLY every way known to man and EVEN IF he’s getting a lot of sex at home.
One some level … in some dark, secret place that he’s ashamed of and would much rather pretend isn’t really there …
He still wants VARIETY and that’s the reason why men cheat.
There’s a quote from Jay McInerney that sums this up perfectly (you might want to skip this part if you’re easily shocked) …
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“All men need four things: food, shelter, pussy, and strange pussy.”
Hence, the tawdry affair with the secretary.
Is there anything you can do about this?
Not always … but sometimes, yes. Keep reading and I’ll tell you exactly what you can do.
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Because He’s Just Plain Horny.
Yes, some guys who otherwise would not cheat – who LOVE their girlfriends/wives and who just want a happy relationship with one amazing woman and the incidence of these guys rises as they leave their 20s behind and progress through their 30s and 40s WILL cheat when their blue-balls are busting holes in their pants and literally causing their genitals to swell to the point that their brain doesn’t have enough blood left to function properly.
You get the point: if a guy’s not getting a lot of sex at home, this is a HUGE enticement to getting it elsewhere.
You’re Just Not Enjoying It All That Much Any More
Okay, so there’s sex …
And then there’s SEX. Hot, sweaty, naughty, giggly, mind-blowing sex that is the GLUE that binds two people together in a genuinely happy, committed relationship.
I get a lot of emails from a LOT of guys about their cheating experiences (yep, it happens a lot) … and you know what a HUGE reason why they go elsewhere is?
Because their own girlfriend (wife, whatever) just doesn’t seem that into it any more.
Take this one from Jeremy, a 24 year old who emailed me last week …
Hey Manish,
I’ve been dating this girl for 2 years and we recently moved in together. And not to put too fine a point on it but ever since we started living together our sex life has basically gone down the toilet.
It’s gone from three or four times a week to once every three or four weeks (if I’m lucky) and even when we DO have sex it’s like she’s just lying there waiting for it to be over.
Not sure if she used to fake all those orgasms she used to have or if something else has changed but I’m getting pretty sick of sleeping with a corpse, even though I do love her … I want her to be happy and I want our sex life back, what should I do?
And my response …
Ahh, Jeremy. My heart goes out to you. This is something I hear a lot about.
Firstly: if she used to come at the drop of a hat and now she’s barely enjoying it, I’d say yes, chances are she used to ‘fake it’ most if not all of the time … and now you guys are living together and the honeymoon’s over, she can’t be bothered any more. Sucks.
Secondly: the ONLY thing you can do about this is to TALK to her about it. But no ragey yelling or guilty complaining.
Just tell her what you’re noticing and tell her you’re there for her and you love her and you genuinely want to know how to please her and make her happy.
Then let her talk and see what happens.
I would also suggest taking an enforced Sex Break for at least 2 weeks where actual sex (penetration) is officially off the menu, and just go back to making out for a while.
Remember how much fun just KISSING used to be, back in high school? How you could do it for HOURS and it felt like every single nerve ending in your body had come out to play?
Once the pressure of ‘having sex’ is taken away, it’s a lot easier to relax and just enjoy yourself especially since a lot of women feel huge pressure to climax during sex (and while this definitely sucks for everyone.
It’s certainly not helped by pouty guys who sulk if the woman didn’t have an orgasm and feel so guilty and insecure about it that they basically make everything 10 times worse.
Not saying YOU’RE doing that, but … just sayin’.)
Long story short: if you’re still Having Sex, but you’re just not ENJOYING it all that much, he can tell.
(And if he’s a decent guy, yes, this will affect him deeply on an emotional and psychological level and he will become BURDENED with the belief that he is seriously inadequate. Like I said … not rational, it’s just how things ARE.)
The thing is, sex for guys isn’t just the physical release that everyone always says it is. (Unless it’s just casual sex. Then it definitely IS just a physical thing.)
But when a man is in love with slash committed to a particular woman well, he NEEDS sex with you to feel loved and secure and safe and appreciated and recognized and understood (just like YOU need cuddles and affection and attention and conversation and understanding to feel loved and secure and happy in YOUR relationship.)
And nothing makes a guy question his own manhood like being unable (or FEELING unable) to give his Chosen Woman pleasure.
So if you’re currently just Lying Back And Thinking Of England instead of getting sweaty and naughty and actually enjoying sex with him.
Well, that’s one thing that can make a guy cheat.
Like it or lump it, most guys are performance-driven machines, and his ego’s tied up in a huge way to feeling like a man.
And it’s pretty hard for him to feel like a man if that sexual spark’s missing (and he can’t bring it back and doesn’t know how to ask and the whole thing just starts turning into a giant ingrown-hair of resentment and insecurity.)
Again, none of this is a judgment call.
Not saying cheating is right or wrong; it depends on the relationship, the circumstances, and the level of communication and openness in your relationship.
(I’ll probably get slapped via email for saying this, but sometimes one isolated incidence of cheating can actually be GOOD for a relationship and can make a person understand just how lucky they really are with the person they’re with.)
But … it’s a fact. Lack of good, genuine, sexual-connection sex with the woman he loves can make some guys cheat. Fact.
Because He’s A Douchebag And He Doesn’t Deserve You
And then there’s the other side of the coin:
Some men cheat because they’re just douchebags who are never going to be able to stay in a committed and monogamous relationship no matter what (and have no problem lying about it to maintain the status quo.)
These guys are lost causes and the way to figure out if YOUR guy is one of these is simple:
If he cheats often (as in, “He keeps sleeping with my friends and lying about it” type scenario)
If he’s not LEARNING anything from his mistakes
If he’s blatantly and repeatedly lying about his habits, desires, needs, and actions to you to keep you in the dark and by his side then yes, he’s a douche, and you should wash your hands of him (in fact, you should kick him to the ground first, THEN wash your hands of him.
I will stop here. If you loved reading this article on why do men cheat then Watch This Powerful Video Below on why men cheat and lie and what you can do to stop him from cheating.
