How to stop infidelity in marriage - One of the common reasons for divorce and break ups.
To be honest there's a myth infidelity or cheating is the last straw, that once someone has cheated on their spouse, the marriage is over.
It’s normal to feel that way, to feel like cheating smashes a marriage like a vase and even if you can glue the pieces back together it will never be truly whole again.
But many couples survive infidelity and go on to save their marriages.
This guide will go through several aspects of infidelity to help you plan for the worst and survive it should it happen to you.
If you’ve never cheated on your spouse, and they’ve never cheated on you, congratulations. That’s great news.
But you should think about it. Don’t just consider it for a few seconds and sweep the idea under the rug, thinking, “That could never happen to us – we love each other too much.”
Lots of people who love each other a whole lot end up cheating on each other. ItKeep your conversation positive, not accusatory or angry. Just acknowledge to each other the possibility that one or both of you could slip and cheat at some point isn’t inevitable, but it isn’t uncommon, either.
The best thing to do right now is to sit down and have an honest conversation with your spouse about the subject.
Both of you have to be realistic. Don’t just say, “I’d never cheat on you. That’s impossible.”
And don’t accept that from your spouse, either. Talk about it as though it were possible. What situations – lots of travel for work, for example – might lead to the possibility of infidelity?
Business road warriors spend a lot of time jet-lagged, overworked, lonely and exhausted in hotels and motels with nothing but a TV for company. That can lead to poor choices, including infidelity.
If you want to find out how to stop infidelity in marriage there are some ways you can stop infidelity or cheating from happening?
Having a good friend or two you can always call when you’re in that lonely motel room is a great start.
These should be people who will pick up when you call, and who will talk seriously with you about your feelings and help keep you from making a stupid mistake.
Honesty between spouses is also vital in preventing infidelity before it happens. I don’t mean looking up from your newspaper at the breakfast table and saying,
“Honey, I feel like cheating on you.” I mean regular, honest conversations with each other where you talk about how you’re feeling, what’s going on at your job, what you are happy about, afraid of, and so on.
It’s good for your husband or wife to know how you are doing, and it’s a bad idea to get in the habit of keeping secrets, even little ones, from them.
Hiding your feelings because you worry about how your spouse will react to them is not helpful. If you’re under stress at work, they should know.
Building a habit of honesty is one of the most important ways you can make your marriage strong from the start. It can really help you not need the rest of this information.
What if you've cheated on your spouse - How to explain and how to stop cheating again?
Let’s say you’ve cheated on your spouse. What should you do.
First, get clear with yourself about the situation. What level of cheating are we talking about here?
Did you have a one-night stand with someone you’ll never see again?
Or did you hop in bed with one of your neighbors or co-workers, someone you’re going to see all the time? Are you planning to continue this infidelity?
If you still love your spouse and you are unhappy that you cheated and you want to keep your marriage going, great.
The first, and most important thing for you to do is to stop cheating again and stop your affair as soon as possible. Immediately. Minimize the damage.
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Now this is not at all easy. Sex triggers all kinds of endorphins in your brain, emotions in your heart, and it can really turn your whole world upside down.
Maybe it seems like this person you’ve hooked up with really understands you in a way your spouse never did, or that this is really love, a special, intense, different kind of passion you’ve never felt before.
Lots of people feel that way. You may not even know exactly how you feel. It’s quite human to feel different emotions at different times.
You may feel more alive than you’ve ever felt before when you are with this new person, and then later you may feel worse than ever when you tiptoe into the house late at night and look down at your kids asleep in their beds.
There’s real danger of getting into a kind of shame spiral, where you cheat, feel terrible guilt, and then cheat more to bury those feelings of guilt.
Trust me, that doesn’t lead to a happy place. So it’s probably a good idea to get some help figuring out how you feel.
Start by writing down a gratitude list about your marriage and your life as it is now.
List all the things you have in your life that you are thankful for – a home, a spouse, children, a dog, your health, your job, your routine, family vacations, everything you can think of.
Do this every morning. It just takes a few minutes, but it gets you thinking about what is really important to you.
And it also reminds you of some of the many great things you might lose due to separation or divorce.
The Main Theme - Explaining Your Spouse That You Cheated on Him or Her.
When should you tell your spouse you’ve cheated? Or should you tell them at all?
This isn’t a simple question. It depends on the seriousness of your infidelity – having an affair with your wife’s sister, say, versus picking up a stranger in a bar for a one-night stand.
You may feel terrible, terrible, overwhelming guilt that drives you to disclose what you’ve done immediately. But hold on.
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Don’t drop an atom bomb on your spouse just to make yourself feel better.
If you’ve stopped the affair and taken the steps described above, like talking to a therapist, you will be able to disclose in a safer way in the near future.
Your spouse is likely to feel a lot of emotions when you reveal what you’ve done.
Remember that those emotions belong to your spouse, not to you, and your job isn’t to try and control them.
Don’t insult your spouse by saying something stupid and simplistic like, “Don’t be angry, honey.” Let them be angry. They should be angry and upset. There should be shouting and tears.
If you’ve already gotten help from a therapist or taken other steps to end your affair, that’s fine.
Make sure your spouse knows that, but don’t expect those things to instantly make everything OK. That’s not going to happen.
Your spouse will probably have a lot of questions. You should do your best to answer them honestly, with humility.
Let’s be clear, though, about the difference between humility and humiliation. They are not the same.
You want to be honest and humble. “I made a mistake and I know it, and I’m very sorry.”
But don’t grovel like a worm. That doesn’t help, and it isn’t good for you, either. You aren’t a worm.
You aren’t the worst husband or wife that has ever lived. You are a human being who made a serious mistake. But stand on your two feet and accept responsibility. Don’t crawl on the floor.
Before you disclose to your spouse you must decide how much information you are going to tell. Will you reveal the name of the person you cheated with?
That’s a question only you can answer (a counselor or therapist might help), and you can figure it out yourself with a little thinking.
Your spouse will want to know where this person is and if you are going to see them again.
If it’s a coworker or neighbor or your trainer at the gym, they’re going to want to know how you plan to stop from seeing them and cheating again.
If you tell your spouse the name of the person you cheated with, your spouse may want to talk to them (or try to kill them...!).
So decide carefully what you’re going to do, and be clear with yourself ahead of time.
How far are you willing to sacrifice your privacy to satisfy your spouse? Let’s say you communicated with this person by email.
Will you hand over your email password to your spouse so they can check all your messages whenever they want?
Some people are comfortable doing this, but it isn’t required. You have to decide for yourself.
Sometimes people feel like because they cheated they have given their scorned spouse carte blanche to demand any information they want.
“Have you ever cheated on your partners in the past, before we met?” they may ask. How are you going to answer that question?
You may feel that what happened before you met is none of their business, or you may decide to reveal that information. Either one is fine, but you need to decide ahead of time, not in the heat of a discussion.
Your spouse may reasonably ask whether you had safe sex during your affair. That’s a loaded question, very emotional.
You may feel like you’re being accused of something terrible, and you may get defensive. But if you didn’t have safe sex, you better.
tell them. You need to get tested and your spouse may also want to. Again, in discussing and disclosing such emotionally loaded subjects, you will benefit greatly from a professional therapist’s help.
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