Couples often find themselves in a downward cycle. In order to get to your best relationship or better your marriage, you will find it necessary to change the momentum—to get the relationship moving upward.
Remember physics? Momentum is the energy that pushes an object in the same direction it is already headed.
In other words, wherever a relationship is headed, it will continue in that direction, unless you work to change it.
The good news is momentum works in both directions. Good relationships can carry a good distance on momentum in a positive direction.
In other words positive momentum can improve your marriage situation.
Momentum can be changed through two means
: 1) Change in Thought/Perception;
2) Change in Action.
They are intertwined. Changing action changes thought/ perception, and changing thought/perception changes action.
(By the way, don’t confuse thought/perception with feelings or emotions.
The direction of movement is up to you, whether you realize it or not. Most people discover that they have not chosen the direction of the relationship, at least not consciously.
Instead, it has had a chance to gain more and more power and strength as time has.
Sure, upward momentum takes more energy than just letting things gain downward momentum . . . just like gravity.
Life can exert a downward pull, but as long as you keep the momentum moving in a positive direction, you will find that your marriage will stay healthy and your relationship naturally maintains that direction.
In fact, the hardest part of working on a relationship is reversing the momentum, and getting it going in the right direction.
Once the momentum is shifted, your marriage will improve and life will be much, much easier.
A change in momentum begins with a shift in the relationship. And that relationship shift can happen with only one person making a shift in perception.
A marriage can improve and begin to shift, even if the other person is unwilling or unable to invest in the improvement or the shift
When one begins to relate differently, the other has to begin to relate differently. It is just part of human nature.
We cannot help but change how we respond when someone shifts how he or she is responding to us.
Think back to a time when you were caught in an angry relationship, yet one of you decided to apologize.
Suddenly, the relationship shifts. You may have found yourself connected in ways that seemed just the opposite of the moment before the apology. When one shifts, the other has to shift.
That is the power of relationships. We are connected in ways that cause us to be affected by how another responds.
Today, is the day your marriage changes!
You Can Save Your Marriage (Even If Only You Want It) Read How!
Most therapists work from the assumption that, if only one person wanted to work on the relationship, it was impossible to fix. Marriage Crisis should not be approached that way...
Instead this approach works like an algebra equation. If one side of the equation is changed, the other side must change!
Incredibly, this approach achieved an 89.7% success rate. . . even if only one spouse starts the process! (Findings based on surveys. Individual results can vary.)
You will discover that this shift is mostly about making a conscious decision to do things differently. At times, I will ask you to take action, in spite of where you are in your emotions.
At other times, I will ask you to find a point of understanding about your spouse. And at times, you will discover the importance of choosing how and when you respond.
An Instant Shift
Let me give you an example of a shift that was instantaneous and long lasting.
One of my friend came to me in part because of her marriage. She struggled with the relationship, and though he was not a part of our counselling in the beginning, her husband played a central role.
“Nisha” wanted more from her husband than “Vijay” was willing to give. Nisha was upset that Vijay had more free time, but didn’t understand her need for “down time.
She wanted more romance, more sexual intimacy, more attention, more care. Not exactly a new or different list of wants and desires from many other couples.
Nisha and I struggled together to help her gain a clear understanding of what she wanted and needed from the relationship.
We focused on changes she could make that might improve the relationship. Finally, Nisha invited Vijay into our sessions.
To her surprise, he accepted. They struggled with how they might adjust their individual needs and desires into a workable relationship.
However, in spite of changes made on the part of Vijay, Nisha continued to be dissatisfied.
The momentum continued to carry their relationship downward. Nisha’s dissatisfaction worked in a negative direction for Vijay.
The less satisfied Nisha was with their relationship, the less willing Vijay was to work on changing it.
The shift came in a frightening way. Vijay discovered a lump on his throat. He went to the doctor, and quickly found himself caught in the web of the medical world.
The lump turned out to be cancerous. Given the location, the doctors were concerned about Vijay’s survival.
When I saw Nisha the next time, a radical shift had taken place. She realized how insignificant the little issues were in the face of death.
The issues that created so much discord in their relationship disappeared. What was left was love.
Nisha said, “Those other things don’t mean anything when I think about not having Vijay around.”
The momentum of their relationship shifted and propelled them in a positive direction and it helped to improve their marriage situation.
The change happened on the heels of a scary shift. It could have happened at any time.
Either could have realized how precious their relationship and their health are.
Both could have realized that life was far too significant to lose time on the insignificant. It just took a “wake-up call” to shake them out of the trance.
My hope is that you will not wait for that “wake-up call.” Sometimes it comes too late, and sometimes it doesn’t even come.
And always, people lose out on valuable time that could be spent in a loving, harmonious, supportive relationship.
Save Your Marriage: Your Marriage Is Salvageable (Even If It Seems Hopeless)
How it works: There are 4 stages of relationship problems from less to more severe.
Find out where you are and fix it!
Get this free 4 step guide to Save Your Marriage.
Now it’s time for you to consider: how to improve your marriage situation?
Does the momentum in your marriage need to be changed? Most importantly, what changes are you willing to make to create the shift and improve your marriage? Remember, some are only perceptions.
One perception I would urge you to shift is the perception that there is always later to focus on the relationship.
I hear too often from parents that have put their relationship “on the back-burner,” waiting for more time, resources, energy, etc., to put into the relationship.
The Law of Momentum is at work. Those relationships will begin to gain more and more momentum in the downward spiral.
By the time the couple might choose to put that relationship on the “front-burner,” the momentum is many times more difficult to shift. Notice, I said “more difficult,” but not impossible.
Make it your desire to keep an eye on the momentum and the improvement of the marital relationship, lest you find the relationship moving faster in a negative direction than you had expected.
By the way, the Law of Momentum says that shifts in momentum can happen in small stages. You don’t have to turn around a relationship in one instant.
You may choose, instead, to slowly nudge the relationship in a deliberate and concerted effort to create a reversal.
A 180° turn can happen in one quick turn, or one large circle. Either way, it is important to work on making that shift.
Now it’s you turn to think how you can improve your marriage?
So, Ask yourself?
!Where are you?
!Where is the momentum in the relationship?
! Which direction is the momentum headed?
! Did any shifts in understanding happen as you were reading the material above? What came to mind?
! Did you have any ideas, while you were reading, on how to shift your perception of your spouse?
! What keeps you from making a shift in perspective? (Some people feel the need to keep thinking the way they have about a spouse, falsely believing this kept them from being hurt.)
I want you to think about the above few points if you seriously wish to improve your marriage situation.
I will stop here. I hope you enjoyed this article on how to improve your marriage.
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