Question from a reader.
Please can you explain to me how to be more feminine woman on a day to day basis?
I’m aware that men tend to be attracted to super-feminine women, but I spend all day in the marketing department (I’m an executive at a large-ish company) and part of my role involves barking orders at people, chairing meetings, and doing a lot of stuff that pretty much nips anything ‘feminine’ in the bud.
By the time I get home I find it really hard to unwind and feel like a woman again;
I don’t want this to impact my relationship (I live with my partner, and while he hasn’t mentioned , I’m very aware that my behavior after work isn’t as sweet and sexy as it could be because after a long day of stomping around in a suit and chasing up on other people, I JUST DON’T FEEL LIKE IT.)
Please can you kindly give me some suggestions on how to be more feminine or what I can do to combat this, that don’t involve quitting my job?
Thanks for your question. I love the issues that you’ve brought up here, ‘masculinity’ and ‘femininity’ are HUGE and COMPLEX issues.
People are always trying to put their finger on exactly what it is that makes someone ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’ and it can be difficult to get a straight answer, quite frankly, because so many ‘theorists’ on this matter are virtually hogtied by the pressure to be ‘politically correct’.
(I mean, let’s face it. Political correctness would have us believe that there IS no such thing as gender that all men and all women are exactly the same.
And that we have the same instincts, feelings, and ways of handling life.)
To answer your question, let’s get a few things straight:
First of all, ALL of us have both masculine and feminine sides to us.
Whether you are a woman or a man, you have the ability to act and feel ‘more feminine’ or ‘more masculine’ at any time of the day.
And how you’re feeling depends largely on what you are DOING and the ENVIRONMENT that you are in: different settings and different tasks call out different aspects of our personalities.
(By the way – this is a universal truth. The concept of masculine and feminine ‘energy’ is an extremely old one, and has been mentioned everywhere from self-help books to marriage guides to ideas on how to work more effectively.
I do find it extremely useful though – and you will too!)
Somewhere that this concept is explored in detail is in a book called ‘It’s A Guy Thing’, by David Deida.
This book talks a lot about the concept of ‘masculine and feminine energy’ and how a concept of Deida’s called ‘sexual polarity’ plays a big role in the attraction that a man and a woman feel for one another.
Deida (a world-renowned author on personal growth and intimate relationships) postulates that pronounced masculinity and femininity are what attract you to the opposite sex: that the more masculine a man is, the more a really feminine woman will find him attractive.
The more feminine a woman is, the more masculine the men will be who find her attractive and irresistible.
He calls this ‘sexual polarity’, and suggests that, WITHOUT polarity, a relationship will lose its ‘juice’ and will degenerate into something more ‘gender-neutral’ like a friendship or even a business relationship.
Obviously, Cecelia, this is something that you wish to PREVENT from happening to your own relationship
And it’s pretty observant of you to pick out that your ‘masculine’ workplace has a big impact on how sexy and feminine you feel once the day is over, and how you’d like to CHANGE THAT before it begins to impact your relationship (what Deida calls ‘depolarization’.)
Like I say … the environment that you are in plays a BIG PART in how you feel and act. If you’re in a very pronouncedly ‘masculine’ environment, that effect can take several hours to wear off.
For example, the office is usually a very MASCULINE place.
It’s tightly focused, it’s driven, people have defined goals and they walk rapidly around with a tangible sense of purpose.
People wear ‘defined’ clothes with shoulder pads, belt buckles, trouser suits, and tightly-knotted ties.
Women tend to wear their hair pulled back off their faces, and often wear quite ‘severe’ makeup.
Everyone is rushing around, spending all available time and energy on achieving their goals and completing specific projects. Clearly, a very masculine place to be.
Places that nurture your ‘feminine energy’, on the other hand, tend to be much less restricted, more ‘free-flowing’, and full of movement, life, and Mother Nature.
The beach, for example, is usually experienced as a very FEMININE place.
Life is happening all around.
There’s birdsong, waves crashing, small children playing in the sand, people romping and playing with Frisbees and dogs, picnics, and warm sunshine all things that bring up the concept of bountiful life and creation.
It’s both relaxing and energizing.
People obviously feel and behave VERY differently in either of these places.
When they’re in the office, they’re utilizing their more ‘masculine’ side: disciplined, focused, moving forward to achieve defined goals.
When they’re feeling more ‘feminine’, they’re relaxed, playful, happy, and sensual.
Obviously, this is all quite ‘stereotypical’ stuff we’re talking about here;
It might be a little difficult for you not to roll your eyes and snort. (I know that when I first started researching this stuff, I felt the same way!)
But here’s the deal: we all have both masculine AND feminine ‘energy.’
We’re none of us just ‘one or the other’.
And how you feel depends largely on where you are and what you’re doing: which ‘energy’ you’re in (if you’ll forgive the ‘crystal-swinging New-Agey’ phraseology.)
If you want to take control of which ‘energy’ you are in – how you’re feeling and, as a result, how you naturally ‘act’ – then it helps to start paying attention to what environment you are in and how it makes you feel.
When you’re coming home from work, for example, you’re most likely dressed in a suit, high heels, and other ‘restrictive’ items of clothing – the ‘sartorial armor’ that most professionals don to get them ‘in the mood’ for the workday, and to help them harness their masculine energies.
(Ever heard the phrase, ‘Dress for success’?
That phrase is based on the TRUTH that what you wear – the ‘environment’ that you put your body in – directly affects how you feel and act.)
Your first objective when you return home is to remove ALL physical links between yourself and the workday.
Take off your work clothes and put on something soft and not ‘binding’ – a comfy pair of jeans and a cashmere sweater, for example.
Clothes that feel soft and sexy against your skin.
For me personally, I like to take a shower or a bath when I come home.
It literally cleanses the day off of me, and it’s a nice ‘boundary marker’ between the Manish that I am at work, and the Manish that I am at home.
I emerge feeling clean, warm, and soft – and am ready to slip into something comfortable that makes me feel sexy and manly.
That’s what being a woman you should do to feel more feminine and sexy woman.
(By the way … any contact at all with water will generally put you back in your feminine energy quicker than you can say ‘womanize me!’
Baths in particular are a GREAT way to luxuriate in your femininity.
There’s something inherently playful and sensual about taking a bath: grab a glass of wine, put some soft music on, and slide under the hot water.)
Next: create the kind of home environment for yourself that stimulates and intensifies your femininity.
Create a SENSUAL environment for yourself.
Choose soft, yellow- or red-toned lighting (which flatters the skin and relaxes the eye), play some relaxing music, create areas of comfort and sensuality for yourself.
For example, you might like to drape a soft throw over a favorite armchair, stock up with some puffy pillows, and choose some soft music.
Stock your pantry with foods that warm, nurture and nourish you: herbal teas, hot chocolate, fresh fruit, cheese, and organic breads and crackers.
Something that I always find extremely helpful to ‘remove’ the masculine energy of the day is to get into ‘play mode’ and do something frivolous and silly.
Nature somewhere, and run around together for a while.
Any kind of playfulness and laughter will instantly recharge your ‘feminine batteries’ and remind you of your womanhood.
You might be wondering at this time, ‘But Manish … WAKE UP.
I can’t just go home and take a bath.
I have kids to feed, groceries to buy, chores to do, dishes to wash, and finances to balance.
Where am I supposed to get all this spare time from suddenly?’
To which I reply.
Interestingly enough, something as simple and mundane as household chores still has an impact on which ‘energy’ you’re feeling at the time.
Have you ever noticed that certain tasks around the house and garden utilize your disciplined, focused, rational side … and others make you feel more creative and more ‘sensual’?
(A sensual chore?? Yes … I am being serious.)
For example my wife, in my household, she found that doing things like paying the bills, arranging for utilities to be switched on or changed, taking out the garbage, and organizing the garage doesn’t make her feel very feminine.
It puts her in my ‘masculine energy’.
Whereas on the other hand, things like chopping vegetables, cooking dinner, and making the house look nice (putting flowers by the bed, vacuuming, washing windows) makes her feel more womanly and sensual.
Maybe because it’s ‘creative’ work ... maybe because it makes a direct and instant effect on her environment. Whatever.
So, we have arranged that I will do the ‘blue chores’ like taking out the trash and dealing with bills, and she will do the ‘pink chores’ like making the dinner and arranging the house.
Now, let’s be realistic here.
Obviously, those chores aren’t going to make me feel as feminine and playful and sensuous as taking a bath, going dancing, or eating a piece of chocolate.
But if chores have to be done (and let’s face it, when do they not?), you may as well choose the ones that make you feel the most comfortable and in ‘in tune’ with your feminine side.
Which ones feel that way are all up to you and your partner to decide, of course.
A little bit of awareness is all you need: to think about whether what you’re doing makes you feel more ‘masculine’ or more ‘feminine’.
The important concept here is that you pay attention to what works FOR YOU.
One last suggestion: consciously make time to be with your partner as a woman.
There is never the ‘right time’ to do this if you lead a busy life; you have to MAKE that time for yourself.
Arrange to take a bath together, enjoy a private candle-lit dinner, or to spend some alone-time together in the bedroom with the doors closed.
Practice getting your priorities in line, and learn to be OK with saying ‘no’ to other things that ‘need’ doing.
The house might not always be perfectly clean, or there might be dishes stacked on the counter from time to time but if your relationship and sex-life is happy and fulfilling, who cares?
You get to decide what’s the most important here; so make the decision, delegate with pride, and then relax fully into your femininity. Aaaaaah.
With a little bit of awareness and a little bit of consciousness, this is all you need to create the ‘polarized’ atmosphere of passion and sexual love that you both crave.