3 Hallmarks To a Happy Marriage (Every Couple Should Know)

After years of watching couples, both successful and unsuccessful, I have noted 3 secrets to a happy marriage.

In fact three strategies that seem to be hallmarks of successful marriages. Sure, there are other contributing factors, and not all successful and healthy marriages maintain all three secrets.

Most have at least two, and many have all three. Follow them, and success moves closer.

These three strategies are, key to a happy marriage and more than anything, it leads to shifts in perspective that lead to shifts in behavior and that shifted positive behavior improves your marriage situation.

At a deeper level, focusing on these three areas leads to greater shifts elsewhere.

Mind you, these secrets are not easy to institute. They are worth the effort. And by the way, if only one of you wishes to take these actions, the other will be affected.

So, if you’re READY. I urge you to read this post till the end to have a happy and long-lasting marriage.

Secret #1: Give Up On Arguing

I know, you may be thinking “no arguing, no communicating.” I know this because I have heard it from countless couples and found this issue in many blogs and magazines.

Also, I believe in most marriages argument happens due to lack of purpose in marriage. The direction is lacking which also means that the couples are not aware of their roles and responsibilities.

Unfortunately, many couples find themselves stuck in the habit of arguing, and usually with little success. Arguing is not communicating.

Arguing, boiled down to basics, is two people with two different points of view trying to convince the other of being right. It is a “tug-of-war” with no winners.

Arguing is successful in only one arena: Court. There, you have a judge to decide whose point of view is the most accurate. Outside of that (and kids don’t count as judges) arguing is a losing proposition.

The secret of a happy marriage is giving up on argument. Find something else. What else? Ask this question: “Help me understand how you see it that way?” This is a powerful question.

The question moves us away from winning and toward understanding. The question establishes that you don’t see it the same. It establishes the existence of a variety of worldviews.

While it may seem obvious, couples seem to forget that everyone has a different way of seeing the world—a different paradigm, to use a buzzword.

A paradigm is neither right nor wrong, it merely is. It acts like a filter, preventing us from seeing some things and causing us to focus on others.

So the task is to understand the other’s worldview. How does he or she see it that way? Make that a research project: How does my partner see the world?

And remember this very crucial distinction: You can understand how someone sees something without agreeing with it. Understanding is not the same as agreement.

Don’t believe me? Consider this. It is possible to write a research paper (think back to high school) about Adolf Hitler.

In that paper, you may consider all the elements that went into who he became. You would probably note the familial issues and the cultural issues of Germany at that time.

You may even entertain the possibility that Hitler became caught up in something more than he could control.

You could note all of this and understand who Hitler was without agreeing with what he did. If one can do that with Hitler, surely one can do that with a spouse.

Secret #2: Focus on the Complementarity 

Remember Geometry in school? While it is fairly hazy in my mind, one concept stands out: Complementary Angles. Imagine a straight line (180°).

Drawing another line, creating an angle, leaves another complementary angle, which completes the 180°.

In essence, these angles complete each other. That is at the heart of marital relationships. We complete each other; we make each other whole.

At least we have the potential to do this. We also have the potential of destroying each other.

It is interesting (and distressing) to watch the destruction when couples forget how they complete each other.

Since I meet many couples in my day today life. I know that they are aware of how they are complementary before they marry.

They may not have thought about it, but they can describe how they make each other whole. In other words, they can talk about how one’s weakness is the other’s strength, and vice versa.

Fast-forward some years, and the couple in trouble is in my office. The only thing they can tell me is how different (in fact, opposite) they are. They have lost the complementary nature of their relationship.

For example, a pre-marital couple may tell me how he is very focused and organized, while she is spontaneous and fun loving.

What a picture of balance, since they can name this in the other person and see how it improves him or her.

Let’s pretend they return in 5 to 6 years. Life has taken a lot out of them, and their relationship is in trouble.

They usually come in with a list of complaints. So I hear “He is so anal. Every nit-picking detail has to come through him.

He is smothering me.” Then I hear “She is so irresponsible. She is always late, always changing the plans, and never follows through.”

I know this couple has lost their sense of complementarity.

If I then ask a simple question, “What attracted you to each other in the first place?” they always get a moist, far-off look in their eyes and tell me about the focus and organization or the fun and spontaneity.

As you may have guessed, when you lose sight of the complementarity, you begin to move further and further apart.

When couples are aware of their complementarity, they tend to move toward each other over time.

They find that their life is about balance, and the spouse helps create that balance.