It’s all In your mind trust me making conversation mistakes with a girl or having good talking skills is all in your mind.
So many things can turn a girl off when you start a conversation with her.
In this guide we will learn in brief about the 5 conversation mistakes that turns a woman off instantly.
Here are just a few:
- Too eager or aggressive
- Matter-of-fact, unexciting vocal tone
- Nervousness or shyness
- Closed or defensive body language
- Boring things to say, or nothing at all
If you're thinking, “Yes, yes, yes! How do I fix those problems?”
I want you to hold tight. I'm going to go into each of those points in detail about the conversation mistakes you are making with your crush.
I want to talk about the root of all the problems described above: your attitude.
Stephen R. Covey once said:
“In the last analysis, what we are communicates far more eloquently than anything we say or do.”
Too many people blame their conversational skills or lack thereof for all of their social blunders.
What you said or didn't say makes a perfect scapegoat for a failed date.
It wasn't you that they didn't like; it was what you said (or didn't).
Unfortunately, that belief is usually 100% unfounded.
A member of the opposite sex who's attracted to you will forgive any number of conversational mistakes if they're attracted to you in other ways.
For example, if you project a positive attitude, self-assurance, and an alluring sexual identity (e.g. masculinity or femininity) through your body language and tonality, you could almost talk about anything and still win the interest of the opposite sex.
In How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships, Leil Lowndes tells a story about a man who was holding his audience in thrall at a party.
His charisma emanated from across the room.
Curiosity piqued, she made her way closer … and discovered that what he was saying was the worst sort of banal party blather
Leil's conclusion? Whatever you say, say it with enthusiasm and confidence.
If you're interested in your subject, others are likely to be interested in it as well.
Now, I hope you're excited to hear this. So what if you're not the wittiest or cleverest conversationalist out there. It doesn’t matter!
What matters is that you project the right attitude … so that you can eloquently communicate the incredibly sexy and desirable being you are.
So right now, before getting into the nitty-gritty of communicating, I want to do an attitude check with you.
I want to make sure that you're approaching the opposite sex with the right mindset, a mindset that will lead to more success with the opposite sex.
Let's start out with what you should NOT be thinking.
Here are the 5 Most Common Conversation Mistakes that people make when trying to communicate with (and attract) the opposite sex.
Conversation Mistake #1: Wanting People to Like You.
At the most basic, fundamental level in dating, most people (read: people who can't get a date) communicate two things:
“I like you.”
“Do you like me?”
I hope you can hear a big fat siren blaring right now. That was not the correct answer.
If you win over someone's heart by communicating, “I like you. Do you like me?” you're a rare duck indeed.
Valentines and candy hearts may have worked in grade school, but adult men and women are more difficult to please.
Trust me: by the time we're 20, we've heard, “I like you,” a zillion times. Hearing, “I like you,” does not endear us to a person.
It makes us feel bored and call for the next applicant.
Modern media has a lot to be responsible for, and one of those things is propagating an unrealistic view of romance.
The second mistake is wanting to know if someone likes you before proceeding – or, worse yet, trying to make them like you by being witty, clever, and so forth.
Get that question, “Do you like me?” out of your head, and never let it occur to you again if you can help it!
That single thought and conversation mistake is responsible for more rejection than any other.
And I'm going to tell you why.
Attraction is NOT like a light switch: either on or off.
So, to ask someone whether they “like” you or not is like wanting a yes-no answer to the question, “How fast is the universe expanding?” You just can’t do it.
Attraction is more like a continuum.
At one side of the scale is irresistible sexual, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual attraction.
At the other side of the scale is indifference.
In the middle you'll find states like friendship, “would sleep with but not date,” and so forth.
When you meet someone new, you “There’s nothing less start out at the “indifference” end of attractive than someone the scale.
They don't know anything who’s trying to “buy” about you. They may have never your interest .” even seen you before.
To develop deeper stages of attraction, you have to do the work that gets you noticed.
You have to exchange the preliminary winks and nods.
You have to start a conversation without making conversation mistakes.
At each stage, the other person is learning more about you, and you're revealing your mastery of what Tony Buzan calls “Social Intelligence.” In that process, attraction gets created.
So, to be quite frank, if you're waiting for someone to “like you” before getting up the nerve to talk to them, then you're pretty much guaranteed to wait forever.
Furthermore, if you try to make them like you (by, say, bringing them gifts or showering them with compliments) without attracting them first, then you're doomed to rejection.
There's nothing less attractive than someone who's trying to “buy” your interest.
Really, who even cares whether you “like” them or they “like” you?
Those are old fears left over from your school days. As an adult, you have the knowledge and experience to use a better formula.
What YOU care about communicating is this:
“Do you interest me?”
“Come on!”
I can guarantee you that if you switch what you're communicating from “I like you” to “Do you interest me?” and from “Do you like me?” to “Come on!” you will automatically experience a more amazing degree of success with the opposite sex than you ever imagined.
Here's why.
Studies have shown that the most effective attitude to display in an initial encounter with an attractive member of the opposite sex is indifference, even at the risk of appearing rude.
Then, you should gradually “warm up” to that person, so that they feel that they have “earned” your interest.
Highly attractive people are used to admiring suitors displaying a passionate interest in them.
But although all of us appreciate being admired for our good looks, we want to be admired most for the people we are inside.
Take a moment to imagine what a super-attractive person must experience.
The better looking you are, the fewer people will look past that attractive surface and really see your deepest, innermost self.
Instead, everyone you meet seems to compliment you on your looks or “like” you before they've even gotten to know you.
BUT … if a person comes along who doesn't seem that interested in you, suddenly your attention is sparked.
You think, “What does this person have that makes them think that they don't have to pay attention to me?
They're not even as attractive as I am.” Your interest is piqued. You want to get to know this stranger who's so indifferent to your wiles.
As you chat with this indifferent stranger, you find that certain things you say make them light up.
You feel rewarded for coming up with interesting tidbits of information.
Soon, you have them laughing and smiling at you like you're the most special person in the world.
And you're sure that, unlike most other people you meet, this person is behaving that way because they've finally gotten to know you.
You've earned their interest and attention.
This technique is also called qualification, and it's an incredibly powerful way to get the interest of highly sought-after members of the opposite sex.
By making someone qualify themselves to you – e.g., prove to you why you should bother talking with them – you make them feel more invested in the process of creating attraction.
Lastly, being the one who's always suggesting something fun to do (and telling everyone, “Come on!”) establishes your leadership qualities and sets you on the road to higher social value.
No one is more fun to know as the person who's always thinking up cool things to do.
Now that you've got the messages of “Do you interest me?” and “Come on!” in your conversational toolkit, let's take a look at another common conversational mistake: obsessing over what you say.
Conversation Mistake #2: Worrying About What to Say
I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard someone wish aloud that a particular conversation had gone differently. I'd be a millionaire.
Have you ever wished that? If only you could have anticipated what they were going to say, formulated the perfect come-back, or been able to rewind things back to the beginning, then you would have been able to make things turn out differently….
I've said this before, but I'll say it again.
What you said probably wasn't the issue. It was the 1001 other things going on. Your lack of confidence.
An unfortunate hesitation. A certain facial expression.
It's not what you say that matters the most. It's YOU. The whole package.
The tone, the pace, the gestures, the facial expressions, the energy conveyed.
To show you what I mean, go and turn on the television. Now press the “Mute” button on the remote. Watch for a few minutes.
Can you understand the people on-screen are feeling/thinking?
Most of us can easily guess what's happening in a \ conversation even if we can’t hear what’s being said.
I first found this out by watching movies in foreign languages.
Even though I couldn't comprehend of a word of what was being said, I found that I could actually enjoy the movie and "get" most of what was going on.
In a conversation, you actually communicate energy.
Ask any actor.
No matter how you may feel yourself, personally, you can communicate happiness, sadness, excitement, surprise, and so forth.
As human beings, we have an infinite capacity for communication using our whole bodies.
Most of the subtle ways we communicate are lost even on us.
For example, Richard Bandler and John Grinder, founders of the field of neuro-linguistic programming, believe people tend to organize the world through one of their major senses: kinesthetic, auditory, or visual.
Through simply observing subtle non-verbal cues such as eye movements, we can lock into another person's representation of reality.
We can actually read their thoughts, albeit in a limited way.
If you're worried about saying the right thing, guess what will get conveyed?
Not the sentiment of the words you chose, but rather your worry.
Think about it. Imagine that you're on a date.
Your date starts talking about a subject that you know nothing about – neuro-linguistic programming, for example – and you don't want to let on that you don't know what they're talking about.
Instead, you become evasive and make vague comments that you hope won't be taken as ignorance.
What matters more is whether you’ve just had fun together.
The fact that you're hiding something, and the fact that you feel nervous.
So all of your carefully-chosen vague words did you no good, because you communicated the exact opposite of what you wanted to communicate.
Any time you get lost in trying to think up the right thing to say, you end up committing a multitude of communication sins.
You stop making eye contact. Your face tends to tense up or frown.
You retreat inside your head.
The other person realizes that you've stopped listening.
You can't catch their subtle nonverbal cues, because you're too lost in your thoughts.
Look, you're still communicating even when you're not saying a word.
And, unfortunately, what you communicate in spite of yourself isn't always that attractive.
Have you ever had a hard time listening to someone because you’re too busy thinking of what you want to say next?
That's one of the biggest nonos in conversation, as well as one of the most common.
You don't talk to someone just to hear yourself speak; you talk to someone because you also want to hear what they have to say!
So let's address the real problem. You worry about what you're going to say next because:
You don’t trust yourself enough to convey exactly what you mean,
You don’t know have a clue what to say, or
You are afraid of awkward silences.
Trusting yourself in a conversation is something that comes with practice.
The more conversational successes you have, the more you'll realize that you can make small talk, raise a difficult subject, or say what another person needs to hear.
“A quiet moment or two won’t make you a bad conversationalist.” | Learning to really mean what you want to say will help you in this regard. Like an actor, you can place your intention on the words you're saying so that you convey the correct emotional energy |
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Conversation Mistake #3: Expecting People to Tell the Truth.
“What?!” you might be thinking. “Of course people always tell the truth! A nice person wouldn't lie, would they?”
The beauty of the English language is that there are infinite ways to convey meaning.
We can be direct or indirect. We can use a metaphor or simile. We can suggest or imply.
We can omit relevant information. We can fudge the facts or say that we were just “being polite.”
The fields of marketing and public relations wouldn't exist if it weren't for this “fuzzy” characteristic of language.
You can't be held responsible for what people thought you said – at least, politicians seem to think so.
So when it comes to attracting members of the opposite sex, realize that you're communicating for entertainment purposes .
When it comes to describing ourselves to others for romantic purposes, we're not always that good at it.
We know that we're supposed to “market ourselves” or show off our best side, but we tend to exaggerate the qualities that we think the opposite sex will like and downplay the qualities that we think they won't.
The result is that no one is ever completely who they appear to be at first.
You only get to know the “real” person through interacting with them over time.
Self-description isn't the only place where untruths happen. Most people don't lie deliberately, but when they do it's often for a good reason: to spare someone's feelings.
The man who says, “Can I buy you a drink?” prefers to hear the woman respond, “Oh, I'm so sorry, I was just leaving,” rather than, “Actually, I'd prefer to leave the bar than be approached again by slime like you.”
Being polite and putting your best foot forward both tend to involve some unwanted but necessary fudging of the facts, but there are other instances where deliberate lies are used to manipulate.
I remember one young man who believed it when a girl told him that her parents had forbidden her to date until she reached 18.
He continued to smile and tell her that he was prepared to wait forever, even while she – and all her friends – knew that he'd been played the fool.
To avoid getting your heart broken or being played the fool, try to avoid taking other people so literally .
Instead, focus on the intention behind the communication.
For example, a person who tells you that they're forbidden to date is actually telling you that they're not available.
A person who tells you that they already have a boyfriend/girlfriend is saying the same.
In fact, the statement “I have a boyfriend/girlfriend” is often used as a brushoff, when the speaker doesn't want to be bothered. It is only true half the time—if that.
As you start to focus less on what people say, you will learn how to ultimately uncover what they mean, which is often something very different.
That knowledge can give you an insider advantage when it comes to breaking the mold and bringing them face to face with someone who knows them almost as well as they know themselves
Conversation Mistake #4: Hiding Your Thoughts.
Your thoughts are never hidden.
Our thoughts are always visible in our body language. The signs may be subtle, but for the trained observer they're always there.
So if you're the sort of person who believes that other people won't know how you feel until you tell them, then this is an important message for you.
It's my firm belief that we should never try to hide or resist our thoughts.
Squashing your feelings to keep another person from picking up on them will just result in embarrassment on both sides.
Instead of denying your feelings, you should use positive self-talk to communicate the message you want to communicate.
Here's an example of how this works.
Betty was working alongside a dead-sexy colleague on a project.
When she was sitting next to him and trying to brainstorm ideas for the project, all she could think about was his body being so close to hers and how much she wished he would touch her.
As a result, her face became slightly flushed.
Her voice rose slightly in pitch and was slightly faster than usual.
Her colleague, noticing how disconcerted she seemed to be working with him, assumed that she was intimidated working with someone so high in the company and felt amused.
Betty could have tried zillions of tricks to hide her attraction, but ultimately there was nothing she could do about the involuntary physical reactions that revealed her nerves.
Here's what Betty should have done.
The next time she worked with him, Betty was prepared.
She knew that it was going to be impossible to focus on the project and not him, so she gave her thoughts a new angle.
Instead of focusing on his physical attractiveness, Betty focused on her admiration for her colleague's skills and intelligence.
As she watched him speak to her, she consciously thought to herself, “You're so smart.
I love the way your mind words.” She even found herself complimenting him on the way he'd organized the project and was surprised to see him smiling.
At the end of the meeting, he lingered to tell her how much he enjoyed working with her.
“It's great to work with another sharp mind like yours,” he said.
Why did this strategy work?
Because resistance is never as effective as creating a diversion.
Try not to think about something, and your mind will return to it again and again.
But give your mind a new activity, like thinking positive thoughts, and you'll convey what you want every time.
Here's another common example.
Let's say that you've just gone to a party where you don't know anyone.
The minute you walk through the door, you immediately feel self-conscious. Your heart starts to race. Your palms start to sweat.
To hide your nervousness, you walk quickly into the crowd and make your way over to the refreshments table.
You focus on pouring yourself a glass of punch as if it were the most important thing in the world.
You think that no one noticed your discomfort.
But for everyone else at the party, what you're doing is perfectly obvious. You embarrassed and trying to hide it.
What would have happened if you would have tried thinking different thoughts instead?
This time, when you walk through the door, you still feel self-conscious as everyone's gaze lights on you.
Your heart starts to race.
“Oh no,” you find yourself thinking, “I don't know anybody. They're all probably wondering, Who invited them?”
But this time you catch yourself feeding your nervousness.
This time, you decide to take your thoughts in hand.
You deliberately say to yourself in your head,
“This is a nice group of people. Maybe I'll meet some new friends. That group over there is laughing like crazy.
Yum, it looks like there are refreshments, too.
Wow, I think I'm going to like this party.” And, with those thoughts complete, you walk into the crowd.
Do you think your body language would be any different in the second example?
I can assure you that it would be!
When you think positive thoughts, people can see the difference.
You stand up straighter. You keep your head up. You aren't afraid of looking at people.
You smile. Your eyes sparkle. You project confidence, no matter how nervous you might feel underneath.
It's quite simply amazing! You can affect your body language with the thoughts you think.
So if you're going to become an excellent communicator, you have to take your thoughts in hand.
You can't go wrong if you ensure that what you're telling yourself in your mind is the very same.” message that you'd like to convey to the world.
Make a commitment to ignore negative thoughts like,
“That cute guy/girl isn't going to like me,” and instead replace them with more empowering thoughts like, “I wonder if that cute guy/girl is interesting.
I'm going to go check them out.” Your body will respond confidently … without you having to do a thing!
Conversation Mistake #5: Trying to Prove Yourself.
“You don't even know me yet! You haven't even given me a chance!”
The television drama caught my attention.
I paused just long enough to see a red-faced woman crying as her ex-lover walked out the door.
She sank to her knees, sobbing. “But you didn't even get to see how good I could be for you….”
I turned the television off, shaking my head.
Poor woman. She thought she'd been dumped because the other person hadn't had enough time to get to know the “real” her.
She thought that all it would take to get back together was to show him what a great girlfriend she could be.
But that wasn’t it at all.
If someone is not attracted to you, trying to “prove” yourself to them just digs a deeper hole.
You don't have to prove yourself to anybody. The mere fact of trying reveals a deep-rooted insecurity.
May you never feel like you have to prove yourself to the opposite sex.
A secure and confident person doesn't need to make any effort to prove themselves, because they know that they have the ability to do the job.
They know that they'll make a good boyfriend/girlfriend/partner.
They know that they're attractive enough, sexy enough, and fun enough to be a great partner to whomever they choose.
Throw away the unhelpful belief that people will like you if only they would get to know you a bit better.
First impressions take just seconds, and they’re amazingly accurate.
Be the real you from the start, and you won't have to wait long at all for people to like you.
This is harder than you might think.
Most of us act in an artificial way around the opposite sex because we're trying too hard to be cool, confident, and collected.
Trying too hard is a recipe for disaster.
It's easy to tell when a person is trying too hard to come across a certain way, and it's not hard to guess that they're doing so for your benefit.
Not only does that make them uncomfortable to be around, but no one wants to talk with someone who makes every conversation into a performance. It's too much work!
It's so much more fun to talk with people who are laid back, relaxed, and not too fussed about things.
Think of how you're like around your friends. You don't worry too much about what you say around them, do you? As a result, you're natural, fun, and lively. You're superb company.
And that's the secret to curing yourself of the tendency to try too hard.
Be with other people the same way you are with your best friends .
Treat them as if you already know them.
Treat them as if they're long-lost friends that you're catching up with after a long time apart.
Treat them as if there's no question that they enjoy your company, and vice versa.
If you can master this technique, you'll stop seeing
your first conversation with a person as an “audition” for the role of being their date.
Instead, you'll start enjoying talking with attractive members of the opposite sex for the sake of having a great conversation!
If you can have fun with new people – whether they're attractive singles or not – you're going to increase your own attractiveness immeasurably.
There's just something about a person who's genuine, relaxed, and enjoying themselves that's sooo sexy.
Treating new people like they're already your friends has another wonderful benefit.
You know how your friends are your friends because, well, you just like hanging out with them?
You don't “get” anything out of your friends.
That's not what friendship is about. You don't expect anything from them aside from the pleasure of their company.
That's a beautiful attitude to have when it comes to talking to an attractive member of the opposite sex.
If you're talking to an attractive member of the opposite sex just because it's fun and you enjoy their company, they're going to feel just as relaxed around you.
They're not going to feel any pressure.
They're not going to sense that you want them to feel a particular way about you.
In such an environment, free from expectations, free from the pressure to “attract” someone, genuine chemistry can bloom.
And that's the secret.
Don't console yourself with the belief that you really are a great catch and it's just that no one has recognized it yet.
Stop thinking so much about it. Stop trying so hard. Stop trying to prove yourself!
Instead, do what attractive people do.
Start having more fun with people. Start making more friends.
Start laughing more, relaxing more, and enjoying conversations for the sake of good company.
I can assure you: it's so much less work, and so much more fun!
