Do you fume when someone cuts you off in traffic? Does your blood pressure rocket when your child refuses to cooperate? Anger is a common and even healthy emotion. But it's important to find out ways to control your anger or temper in a positive way.
Uncontrolled anger can take a toll on both your health, relationships and also your financial situation.
FACT: anything that’ll help you control a tendency to get mad or fight a lot requires a certain amount of ‘Jedi mind control’ and will also, of necessity, have a POSITIVE impact on your relationships.
Duh. But ‘mind control’ is ‘mind control’ and the ramifications are huge.
Not just for your moods or relationships – but your career, finances, spending habits, friendships, EVERYTHING.
This is one skill well worth getting under control. But you have been warned: nobody said it was going to be easy.
After all, anger is one of the top 3 strongest human emotions (along with fear and love.) Its strength is awe-inspiring and at times, terrifying (not to mention, relationship-destroying.)
So IS it possible to control your anger and thus, your mind? You bet your sweet behind it is.
The anger management tips I’ve got here for you are simple, life-changing, and they work. Some of them are even fun.
So check it out: how to change your life (and your relationships) for the better, in five easy ways to control your anger or temper.
1. Anger management (a.k.a. ‘fight control’) 101.
What is up with fighting? Practically all the long-term couples I know have loud, shouty fights at least once every couple of weeks.
To me, that seems like a LOT.
And in fact, were I to find myself in such a relationship, not only would I have some serious doubts about how well-matched the two of us were I would likely feel compelled to ACT on those doubts by ENDING the relationship, with relatively little heel-dragging.
Make no mistake, fellas: loud, ‘violent’ quarrels are the bitter little worm inside the shiny juicy apple of your relationship and in true worm form, if you allow this visitor to stay, he will EAT OUT THE CORE of what makes you happy leaving you with nothing more than a shiny but EMPTY shell of what ‘could have been’.
It’s not a pretty prospect. So here are a few of my own best ways to control your anger, bitterness, temper and the kind of mean-spirited fighting that will literally crumble an otherwise-solid bond from the INSIDE OUT.
2. First Way to Control Your Temper is: Decide Right Now to Let Nobody Steal Your Peace.
Bikram Choudhury is the outspoken guru of Bikram ‘hot’ yoga - and the dude is famous for his quotable quotes.
One of my personal favorites is:
‘Nothing can steal happiness, peace away from you. If anyone does make you angry, you are the loser.’
Let’s just think about that for a second, shall we? If anyone steals your peace, YOU are the loser. If anyone makes you angry, YOU are the loser.
Let’s be honest here: most people have tried, at one point or another, to ‘reason’ themselves out of a rage. ‘If I lose my temper, nothing good will come of it.’
‘If we have one more terrible fight, we might break up.’ ‘If I get mad, I could say something awful. but these things never seem to WORK, do they?
The argument continues, temperatures rise, teeth grind, and it can all end in tears – with untold damage done to the fiber of the relationship’s fabric.
But here’s where Choudhury’s concept really makes a difference: because it’s all about YOU. You’re not trying to save ‘the relationship’, do the right thing ‘for your relationship’, or remain calm ‘for someone else’s sake.’
Generalized, vague-sounding concepts like these generally do NO GOOD AT ALL. Why? Because an immediate, powerful emotion like anger or hurt doesn’t respond well to impersonal concepts like ‘the relationship’, ‘someone else’, or ‘the future’.
Even if you know, intellectually, that you ‘must’ control your temper, that might still not be enough to keep the bull in the barn - because the motivation is just not compelling enough.
But! If you’re suddenly thinking in EXTREMELY PERSONAL terms – i.e. ‘if I lose my temper, I’m the loser’ – everything changes.
Suddenly, this is about immediate and direct benefit (or loss) to YOU. Suddenly, it’s no longer about faceless concepts involving bloodlessly moralistic ideas of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’.
It’s instead about whether YOU can be the WINNER or not. And even better, the benefit is entirely dependent on your own strength, maturity, and 100% individual ability. It’s all yours. It’s not dependent on anyone else, what anyone else says, does, or how they speak to you.
None of that stuff MATTERS any more. The onus is on YOU – 100%. What matters is whether you’re going to control your anger or let someone else steal your peace. Because if you do, then you are the loser. And that’s a tremendously empowering concept.
3. Have a Lot of Sex to Control Your Anger. And I Mean a LOT.
Obviously, this isn’t an option if it’s your fights with, say, your mom that are getting you down.
But the truth is, most people who write in to me about their capacity for soul-destroying argument aren’t WORRIED about fighting with their parents they’re worried about, say, ruining their marriage with their hot temper.
Or putting an end to the fabulous ‘honeymoon days’ of an as-yet-unsullied brand-new relationship.
Or driving their partner to cheat, drink, or even LEAVE because they can’t keep a lid on their rage once the hot words start flowing.
So if your relationship is a source of worry (rephrase: if the potential loss of your relationship is a source of worry), then fear no more because this option is not only a HECK of a lot of fun, it also works like crazy.
In fact, if you do it wholeheartedly and to the extent that I recommend, chances are you’ll be more likely to worry about getting some time ‘alone’ than potentially saying bye-bye to your partner.
So here’s the deal: the more you fight, the more you must have sex. There is an inverse relationship here, and I want you to exploit it as much as possible.
Because the truth is as pure as it is beautiful: as long as you’re making a lot of love, IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER how much you fight.
So you can stop worrying about it. You can fight all day LONG as long as there’s some sex at the end of it. Truthfully? Sex is the glue that binds your relationship together.
It holds the foundation up. It winds the two of you together in that big warm fuzzy two-person angora sweater of ‘the two of us’.
And it saps the sting out of any potential anger that’s brewing literally BEFORE it even starts.
There’s a chemical explanation for this phenomenon, sure: when you make love, all sorts of ‘bonding’ chemicals get released.
The undisputed King of the Sex Chemicals is oxytocin (no, not OxyContin, that’s hillbilly heroin, duh) which is the chemical responsible for bonding.
According to researchers at the University of California, San Francisco, oxytocin is associated with ‘the ability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships’.
It’s released during orgasm and creates a strong feeling of emotional attachment the very emotion you need to feel to COUNTERACT AND PREVENT those feelings of angry doubt that surface during a fight (and often are the cause of one.)
And the more sex you have, the stronger the bonding effect is. But we don’t really need science to convince us that a relationship with lots of sex is likely to be a largely mutually-satisfactory one, do we? No way.
Just use your noggin. Think about it! When you have a lot of sex, you feel CONNECTED to your partner.
You’re more likely to respond favorably when they goof up. You’re less likely to be irritated by their foibles (and in fact, are more likely to think such foibles are ‘adorable’.)
You’ll also be physically more affectionate, and feel – literally – ‘addicted’ to your partner’s presence. (That’s those chemicals at work again.)
And this goes both ways – meaning, she or he is feeling EXACTLY the same way about YOU.
And the more sex you have, the stronger these feelings of ‘bondedness’ and ‘addiction to each other’ are and when was the last time YOU had an ugly, screaming fight with someone you felt incredibly connected to?
The answer, dear Watson, is NEVER. You DON’T have fights with someone you feel incredibly connected to. If you ARE fighting, it’s because you DON’T FEEL CONNECTED.
Therefore – god, I love this logic – the easiest way to control your anger or prevent fights is to simply UP THE CONNECTION FACTOR.
And the most effective (and the most fun, by far) way to do that is to MAKE LOVE MORE OFTEN.
A lot more often. And shake it up while you’re at it: try morning sex. Sex in the bathtub (or the shower, that can be fun.) Break out some toys.
Do what you have to do, but get it done. It only takes five minutes (but it can take a lot longer if you want it to!)
Could the answer to ‘preventing fights’ be as simple as ‘have more sex’? Well, it may not be the whole pie – but it’s a damn big slice.
4. If You Want to Control Your Anger Judge Yourself More Than You Judge Others.
Do you get annoyed by your partner-in-argument’s behavior? Do you spend time running the ‘video’ of the argument through your head?
Do you spend time congratulating yourself on being rational, patient, and full of sense – while lamenting your partner’s irrationality/impetuousness/rudeness?
It’s time to ‘man up’ and get over yourself, compadre, because there’s an awkward truth to deal with: It no longer matters – AT ALL – what your partner says or how they act during the heat of the moment.
It only matters what YOU say and how YOU act when it comes to anger management.
Imagine that you are in court with your ‘partner in arguments’ and that I am the meanest Judge out there.
Judge Judy and her frilly little collar got NUTHIN’ on me. You’ve both presented your case, you’ve explained why you acted the way you did, and now you’re waiting for a verdict. BAM! Here it is: YOU are the only one culpable.
As your judge, I couldn’t give the ribbon off my stupid white curly judge’s wig about what the other person said or did because the ONLY thing that matters is what you said or did. ALL the blame, ALL the culpability, rests squarely on your shoulders.
You cannot rationalize your behavior, explain it, or use the ‘unfair provocation’ rule.
All you can do is moderate YOUR OWN behavior NO MATTER HOW MUCH you were provoked. This is the ONLY way that you will move forward past your anger.
If you can’t do this, you will never stop getting angry and you will never stop uttering hot words that you later come to regret.
To move forward, you’ve got to act – as if your life depends on it - that your own behavior is the ONLY behavior that matters. Why? Because as far as a potential fight-free future is concerned, IT IS.
All that ‘he said/she said’ rubbish just doesn’t matter any more. Here’s why. (This phrase is such a cliché, but I’m going to say it anyway.) It takes two to tango.
All conversations (including arguments) require at least TWO people. Meaning you are, at the least, fifty percent responsible for how things turn out.
And you can’t control what your partner does or what they say. And you NEVER WILL.
So waiting for them to stop hurting your feelings before you actually change your behavior is a WASTE OF TIME.
The way to cut to the quick is like this: You simply act as though no-one’s behavior but yours matters.
If you want a fight-free life, all you have to do is stop acting like you’re fighting.
Everyone else will follow suit. The only thing you need to worry about, from now, is this: what is YOUR behavior like?
So ask yourself: How are you speaking? What is your tone of voice like? Are you rolling your eyes, sneering, or indulging in other ‘minor’ demonstrations of contempt?
Whatever you’re doing that could be construed as ‘provocative’ behavior, STOP IT. This is up to YOU.
Nobody’s going to carry you on this one. Look at how you’re behaving, and polish it up until YOUR behavior is ‘fight-free’.
(Note: no need to judge yourself; that would be counterproductive. Just notice what’s up, and change as needed.)
5. If You Want to Control Your Temper Say What Needs to Be Said, Then End the Conversation
Time for another question: How many squabbles actually stay on topic? (Hint: unless you’re an exceptionally well-developed, mature, and almost saint-like character, the answer is practically none.)
Once feelings get hurt, the fur starts flying – and people range WAY off track.
What started off simple can easily turn into a ‘let’s-drag-up-the-past-and-gripe-about-it’ fest, with both people airing grievances from the past often, that have literally NOTHING to do with what the original subject was about.
(By the way, if this happens a lot, it means you’re both carrying around a load of resentment.
So here’s a helpful idea to stop you from chasing your own tail: Make sure the conversation stays on topic. You’ve got to use your LEADERSHIP skills here. Don’t engage with the new subject, get offended, or show annoyance.
Just request that you deal with ONE subject at a time. Why? Because feelings tend to get hurt once old grievances get brought up.
And ANY kind of ‘new subject’ before the old one’s been closed is just going to confuse people and ensure the whole experience takes about twice as long as it otherwise would. And who needs that?
A well-placed request to keep things ‘on track’ will see you go far in the right direction, my friend.
Don’t succumb to your partner’s pain, defensiveness, or instinctive anger – that all stems from a simple problem known as RESENTMENT. And as luck would have it, that one’s next on my list.
6. To Control Your Anger Prevent Resentment Instead of Curing It.
Resentment is a high-risk emotional ‘disease’. It comes when bad feelings are ‘buried’ instead of dealt with.
Here’s why it’s so prevalent … On the surface, it FEELS a lot easier to simply ‘sweep bad feelings aside’ (i.e. bury them) than it is to actually DEAL with a problem face to face.
Most people are afraid that, by facing a problem head-on, they’ll make it worse – whereas, if they simply ‘bottle it up’, at least they don’t have to worry about it (for now.)
This is something that women are especially prone to, since to some extent women are taught to question their own instincts (and in some cases, even what they see with their own eyes.)
For example, ‘He didn’t mean to just check out that other woman – even though he literally turned around to stare on the street.
Men are hard-wired to act this way, I should just let it go.’ Or, ‘He probably doesn’t realize how bad it sounds when he says we’re ‘just dating’, even though we’ve been together for five years now it would be stupid to say anything.
Why chase trouble?’ This is all very, very TYPICAL behavior. And of course, guys do it too – although usually in different ways.
(For example, men are generally more likely to pretend to not be insulted by a statement that, deep down, they do feel criticized by like, ‘Isn’t it time you started looking for a better job?
Lord only knows, you’re worth so much more than the one you have now.’)
But the problem is that when you bury a resentment – even if you genuinely feel it’s ‘not worth bringing up’ – it doesn’t go away. It actually gets WORSE.
And your temper gets shorter and shorter until one day you wake up and realize that EVERYTHING this person does now annoys the heck out of you. It’s painful – and unnecessary.
And the ONLY way to deal with it is to bring up issues as they arise. Don’t put it off – that’s poisonous, and will effectively create grudges and irritation. You’ve got to learn to handle problems in the moment.
By the way, this is also a nice way to ensure the ATTRACTION stays present in any relationship also.
Ever wondered why ‘the honeymoon period’ has to end? Well, it’s usually because RESENTMENTS are building up, until one day the load is big enough that you just start bickering all the time.
This isn’t the ‘end of the honeymoon.’ It’s the start of resentment overload. And to stop that from happening to YOU or, if it already has, to bring the honeymoon back (now there’s a revolutionary concept!) all you have to do is face up to each issue as it arises.
Be patient, be kind, and stop listening to your inner critic and judging yourself – or judging what you are bothered by.
Trust me, if something is bothering you, you WILL save pain, anguish, and future fights by dealing with it now, before it has a chance to fester.
Resentment is a definite lust-killer – and a love-killer, also.
Frequent sex can definitely help with this (as will all the other techniques I’ve recommended.) But let’s not put the cart before the horse. Here is a technique that will prevent things from getting bad. Use it.
To safeguard your future happiness, make ABSOLUTELY sure to put paid to hurt feelings before they can fester into relationship-killing resentment
7. Practice Relaxation Skills to Control Your Anger.
When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as "Take it easy."
You might also listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.
8. Use Humor to Release Anger Related Tension.
Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what's making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go.
Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.
9. Repeat a Mantra to Control Your Temper.
Find a word or phrase that helps you calm down and refocus. Repeat that word again and again to yourself when you’re upset. “Relax,” “Take it easy, and “You’ll be OK” are all good examples.
Here are some excellent anger management Mantra examples are: This too shall pass, I breathe in the calm and exhale the toxic, It Is What It Is, I embrace the present moment, No one can disturb the peace of my mind unless I allow.
10. Stretch Your Body to Control Your Anger.
Neck rolls and shoulder rolls are good examples of nonstrenuous yoga-like movements that can help you control your body and harness your emotions. No fancy equipment required.
11. Write in Your Journal to Control Your Anger
What you can’t say, perhaps you can write in your journal. Jot down what you’re feeling and how you want to respond.
Processing it through the written word can help you calm down and reassess the events leading up to your feelings.
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