So, you’ve got your man, the one you can’t wait to spend the rest of your life with. You feel safe, secure, and happy. He’s your best friend, your strongest ally and supporter, and he feels the same way. But you also need to avoid these 6 deadly mistakes which can ruin your relationship.
I could list lots of things women can do wrong in a relationship that will ultimately tear it down, when really they just want him to understand them.
I’m only going to focus on seven centrally important ones that can potentially ruin your relationship. It’s safe to say if you can grasp these; the rest will take care of itself.
Big Relationship Mistake #1 - Loving Conditionally.
This can start long before you’re in a relationship. All of us, men and women alike, have a ‘list’ of what we’re looking for in a potential partner/spouse.
Perhaps it has to do with character, the way he treats you, the money he has and makes, if he wants children and so on. Perhaps you were initially fascinated by him for his looks and charm.
You May Think “I really like him".
He’s so handsome and attentive; he’s wonderful with his coworkers and makes lots of money.”
In fact, you may choose to ignore certain important ‘red flags’ that signal significant character flaws.
You think to yourself, “As long he can afford to support me and take care of me; as long as he doesn’t flirt with other women; as long as we don’t fight; as long as he goes along with whatever I say - then we’re perfect. I can live with that.”
At the same time, you withhold something from him.
Maybe you don’t tell him the whole truth of what you want, thinking he won’t stay with you, or worse, if he finds out what you’re really like; that you really don’t like his mother, or his friends, or the way he leaves dirty dishes out instead of cleaning up after himself, he won’t want you.
You’re too busy looking at what he can do for you to notice or care much about him.
You may not even be aware you’re doing this. It just seems natural; a form of self-preservation.
It’s not a healthy one, since it doesn’t allow for a true love, one that gives all in order to receive all.
Relationship Issues Arise When You Plan To Live Together & Not While You're Dating.
While you’re dating that may not be much of an issue, but once you’re living together or spending most of your time together, it can become a real problem.
All of a sudden you can’t stand his going out with the guys to play poker, go hunting, etc., or that he’s totally obsessed with football (or some other sport) to the point he goes to the games and makes a fool of himself, painting himself up weird and yelling out all kinds of things that embarrass and humiliate you.
You’ve never liked that special chicken dinner his mother makes for him that he loves so much, so you start making excuses not to have his folks over, or maybe not to go over to their place, even though he loves for you to go and be a part of things with him.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s ok for everyone to have different interests and it’s ok if you’re not involved with everything he does.
However, when it gets to the point that if he does these things, you withhold your support and affection from him, or even worse, maybe threaten to leave him, then it becomes something altogether different.
When you do those things, it’s called loving conditionally. You can’t love him if … (fill in the blank).
The fact is, if you can’t love the whole man ‘for better or worse,’ then maybe you should find someone you can do that with – or better yet, you may need to do some real soul-searching that would help you be able to accept someone for who they are; not what you expect them to be.
Once a man senses that you only want him for what he does, and not for whom he is, there’s a good chance he won’t be around for much longer.
Would you want him if he did? And if so, think about what that says about him – i.e. he’s not much of a man, and what that says about you – so insecure you have to control everything, and can’t trust.
There are a lot of things a woman does when it comes down to this sort of limited love, but before we go there, there’s go to the next relationship mistake, that fits in with this one.
Big Relationship Mistake #2 - Expecting him to change for you.
This can come from loving conditionally, but it’s also something that can stand alone as a mistake a woman can make.
If you love your man only because he does things you want or expect of him, then obviously you might want to try and get him to change things that bother you so badly, you can’t stand to be around him.
You can honestly love your man for who he is, warts and all, only to find you’d like to change certain mannerisms or habits.
See above about painting himself wildly at football games, for example.
Now, he may really feel good about himself when he does that, but you just can’t stand it and can’t stand being around him when he does.
Stop nagging and criticizing your man or it will ruin your relationship.
You may start off saying something like, “You know, honey? I really wish you wouldn’t make yourself up like that and act like you do when you go to games, especially when I’m with you.”
In other words, you’re making it something he can change to make you happy.
But maybe he doesn’t want to change that ritual, and his response might be something like,
“I’m sorry to hear that, honey. You didn’t seem to mind that when we were dating, and it’s something I really enjoy and want to keep doing.
If you’re all that uncomfortable with it, maybe you should just stay at home. I won’t mind.”
And he goes on his merry way to enjoy the game and the game time activities with his friends.
Now you’re feeling left out, so you start saying other, more stronger things to try to get him to stop, maybe even things like withholding sex or ignoring him.
We all know how women can be all too famous for the ‘silent treatment.’
Your man finds himself between a rock and a hard spot where he can’t enjoy himself doing what he loves to do because how you deal with it makes him miserable at home.
Maybe he starts spending more time away from you, whether it’s staying later to work, going out more with his buddies, stopping for drinks on the way home.
Eventually, he may decide to leave altogether. Is that what you want? How would you like it if, after you were committed to him, he wanted you to change who you are.
It could be anything from dumping your best friend who he can’t stand, to totally altering your appearance.
If he did something like that, wouldn’t you begin to wonder if he truly loved you, after all?
So, be careful girls. Stop and think. If you really do love him, then that means accepting him for how he is; not setting limits to your love based on his performance at any given moment; and not trying to change him.
At least not in the ways listed above. It’s not that men won’t change.
If they really love you and find out, in a positive, safe way that something is really really bothering you, they will often do all they can to make it easier on you, and maybe even change some minor irritating habits.
For example, he may spend some special alone time with you in exchange to feeling you ‘understand’ his need to act out with the guys sometimes.
It’s a wonder what a loving, supportive woman can do for a man.
Big Relationship Mistake #3 - Expecting him to make you
Here’s where we come to part of the problem concerning the above relationship mistakes. Some women center their whole sense of well being and identity in being in a relationship.
Some men do this, too, unfortunately. Both do so to their detriment.
We’re talking about women here, though. When a woman does this, they expect their man to be so focused on them, that he will do anything to make them happy.
When they’re inevitably disappointed, for no man/person can make another completely happy, whether it’s smoking (they knew he smoked when they met him), or spending time with his parents, friends or siblings, then they’re miserable.
They invested the whole of their life on him, nothing less.
Remember men can’t meet all your needs in relationship.
The fact is that he can’t meet all your needs, any more than you can meet his.
Yes, you’re important to him, and of course, he’s important to you. But neither of you can be the ‘end all and be all’ to the other.
If you could, your life would be extremely limited, and, over time, you’d both grow to bore each other to death. All the different aspects each one brings to a relationship are what often keep it alive.
When you were dating your man, it wasn’t just the things you had in common that attracted you, but some of the differences as well.
Learning about and sharing those differences expanded each of you individually, as well as brought you closer to each other (as long as it wasn’t something that you just totally found unbearable.
“say like, he was always texting someone on his cell phone while you were eating out somewhere, instead of paying attention to you"
I don’t know about you girls, but that’s certainly a deal breaker for me!) Do you really think that once you’re in a committed relationship that you don’t need to continue your own interests apart from him?
Whether or not you share every activity and minute together – and I certainly hope you don’t! – you should at the very least be able to bring something different to your conversations and times together, whether it’s something you read in the news that he didn’t, or an opinion you can share that may give him a different viewpoint on the matter (and vice-versa).
This is something both of you can do for the other. It makes the both of you stronger. This is something that will help buffer those little disappointments with him, too.
After all, if you have something else in your life that you enjoy, then the little niggling things he does that you don’t like, won’t be all that important to you.
When he goes out with the boys, do something for yourself, maybe enjoy a luncheon with an old friend, go shopping at the mall, make an appointment to get a massage.
We all know how much guys hate shopping! This brings me to the next relationship mistake a woman can make.
Big Relationship Mistake #4 - Not taking care of yourself.
This can cover a whole bevy of things, from healthcare to mental and emotional self-care.
What often leads to this type of self-neglect more than anything else is – you guessed it – you’ve centered all your happiness in your guy, what he does or doesn’t do for and with you, how much he’s with you and so on. The list could be endless.
If you’re busy nagging, criticizing, belittling and neglecting your partner’s needs, how can you possibly take care of your own? You can’t. You make yourself miserable.
This can lead to depression, and from there the cycle can just keep whirling tighter and tighter, until it just has to ruin your relationship – and you may find yourself without your partner, and without much of anything left in you to function, at least for a while.
You need to remember these things from the start of your relationship.
There are some very important things you need to remember. You had a life before you met your man that didn’t include him. You had friends, activities, other relationships.
Just because you have a man now that adds such a wonderful new dimension to your life, doesn’t mean you should stop doing the things that make you who you are; the woman he loves.
Say that when he met you, you were sharply dressed and coiffed, but beyond that, you were an intelligent, engaging woman; one who listened to him and spoke with him in a way that he saw was caring and interesting.
Perhaps one of the things he admired about you was your friendships, the way you interacted with others, the way you were well-read and up to date on various topics.
He could see you took care of yourself, that you weren’t needy, that you were self-assured and comfortable with yourself.
What is he seeing now? Why should that change? Why would you allow yourself to be so self-absorbed with him that you might start ignoring the very things that make you the person he loves?
Taking care of yourself means you won’t do that. You’ll still take care of yourself, pamper yourself sometimes, spend time with friends and on your hobbies and interests.
That doesn’t mean you exclude him, by any means, but it also doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy things without him. You don’t even have to share with him every aspect of what you do.
In fact, if it didn’t bore him to tears, it would probably overwhelm him if you did. It’s always good to have some mystery, as long as it’s not anything damaging to you or your relationship.
By taking care of yourself, it will never fail that he’ll keep finding you the most important one in his life, and the one he enjoys the most when you’re together.
Big Relationship Mistake #5 – Not Knowing How To Communicate The Right Way.
Number one rule from the introduction relates here to communication; men and women are different.
Their needs are more alike than they may think, but how they feel about those needs, and how they express them, and how they are able to understand the other’s needs, are very different.
For one thing, a man can’t read a woman’s mind, any more than she can.
Aside from some rather craftily skilled performers who pretend to read the minds of other people, such things just ain’t so.
The best way to let anyone know what you’re thinking, how you feel, what you need, is to communicate.
The thing is to know how to communicate effectively and that’s where a woman’s abilities outstrip those of a man if she can just pay attention and learn the little things that help.
For a woman to communicate with a man, she has to understand a man.
This means understanding that men, in general, are simple folk. The less complicated something is, the easier they understand it.
That doesn’t mean you have to talk to him like you would a child, just keep it direct and simple. No hints; they’ll just frustrate him.
Tone of voice and body actions are as much a part of communicating effectively as what is said. Always base anything you say on total respect, even if you’re upset with something he’s done or said.
Remember you’re not his mother, and try to treat him at least as good as you would a coworker or friend.
Most of us wouldn’t be sharp or rude with anyone else, why be like that with the closest person in our life?
Surely you want the same consideration from him as well.
Here are some ground rules for communication that will help your relationship.
1. If you’re too upset, wait until you’re calm before talking to him about it, especially if the upset has to do with him.
2. Take a cue from him, too. For one reason or another, he may not be ready to talk about things. If that’s the case, and there are ways you can tell without him necessarily having to tell you directly, respectfully let him know you’d like to talk when he’s ready, no matter how long that might be. If you give him the time and space, chances are he’ll be ready to listen faster than if you try to push it.
3. No name calling. Not just by you, but by him as well. If he starts getting out of control, the best thing you can do is to calm down and possibly state,
“I can tell you’re very upset right now, and really want to talk. I think it best if we both take some time to calm down before talking about this. I love you very much, so I’m going to go to (name place) and think things over. When you’re ready to talk and can be calm, I’ll be waiting.”
4. Stick to the subject. Don’t bring things up from the past. That doesn’t help and will only hinder things. Unless it’s important (and believe me, it usually isn’t), leave the past out of the present situation.
5. No threats or ultimatums. In other words, nothing that even comes close to, “If you don’t… (or if you do…), I’m going to my mother’s!” No manipulation.
6. Childishness doesn’t belong in effective communication. Not that you can’t use humor when it’s appropriate, just as long as it’s not degrading in any way.
Effective communication means respect of the one you communicate with in a way that helps him understand you, and helps you understand him. It’s a win-win situation.
Big Relationship Mistake #6 - Not understanding what he needs from you.
How can you possibly help him to understand your needs, if you don’t understand his?
If nothing else, it will hinder the effectiveness of any communication. It’s a delicate dance, a give and take that you are much better equipped to learn and then guide him in.
As a woman, you want to feel needed, desired and loved.
As a man, he needs to be supported and encouraged by you. If you don’t know that, and don’t take that into consideration, it’s something that can undermine your relationship to the point of destruction.
A man can’t thrive or meet your needs if you’re always coming from an adversarial vantage point.
Understanding that, as well as a man’s need for feeling loved, a great part of which involves sex, will not only help shore up his manhood, but will also open the doors to your own fulfillment, maybe beyond your wildest dreams.
What man can’t but help be totally enthralled with such a woman? Surely, he would go to the ends of the world for her.
A big part of relationship success is that you need to understand your man’s need for sex.
A woman’s sexual responses are often centered on the wellbeing of her emotions and mental state; a man’s is directed from a visual standpoint.
This doesn’t mean they’re wild animals waiting to hook up with just anyone they can.
Like a woman, a man would much prefer sex to be with the love of his life, where he feels wanted, emotionally supported and desired.
It is central to a man’s wellbeing, from the standpoint that if the woman he loves most rejects him in that way, he sees it as rejecting all of him.
To use sex as a weapon to get what you want, or to not understand how important it is to him, is to treat your relationship and your man in a way that speaks volumes concerning how unimportant either of them is to you.
I’m sure you don’t want that at all. At the end, though, just remember one thing: your man needs your respect, support and love.
Give that to him, and he’ll do his best to give you the moon.
Before I stop this post. I just want to be clear that this isn’t a list of criticisms.
These are only tools to avoid making this 6 big relationship mistakes and understand your man so that you can continue the best of what you already are.
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