In my previous article here you learned why men cheat women they love. So we’ve been through all the WHY’S …
Now let’s talk about what you can do, starting right now, to make sure you never, EVER have to worry about cheating again (and how to recover if you’ve already been cheated on.)
Ready? To learn how to stop worrying about cheating
Okay, let’s go …
The NUMBER ONE INGREDIENT in this delicious cake of commitment and love that you two are in the middle of cooking up is …
Not sex …
Not cuddling …
Not marriage …
Not having kids (ugh, HORRIBLE way to try heal a relationship melt-down …)
Not getting a puppy together (and then fighting forever about whose turn it is to pick up the poop in the back-yard and take it out for a walk when it’s raining outside …)
It’s SITTING DOWN AND TALKING TOGETHER LIKE RATIONAL ADULTS. Frequently. Openly. And actually being HONEST about stuff.
That’s it. That’s IT.
That is the best – and really, the ONLY – way to make sure you guys see eye to eye and that everyone’s safe and happy and trusting each other.
And it’s to keep the lines of communication wide open and just be honest about what you’re thinking, what your needs are, and whether those needs are getting met.
If you can both do that, then even if mistakes DO get made (like if someone nabs your guy, pumps him full of premium-brand tequila and chocks him to the gills with Ecstasy then dumps him at the Playboy mansion for an all-night bender)
Chances are, you guys will still be just fine. Because you can TALK about it and figure it out together … you know … which is, at the core, what relationships are all about.
“Yeah Manish, that’s fine … but how do I actually DO that??” and also stop worrying about cheating.
Glad you asked. Let’s break it down.
First: rather than worrying about cheating,you’ve gotta build some TRUST.
Trust is the biggest component of ANY healthy relationship, no matter how long you guys have been together for. (Yes, it’s actually more important than sex. Gosh, imagine that.)
Here’s how to create trust:
First, you’ve got to know who YOU are and who YOU want. (Nobody’s going to be able to give you their trust if you don’t know the answers to these questions, so think about it.)
What do you need from your guy to truly feel happy and secure?
How much attention do you need? What kind of attention? What are your deal-breakers? How are you feeling right now?
Those kinds of things.
Then, learn how to be okay with stating your truth in a way that’s not all prickly and toxic with charged-up resentment and secret beliefs that it will somehow damage him for you to be up front about who you are (it won’t.
And if it does, consider yourself lucky that you dodged that bullet NOW instead of ten years down the track.)
Next, accept that who you are today is not who you’ll be tomorrow and it isn’t who you were yesterday. (Got that?)
And – here’s the big one – neither is he. You HAVE to accept that growth and change is natural and VITAL to sustaining the spark of your relationship and the depth of your connection.
Heck, it’s vital for YOU, too, on a totally personal level. Humans change. It’s good. It’s healthy. You can’t escape it. Deal with it.
However, change tends to make things a little squirrelly in relationships because people are always SCARED of change (“How will it affect me? Will she still love me?
If she undergoes some kind of massive transformation will she expect ME to change too???”)
So, you’ve got some reassuring to do. (Again, this is why TALKING is so handy.)
When you find yourself wanting to try out a new direction in your life, be open about it. Ask for his support.
Promise him yours. Keep him clued in on where you’re at and where you think you might be headed.
Tell him things might get a little weird sometimes while you’re figuring it out, but it’s all good because you love him lots and aren’t going anywhere. Etc.
Choose to communicate at all times with as close to radical honesty as you can womanly manage.
Look, everyone lies. It’s human nature.
I’m a liar. You’re a liar (and I know this because I’m a liar.)
Nobody tells the truth all day every day – and if we did, the whole world would explode because those little ‘lies’ are what keeps the axles of the world nice and greasy so we don’t choke each other to death because someone said our butt looked fat in those jeans.
However, when it comes to The Big Stuff (like relationships, feelings, uncertainty, commitment, sexual satisfaction, and the punishment you’ll exact if he EVER eats the last cupcake again), fearless, radical honesty frees up a HUGE amount of energy for you both to actually connect in an authentic partnership.
So here’s what that means for you:
Any time you’re going through something difficult in your relationship, the only way to fix it (no matter what it is) is to sit down and talk like adults.
That means it’s okay for YOU to be honest … and it means you make it okay for HIM to be honest too.
No punishment, no toxicity, just keep the communication free-flowing and see what happens.
Second: You’ve Gotta Have FUN Together and Stop Worrying about the cheating stuff.
Look. Every relationship has a honeymoon period.
You’re in the first flush, all his little habits still seem cute and funny, you can’t WAIT to have another hilarious conversation and tell him all about your day.
And then, at some point sooner or later, all that goes away, the “love chemicals” wear off, and you realize that you’re with a real person and he’s not perfect after all and now you
somehow have to make it work long-term.
(And yes, I’m married, so I’m allowed to be honest about this stuff 😉
But the point is: it’s actually pretty easy to let the fun stuff slide and stop ‘playing’ together when the reality of daily life truly sets in.
Not to put too much of a downer on you, but – ESPECIALLY when you’re living with a guy –conversations about bills, chores, dishes, dog-walking, childcare, and gardening can kind of take over a bit.
And that’s when your relationship stops feeling FUN … and starts feeling more like a business partnership.
Now, there are upsides to having a functional ‘adult’ relationship: being able to talk about this stuff (and take care of it together) is totally vital, and nobody’s suggesting you hide your head in the sand or make HIM take care of everything.
But … don’t let the fun slide. Ask yourself this:
Are you still laughing together?
Are you still having fun together?
Do you still cuddle on the couch for no good reason?
Do you have little ‘in jokes’?
Can you still be frivolous and weird and silly and crazy and giggly together??
Personally, I freely admit that I’m a total individual when it comes to “bills stuff” – I hate being ambushed by conversations about water fees, parking tickets, vet bills, or any of that ‘boring real world stuff’ when I’m trying to eat breakfast or towel off after a shower or lie reading on the couch …
Or, really, pretty much ANY time that’s not of my own individual choosing … yes,
I’m a control freak.
Basically, I like to take care of that stuff myself, when I want to do it, and I don’t want to bother about it until I’m ready.
BUT … my wife (who is ridiculously awesome at organizing all this stuff) likes us to do it together, and – being a control freak himself – has her own timetable for doing it. Which means I frequently have to put aside my book, my movie, my cheeseburger, whatever,
and come back to The Real World to deal with it … even when I really, REALLY just want to forget about all that for a while.
This would normally piss me off no end and make me snap at him while I try to relax and eat my cornflakes (the SUN hasn’t even come up yet, for God’s sake!)
If you can have fun in relationship together, it doesn’t really matter what else happens because
you’ll still actually LIKE each other which means even when life gets complicated (like when his boss hires a REALLY cute co-worker who will be working very closely with him over the next six months)
You’ll still want to spend time with each other and he won’t want to ‘escape’ you to go have fun with anyone else.
Third: Have A Lot Of Sex.
Here’s the thing: you’ve got some annoying habits.
And it’s not just YOU … EVERYONE does.
If you’re having a lot of sex (that you both enjoy, mind), you can have drool hanging out of your
mouth and boogers in your nose and skid-marks in your underwear (okay, maybe not skid-marks) and he’ll still find it cute.
If you’re having no sex, all those little habits become incredibly irritating and he’ll start to get pissy with you …
And he’ll start to notice other (skid-mark-free) women who suddenly seem VERY attractive.
Sex is the glue that holds your relationship together. It’s the power that charges your battery up organically and naturally so you WANT to stay together.
If you’re not having it, let me be clear:
Your relationship is living on borrowed time.
Yeah, there are times when sex isn’t always possible (right before and right after the birth of a child … when one of you is in the final throes of a medical internship … when you’re staying with his parents on “holiday” in Florida and he can’t bear to get a hard-on within 50 feet of any room that contains his mother …)
But even SO!
The more sex you have, the less everything else will bother him. (And you, to a lesser extent.)
The less sex you have, suddenly the more ruthless his magnifying glass becomes. That’s just how men think about sex.
You can work with it, and let it buoy you up … or you can struggle and suffer and constantly wonder in the back of your mind if he’s “checking out” other women (the answer is YES, of COURSE he is.
That’s one thing that a lot of sex will never change, because again … he’s a guy.)
If sex sounds onerous and you can’t be bothered and you LITERALLY can’t resist the siren-song
of your ten silicon ergonomic pillows, a good book, and a nightly Ambien.
(I get it, you’re busy, I’m busy, everybody’s busy …) then think about it this way: when time is tight and people are tired, it only needs to take 5 minutes. Just FIVE MINUTES.
(And sometimes, just 3 minutes.)
And once you actually get into it, you probably won’t want it to be over that quick anyway.
But there’s no sugar-coating this one … unless you want things to fall apart like a precarious
pyramid of greased-up beer bottles balanced by intoxicated frat-boys at a keg party, SEX IS VITAL TO THE HEALTH OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
(Plus it’s good for your skin. And you’ll look younger. And your man will love you more. And you’ll FEEL good.
And it’s good for your cardiovascular system. And it can help you lose weight if you get on top.
And all those other bazillion reasons to just drop panties and do it that I can’t be bothered
listing right now.)
I will stop here. I hope you loved reading this article on how to stop worrying cheating in a relationship.
If you really love it please do not forget to watch This Amazing Video on why men lie and cheat women they love.