Manish: Hello Ladies. Welcome to this transcript on how the male mind works and what makes dirty talking so special when it comes making a man monogamous and improving your sex life.
In this transcript with Felicity Keith the founder of "Language of Desire" program we uncover the truth and hidden meaning behind every male action when it comes to dating, love, sex, and relationship.
Relationships, not relationship. What am I talking about? OK, I have somebody interesting on the phone.
And in this special interview I wanted to talk to a woman because today we’re going to be talking about how to talk dirty to a man. We’re going to learn all about the language of desire from the amazing Felicity Keith.
Felicity Keith : Awesome. I’m so glad to be here.
I’m glad to have you. I have to preface this call by saying that we dating experts have an inner circle where we all tell each other about what we’re doing, what’s going on.
We share new things that we learn.
So when, I know you work with closely with Michael Fiore, when Michael Fiore told me about the product that you were creating, and that it was coming out shortly,
I asked for a preview copy because to be honest, talking dirty has never been something that’s been comfortable for any woman so I really wanted to study it.
So he sent me over a copy and I pretended that I was just trying to do research for the people who were on my newsletter list, but I really wanted it for my wife (to be honest) and we both actually consumed it within the first day that I received it and
We read every module and we listened to everything, and my wife actually really learned a ton of stuff that she actually now apply to me all the secret techniques she learned.
In fact, every Monday on her calendar she has a reminder to send a dirty text to me.
On Friday, she sent me a picture of a woman giving a blow job and she said, how about trying this later? I loved it and I wrote back, yowza!
That’s her level of comfort when it comes to talking dirty.
I know that you talk about a lot more than that in your program and that’s something I didn’t do before, but now I own it. I like it. My husband loves it. It turns him on.
And I have you to thank for that.
Manish : I wanted you to talk to the women who are listening today about how to talk dirty, the basics of talking dirty and I also wanted you to touch a little bit on penis worship which you talk about a lot in your program.
But I’ll let you have the floor; I want you to talk about the stuff that you’re so good at.
Felicity Keith: Oh thank you, I’m thrilled to hear that you love the program and that you’re using it, and that it’s making a difference in your relationship, because really, when I set out to do this, I first was doing this in my own personal relationship and I went into research mode.
I’ve always been pretty adventurous sexually and always had a pretty good sex drive.
And I thought I understood men and when I hit a really big roadblock in my relationship, where it was, is this the end or can I figure this out, what I decided to do was approach this as if I know nothing.
Then I set aside all of the things I think I know because I think that’s where we get tripped up.
A lot of times, as women, we are conditioned more about just being in tune with our relationships, and with body language and paying attention to all the nuances and undercurrents that are happening beyond just what is being spoken and what’s being done. So we make a lot of assumptions.
So I decided, you know what, I’m going to approach this like I know nothing and I really want to figure out what makes him tick from a sexual standpoint. What is his sex drive like?
How is it similar to mine?
How is it different? What are the things that really going to…of course I wanted to blow his mind and make him feel amazing, but the basis of that is really the strength in our emotional connection.
And how we go about that is, at the end of the day, men want an emotional connection and women want it too.
It’s just that how we get there is slightly different.
Dirty talk for a man triggers him in a way that has a lot to do with brain chemistry and sex drive, and it’s just a straight shot from point A to point B to capture his attention, to trigger a lot of neurochemicals that may him feel really good, and that make him feel satisfied.
Sometimes this can be done without even doing sex acts. I talk a lot in The Language Of Desire about how you can discover what his fantasies are.
OK so he wants to do a threesome and that might be beyond your comfort zone. That might be something that you’re simply not interested in and what a lot of us do is go, oh well, he wants this, I want that, that means we can’t do it.
Or if we do it, then I have to compromise myself. So, you don’t have to (laughter).
There are a lot of ways, using dirty talk, and giving into his sexual imagination is how you can make those fantasies come to life and that’s how you can have a really rich and creative sex life, even if you’re not actually doing the particular act involved.
So let’s say you have a situation where you have a man, your husband or boyfriend, who has a particular fantasy that is not within your realm.
So what you share, your example of sharing a picture, that’s a perfect way to let him know, hey, I’m on the same wavelength as you and you‘re getting fulfilled in this manner, even if it’s not exactly what I’m doing.
In the program I talk about incorporating props, incorporating texting some images, creating stories and your sexy pictures but with caution.
I teach you how to write your own movie scripts, for example, which is a way you can explore a fantasy without actually necessarily doing it.
Manish : Can I ask a question? I love that, that’s what one of my female subscriber actually did. She sent a visual picture. Just to know her guys sexual fantasies and find out if her picture turned him on.
So how do you approach that conversation? How do you find out what his fantasies are?
Felicity Keith: Sure. That can be a tricky thing because, as women, we were raised to not really embrace our sexuality.
So it sounds all great, do this, do that, but I didn’t even know how to bring it up without being tongue tied or feeling embarrassed or feeling unsure about myself.
So I will say, plugging the program, a lot of the beginning modules are working into building your confidence, getting comfortable, exploring your own sexuality.
You start from that standpoint and then address it with him. One of the simple ways you do that is using text messages and not sending your pictures so early unless you are intimate couple or you trust him.
It’s easier to be brave behind a keyboard, especially if that’s not something you feel comfortable having that face-to-face conversation about, or something you don’t want to talk about or something out of your comfort zone; you can broach the subject via text.
One of the things that I tell women to do, it’s really easy, some people tell me it’s a fluke but if it works, it works.
You just say I had this really crazy dream last night, let me tell you about it, and you can start saying what it was that you dreamt about.
Why that makes you feel more comfortable is that you’re removed from the situation; I’d dreamed it but it wasn’t really me. I’m not totally responsible for this. You can gauge his reaction.
For example, I had this crazy dream. We were in this restaurant and all of a sudden you were taking my clothes off and everybody was around us.
That’s obviously something that not a lot of people would be totally comfortable doing, but it sounds sexy and it could be a turn on.
You share it in the context of the dream and then ask questions like, does that turn you on?
What do you think about that?
Then ask, have you had a sexy dream about me or do you have a fantasy you want to share?
That’s one way to get that conversation going where he is going to open up.
Manish: So what if he doesn’t?
I am saying this because one of my female subscriber once broached the subject of fantasies with her guy, and she's a very comfortable person, she put things out there, especially when men have a belief system about women that sometimes they are being tested or that women don’t really want to hear that you have fantasies.
I remember the first time my wife brought up the subject of fantasies with me and I said, oh, I don’t really have any of those.
And she said what, what’s wrong with you?
How come you don’t have any fantasies?
And I found out, this was really on early in our relationship, that with my past girlfriend, having fantasies and discussing them openly got me in a lot of trouble and caused a lot of friction in the relationship, even though I was just openly talking about fantasies.
So from that experience,I learned, don’t say anything about fantasies. You do not have a penis outside of this relationship
Felicity Keith: Exactly. (Laughter) Danger zone. Danger.
Manish: Exactly. So how do you help men realize that they’re not being tested or that it is OK. I think that opening it up with the sexy text shows that you are more open to it.
But what if the guy writes back and says, oh that turns me on, but I don’t have any fantasies? What could a woman do?
I guess just be OK with it and the fact that, from that situation, you got a nice response back and then maybe attempted another week later, just to show him that that behavior didn’t get him into trouble
Felicity Keith: Exactly. I think that’s great. So there are three things that come to mind. First of all is, if he comes back with oh I don’t really have any, it could be exactly like you said, he got in trouble before.
Maybe he said oh I have this fantasy of you as a teacher and his girlfriend said what, you have a crush on your teacher or your cheating on me with your teacher? Women can take things really personally.
So the first thing is these fantasies generally have nothing to do with you, just as your fantasies might not have anything to do with him.
If you are conjuring up Brad Pitt in your mind, that doesn’t mean you aren’t in love with your husband or that you want to cheat on your husband. It’s just our brains are wild and creative and it’s nothing to get too attached to.
So, for women, I would say if he comes back and he isn’t sharing with you, I definitely agree with the advice of try it again in a week and see.
It might be a slow process unfolding where he’s feeling safe, where that trust has been built so he can share these deeply personal things and know that he’s not going to get judged.
Because people have fantasies that sometimes don’t even make sense and sometimes can go against the values of their morals. It can be really confusing.
Some of the most common fantasies are things that you could actually get legally busted for if you actually went and did them.
So I think that’s the first step, understanding that fantasies aren’t necessarily meant to be taken literally.
They aren’t something that should be taken personally. If someone shares a fantasy about role-playing, there’s ways you can creatively bring that about and fulfill it in a way that isn’t compromising you or bring an additional person into the relationship.
But the flip side to that is that you ask him and he doesn’t quite share and maybe that’s just how he is.
He might be really conservative. He might not even be in touch with his fantasies.
With some people it’s just a flash of images and they aren’t really coherent or they don’t even make sense and he might not be able to verbalize that.
So what I teach is, using our detective skills and our ability to read body language and really pay attention to detail is something that women are generally pretty good at. So you put on your detective hat.
I have a module with a lesson in the program where you are reading between the lines, so you’re looking at is there a particular outfit that he likes? Is there a position or time of day or any number of details?
There are all these different questions that you answer and you can start to develop a pattern or a picture of what his fantasies might be.
Then there are ways that you go about bring them to life for him and again, it can be as simple as some text messages or sending pictures or writing a creative story. I teach you how to do all of that.
It sounds really complex, but it’s actually pretty easy when you do it step by step. But that’s the first thing, really paying attention to things that seem to be of interest to him and really turn him on.
Manish: I would love to hear more samples of great texts to send.
Felicity Keith: Sure. Let me pull out my handy dandy list here. One of the things is being really specific.
A lot of times when people think of talking dirty, that means OK, I have to be really graphic. I have to go outside of my comfort zone. But I tell people you don’t have to.
What I like to do is encourage you to have a baseline, this is how I normally talk, and then tell the line slightly differently.
Maybe one time you say something just really flat out raunchy and explicit and it’s fun to do that in a scenario where you can’t act on it, like a school fundraiser or something that’s totally not sexual.
Then you could send them something likes, I can’t stop thinking about the last time we had sex and you can be really graphic and specific about his penis, about what he did, about what you did to him or any number of things that come to mind.
And then you just end it.
You just throw this at him like a lust bomb and he’s like, whoa, what just happened, and you’re sitting there all prim and proper in your blazer from work because you went straight to the meeting after work.
He thinks who’s this woman? And that’s so hot because it’s so unexpected. The other thing you can do is the slow buildup.
Say it’s Friday night, it’s date night and you’re going to get a babysitter; you guys are going to go out and do something.
Starting maybe at ten in the morning, you start to send a series of texts and they don’t have to start out right from that graphic place.
It could be, when we get together later tonight, this is what I’m going to do to you.
Then you wait for him to respond and get his curiosity and then you can just go line by line, what it is that you want to do when you see each other.
So, do you want something more specific?
Manish: I like it. No, those are really good. I think I would get too shy if you started seeing specifics. No just kidding. Those are really very good.
I know we only have you for a short while, so I really wanted you, although those are amazing examples, I want you to talk about penis worship a little bit and how important a man’s penis is to him.
I guess I thought I knew this but I didn’t realize the extent of it until I read your program.
Felicity Keith: Yeah. It’s a little shocking to realize that just a body part could mean so much to a person, because the best similarity we have is maybe to our breasts because it’s something that’s extended outside of our body.
People get breast augmentations, they get breast reductions, we wear push-up bras. We maybe have some anxiety about the size of our breasts, how they look so it’s the closest thing I can tell women to get an idea.
It’s how they view themselves as how we look at our breasts times a thousand, because really they see it as literally an extension of their masculinity and their self-worth and their identity as a man.
When you have this thing that has a brain of its own... most guys, if you can talk about that when they’re hitting puberty, it’s like, oh my gosh I have this thing that thinks all on its own and I can’t control it, and it’s very scary.
There can be shame and embarrassment and confusion wrapped around it. Eventually they figure out how things can work, the mechanics of their body.
That’s why if you have a partner who has any type of erectile dysfunction, a lot of times, women will think that it’s a reflection on them, that it means that he is not attracted to them, because in our minds, when a man is attracted to a woman his penis gets hard and that’s just how it is.
But the reality is that isn’t necessarily true, particularly as a man starts to age, as things like diet, work stress, medical stuff; all these things can influence how his body works.
So that’s a really perfect time to have a lot of compassion. Here is this part of my body that I identify as my manliness, this is me, and when it doesn’t work, how awful that can feel.
For us, even if our body isn’t totally cooperating we can generally have sex, even if we’re not totally in the mood or totally turned on.
It’s just the biology of how our anatomy is. We don’t have that same... our body has to function in a certain way for us to have sex.
I’m not recommending that you should be having sex when you’re not into it, it’s just slightly different.
When you start to think of it from his standpoint, OK, here’s this literal extension of his body that indicates, at least in his mind and in his partner’s mind, his level of attraction and desire, you understand why there’s so much importance placed on it.
A man has a lot of stress about size and all these things that we don’t generally have to think about.
When it comes to showing him how much he means to you and how turned on you are by him.
And how manly you find him, the easiest and the most powerful way to show that is by worshipping his penis in a sense, and being really open about the fact that you love his body, and using language that again, not everyone is comfortable with.
Even saying penis or cock is like, oh my God, I can’t imagine saying that out loud.
That’s where using our phone and texting it becomes...gee... again, you can be a lot braver behind a keyboard.
Manish: Exactly, and doing it numerous times over makes it a lot easier to say in person.
I would love to share a feedback of one my subscriber her name is Janet from (Las vegas)
Here is what she has to say about the program - "I think for me, when I started doing your program, it was like a slow progression for me.
I would think my husband would think in his mind, what the hell?
This is like a complete 180. It’s strange. It seems weird. I don’t know what was going through my mind, but it felt uncomfortable for me.
So texting first has really made me more comfortable with saying it out loud because it doesn’t seem so inconsistent for me.
Felicity Keith: Yeah. I think that’s super important that if you start there, then the more you get comfortable with typing the words and seeing them when you look back at the text conversation, I said that!
You do gain more comfort and it does become easier to act on it by initiating sex, by proactively having oral sex with him because you’re so turned on by him.
A lot of times in our relationships things follow a predictable pattern and for a lot of us, especially when you get into a relationship, it becomes the default that it’s up to him to initiate sex.
I know for me personally, as I progressed from newly dating to girlfriend to wife and mother, I was so exhausted. (23:36) All day, I was being asked by either these little beings that I created and brought into the world, but when I was nursing or when I was...
Now as you’ve gotten little older, all the responsibility is...it’s easy to forget that it becomes difficult; because I’m not constantly thinking about sex, I’m not going to be the one to initiate it.
So starting by texting is an easier thing to do, number one if you’re not comfortable using that language, but also if you’re not in the mood but you want to make sure he’s satisfied.
You can text and that’s a way to create some heat in your sex life without actually doing anything, just describing how you would give him a blow job if giving blow jobs isn’t your favorite thing in the world.
That can be a really fulfilling thing for him and what ends up happening, is, as we’re using that language, and as we’re having that dialogue back and forth, that feels kind of risqué or naughty, and it feels exciting.
It ends up amping up our desire levels and it increases our sex drive too, so there’s a payoff.
I’ve heard a few women say, this program is all about his needs and making him happy.
What about us?
Well, yeah, you’re right. It’s about you learning how a man’s brain ticks, his big brain and his little brain.
It’s taking action but the side effect is you end up feeling really empowered and sexy and in control and confident because your man is so turned on by you.
Now all of a sudden you’re like a vixen that he can’t get enough of, and your sex drive starts to go through the roof, too.
I think the thing that most women find, and it is certainly my experience with the feedback I get from a lot of the women who go through the program, is when he feeling catered to and cared for and appreciated, it triggers him to want to take care of you.
How am I going to please you? How am I going to do this for you? They’re actually hard wired to sexually satisfy a woman.
Manish: Yes, but that’s how it works in any relationship if it’s reciprocal.
It’s funny because I took this course called Packs a very long time ago. I think it was actually called Understanding Men, but I almost walked out in the beginning because they had said that their belief system is that you have to give to a man first before he’ll give to you.
I was asking, why? Why do a woman have to do that?
But I stuck around and listened to what they had to say, and I’m glad that I did, because it’s exactly what you just said.
You can sit in the corner like a bitter little three-year-old, expecting everybody to do things for you, but they’re not going to want to because it’s not fun to do things for somebody who’s moping around.
Felicity Keith: Exactly
Manish: But when somebody gives, it’s easy to give back to them, especially when you’re in a loving partnership, that’s pretty awesome.
You get back to those first few months of dating if you continuously do that for one another.
Felicity Keith: Totally
Manish: I love that you said that. I do have one final question and hopefully you can answer it.
I was doing an interview with somebody recently and they had said, no man will ever turn down a blow job.
Or no man will ever turn down sex. Do you think that’s true? I have my opinion, but do you think that’s true?
Felicity Keith: No, I don’t. The majority of the time he probably wouldn’t turn it down but to perpetuate the stereotype that men are just sex crazed, lusty animals that have sex on their brains 24/7 is doing a disservice to men.
They actually are more complex and emotionally complex, and physically complex, than a lot of times women give them credit for.
So, no, I don’t agree with that and I think men can suffer from performance anxiety, they can have low libido.
Stress can wreak havoc on anybody. I don’t care if you’ve got a penis or vagina, if you’re stressed out, sex goes out the window.
Manish: Weight gain, exhaustion, all of these things weigh into it.
Felicity Keith: Yeah, well it’s fascinating that so much attention is paid, for women, to how we’re portrayed in the media, being objectified and beauty standards, and all these things that we have to deal with as women.
I think it pays to at least recognize that that can be true for men, too.
There are men who feel inadequate in how they look; they feel inadequate with their career, how much money they make or how their body functions, that they’re dealing with erectile issues.
There’s a lot more to it than black and white, men always want to have sex and women are always pushing them away.
These are ideas that we’ve somehow developed of this is how the world is. It’s not true, there’s a lot more grey area.
Manish: Yeah, exactly. I agree. I know you have to go, but thank you so much for taking the time to do this with me.
I think it’s really useful, helpful information for women. It’s not dirty and crass and horrible.
I think it’s something that, on some level, every woman, or most women wish that they knew how to do.
You gave great examples of text messages you can send, for how to create stories and visuals for your partner or the guy that you’re dating.
I think you gave really great advice and thank you so much for being on the column.
I’m going to provide a link to your program, Language of Desire, because I think it is absolutely wonderful.
Felicity Keith: Thank you so much for having me, I really appreciate it.
Manish: Thank you for taking out your precious time for reading this interview transcript.
I believe we have shared a lot and lot of useful information about men and sex in this transcript.
But if you truly appreciate what you just read and Want more from Felicity Keith? I request you to follow the pink button link below and watch her FREE video to learn more about the "Language of Desire" Program.