What Makes a Man Fall in Love Deeply (The X Factor Revealed)

So then why does it always feel like you’re pushing him towards commitment while he resists with every fiber of his being?

Because guys are naturally cautious about where the relationship is going.

Most men just want to know that it’s okay to fall in love - basically, they want your permission!

(No wonder less than half of men are the first ones to say “I love you” in a relationship! (Zinczenko, 27))

Here’s the thing: underneath all the bravado, beer, and football stats, guys are soft little things. They’re like ducklings: afraid to go where Mama Duck hasn’t gone first to show him it’s okay.

So for a guy to let himself fall deeply and psychologically in love with you (and stay that way), he needs to know that you love him deeply too.

Now, that doesn’t just mean telling him you love him a million times a day. (That’d be too easy, right?)

Instead, guys are smart: they listen with their hearts, not necessarily their ears.

Or rather, they pay attention to what you say - but when you don’t think they’re paying attention.

Then they add it all up with your body language, your expression when you’re talking to them, and how happy and satisfied you seem in general - and draw their own conclusions.

In other words, he needs to be shown AND TOLD that he’s wanted, needed, and that he’s making you very, very happy.

“Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.” 

- Dr John Gray

And this isn’t just in the early days, either.

In fact, men in committed relationships are often more vulnerable than the guy who’s just started dating his dream girl: they’ve already committed themselves and he can’t pretend he doesn’t feel the love - or the pain.

Add to that the fact that you are more likely to act insanely happy, totally positive, and overjoyed just to be in the same room with him in the early days of a relationship (counselors believe this first stage,

“Attraction”, lasts anywhere from 2 months to 2 years) than you are once you’ve reached commitment . and you can see the issue: he feels it more, while you feel it LESS.

To make a man fall in love, all you need to do is tell him and show him - repeatedly, through your actions, expressions, body language, and words (and that includes how you speak about him to other people, whether or not he’s present) - that he is pleasing you.

So what does that mean?

You’ll need to use some common sense.

For new couples, proceed with caution: if you feel there’s something really special between you, you can say it.

But most men are on red-alert lookout for that official Announcement Of Love (generally somewhere around the three to six week mark) ... and they don’t always like it.

But particularly in the early days, try your hardest not to make assumptions about what he’s feeling.

Remember, his dreams are not your dreams, and assuming that you know what he’s thinking or feeling - that you know him almost better than he knows himself - is actually kind of insulting. And it makes you look bad.

So: don’t talk about “us”. Don’t talk about “the relationship”.

Instead, just remember: everyone loves a story about themselves, so talk about HIM!

For example .

Instead of saying, “This relationship is really important to me. I think we make a great team” ... say this instead:

“You are really important to me. I really like spending time with you.”

And what about more committed couples - couples who have been together for a few months or a few years (or a few decades)?

What makes a man in a more long-term relationship fall back in love (or even more deeply in the love he’s already feeling)?

Believe it or not, the exact same rules apply.

Except, you get even more leeway: you can tell him all you want about how amazing he is and how much you love him.

In fact, you should.

And make it enthusiastic: instead of “love you”, say, “You are sooooo special to me and I love you sooooo much!”

Just because he’s creating space between you doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

In fact, it could be incontrovertible proof that he really, really loves you.

Here’s what I mean.

While guys certainly do pull away for the same reasons we do - lack of trust, dislike of a person - they also with draw and pull away when things are going GREAT simply because that’s their nature.

They just need to test the water. Even when they’re at their most deep, perfect feelings of love, all of a sudden - out of nowhere - comes the need to pull away.

And as long as you can LET HIM pull away ... as long as you give him his space gracefully and without panicking, waiting outside the “cave” for him to come out, or berating him for doing it ... he will come back even closer than he was before.

Scary, but true.

Remember, biologically speaking, men are the hunters and protectors.

They spent thousands upon thousands of years trekking the forests and plains, proving their worth, fighting off marauders and providing food for the whole tribe to eat.

Those eons of independence and autonomy have shaped some pretty significant changes to the landscape of the male brain.

For example, women have a far greater capacity for language and speech than men do, because women (as the child-rearers) needed that speech and language ability, whereas men (stalking prey and sneaking up on warring tribesmen) had more of a need for motor skills, coordination, and mapping ability.

Fast-forward out of the caves to modern-day life, and what have you got?

Women who can talk on the phone, watch a sitcom about relationships, and spoon-feed a baby simultaneously ... and men who need silence, space, and autonomy every now and then.

In other words, the male brain is organized for independence and autonomy.

Every so often, he needs to pull away and create some space, just like you need to see your friends and “talk the problem through” when you’re feeling upset about something.

If you’ve ever broken up with a partner, chased him for months, only to give up and - BINGO - have him “spring back” to you within weeks, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

Men need to pull away in order to feel exactly how much they truly do love you.

As a matter of fact, this is the very idea that pushed John Gray’s Mars and Venus seminars to world-wide acclaim.

Dr Gray demonstrates, with a rubber band, exactly what happens in a man’s mind.

Picture a big rubber band, stretching further and further and further.

​Finally, it reaches its furthest point of stretch, and - PING! - it immediately snaps back into place with a huge amount of bounce and energy.

According to Gray, the same thing happens to a man’s heart, provided you don’t hinder the process by running after him or trying to prevent him from creating distance.

So if the man in your life is suddenly pulling back emotionally, creating distance, and becoming strangely aloof and cold don’t panic and don’t try to force him to come closer.

He needs to pull away in order to discover the true urgency of his feelings for you. That’s again one important aspect which makes a man fall in love with you.

If you can just trust the process and focus on yourself for a while (instead of him or the relationship), you will allow him to complete the cycle of intimacy and progress further through the stages of commitment.