You are here reading this article on reasons for divorce in marriage because you have a specific problem that you want to address.
Perhaps your husband watches the television more than he talks to you. Perhaps your wife greets you each day with a litany of complaints about what has gone wrong while you’ve been at work. This could be the reasons for your divorce.
The problems can be one or many, the issue is your marriage is on the verge of divorce and in this article we are going to find out the underlying causes and top reasons for divorce in marriage along with the solutions that will help you to deal with your marriage.
So, if you are ready let’s begin.
#1. Unhealthy Expectations and Comparison.
If you always compare your marriage to the married couples that you see around you.
Yet it’s important to remember that when you see someone else’s marriage, you are only seeing the surface.
The couple that you thought was so happily married, that seemed so much in love, may be divorced by the end of the week.
One common issues with marital couples is that they jump to quick conclusions and judge their marriage too harshly.
Below is the list of some unhealthy expectations that sooner or later becomes the top reasons for divorce.
Learn to identify unhealthy expectations through asking yourself if they fall into one of the following categories:
You can’t clearly identify what you expect to yourself.
You want your partner to change into who you’d like him to be rather than accepting him as he is. (This does not include specific behaviors that you’d like him to change.)
You want your marriage or your partner to be like someone else’s.
You want an instant transformation.
You know that your expectation is impossible.
Your expectation includes the word “always” or “never,” as in: “We will never get angry at one another,” “I will always be happy,” or, “He will always take the garbage out.”
#2. Not Fixing Issues Quickly.
Resist the temptation to fix it as quickly as possible. Often when people are confronted with the reality of a serious marital issue, they believe the sooner it is fixed the better it will be. It’s not always that easy.
Many marital issues are things that have developed over a long period of time, have feeling attached, and need to acknowledged and processed in a careful manner.
But most of the times we take these minor issues for granted and later they turn into major issues.
#3. Constant Blaming Can Also Become One of the Top Reasons For divorce in Marriage.
If you keep blaming your spouse for little things it won’t help. The most important thing to remember here is that apportioning blame isn’t going to save your marriage.
Sure, there will be degrees of culpability, and you may believe that responsibility lies more with your partner than it does with you, but regardless of the responsibility, the solution lies with both of you.
Ultimately you are both invested in the relationship, so responsibility for fixing it rests with both of you.
Rather than blaming one another and being the part of the problem, it’s better to be the part of the solution by trying to find a way out or else this constant blaming could become the number one reason for divorce.
#4. Begging for Forgiveness
As bad as it sounds, one of the most common reactions to a marriage crisis involves one partner begging the other for forgiveness, promising that they will change, that they are sorry, and that things will be different in future.
I really wish people would avoid this one, as it does so much damage to your credibility.
Consider your motivations for begging, being sorry, and promising to change.
Is it in reaction to the sorrow you feel at having done something wrong, or is it simply what you believe you need to do to save your marital life?
Now I want you to consider it from your partner’s point of view.
Without completely understanding the implications of what you have done, you are begging for a second chance.
Does it appear that you are truly contrite? Do you appear as though you are making the changes for the right reasons?
Resist the temptation to be sorry. Resist the temptation to beg.
Acknowledge that there is a problem. Listen. Understand what your partner is saying. Understand what the issues are and your part in it.
Without accepting or apportioning blame, consider ways that you can both participate in a solution.
If you are guilty of what you are being accused of, your words are going to mean very little.
Your actions will rebuild trust and commitment, but only over time.
#5. If your partner has given up, you should too
If your partner wants out and you have already given up on your marriage too, and need to be convinced that it is worth saving, then chances are your marriage is doomed to fail.
If you don’t believe redemption and reconnection is possible, then you are going to have a hard time convincing your partner.
This really is a time when your heart needs to be in it. The true test of your love is when you are on the back foot, and the love you show your partner is not being reciprocated.
If you are feeling sorry for yourself, stop it. Pity gets you nowhere. Self-belief does. So does a commitment to your marriage. And it starts with you.
While you can’t control the actions of your partner, you do have complete control over how you choose to react to it.
With the right attitude and some sound techniques, you can save your marriage from divorce.
But you have to believe it first. Start by smiling. It may be a while since you have smiled.
Find ways to channel stress and ways to reconnect with friends and be happy.
You have a choice: you can be miserable and angry, or you can be calm and focused, maybe even a little nice.
Which of those two personality types would you want to come home to? The answer is simple.
#6. But they say they aren’t “in love” with me.
This would have to be one of the most over-used phrases I have heard in marriage breakups, and it clearly tells me that people don’t understand what real love is.
The “in love” experience that people so commonly refer to is called infatuation, lust, romantic love, and this is a temporary phenomenon that occurs at the beginning of a relationship, but dies anywhere from 6 months to the first 2-3 years.
Some people go their entire lives in pursuit of love, never realizing that what they are chasing can’t be sustained in the long term.
Once romantic love dies, chaos ensues before real love can flourish.
When your partner tells you that they aren’t “in love” anymore, what they are reacting to is a transition in the relationship, where both of you are being called to a deeper level of loving.
#7. Suggesting a trial separation while you both think about what you want.
This is a BIG mistake and one of the top reasons for divorce.
A trial separation should never be a first option when looking at ways to get meaning from your marital issues.
If you both need space to think, go separate places for the day, but where possible it is imperative that you continue to live together and maintain some sense of routine.
Shifting out doesn’t always give both of you time to think. What it does is gives you both time to adjust to living as individuals.
Once you have adjusted to living apart, your marriage-saving mission immediately becomes much harder.
Find ways to channel your feelings and examine the issues in your marriage, but resist the temptation to shift out while this process is underway.
#8. Constant Conflicts
The likelihood of some sort of conflict in your relationship is inevitable.
But blaming your partner for being selfish won’t help.
Neither will thinking that the only way to solve your conflict is your way: having your wife promise to be home when you come back from work.
If you learn better ways of approaching conflicts from the start, you’ll find that they resolve themselves.
The first step is to consider why you approach and respond to conflict situations in the way you do.
For example, you didn’t mention that your wife may feel tired and overwhelmed from having to deal with a child (in the “Terrible Twos,” no less) all day long, alone in the house with no help.
Going to the mall or to her friend’s may provide her with emotional relief while entertaining the child with new environments and play situations.
Had you started a discussion with your wife with recognizing her situation and how difficult it must be, as well as being understanding of the way she is dealing with the demands on her, she may have been much more open and receptive to listening to your needs.
The way in which you or your partner react to conflict situations can say a lot about the background you have had as a child or the influence your parents and others have had on you.
Some of your reactions will be deeply ingrained, and you may find it enormously difficult to change the ways in which you approach conflict situations.
Fortunately, you can learn new ways of dealing with tricky situations like the one above—without making your partner feel hurt, or their needs unimportant.
#9. Anger – The Poison of a Partnership
Anger is an enormously difficult and destructive emotion.
It’s the emotion that people are scared most of. It’s also the emotion that people are least equipped to deal with, especially when it comes to anger in relationships and marriages.
Let me clarify: anger is okay. Never feel ashamed of feeling anger—anger produces negative consequences only if you deny it to yourself, hold onto it, or act upon it.
If you deny your own angry feelings, you will never develop the necessary skills to acknowledge those feelings, deal with them, and let them go.
#10. Learn to Let it Go
Sometimes you have to accept that there are things you cannot change.
You can invest a lot of emotional time and energy, and the result will be the same.
In situations like these, you will have to accept that if anything is going to change, it will have to be you and your attitudes.
We can make molehills into mountains—or shift our perspective and make those mountains look like molehills.
It’s entirely your choice meaning if your marriage is important you’ll try to control your emotions and let things go. If not these small little things will soon become the number one reason for your divorce.
There will be times in which the anger you have to deal with isn’t coming from you: it’s coming from someone else.
The worst thing you can do is let their anger make you angry.
Use the above coping strategies to keep yourself from responding in like kind, and use the following strategies to fend off the verbal blows that come your way in the form of personal attacks and criticism.
There are three ways you can respond to criticism and attacks, and each of them can have very different results.
Before you respond to any criticism, you need to think about the consequences. How you react will either feed their anger—or defuse it entirely.
In other words, criticism if not handled correctly can become the reason for divorce.
#12. Feeling Taken for Granted
Feeling underappreciated in a relationship is common for both men and women.
While women often feel as if they give more emotionally, by thinking of creative ways to express love or by keeping a welcoming home, men often feel as if the ways in which they give aren’t recognized by their wives.
Men tend to give by filling material needs, such as fixing broken appliances or changing the oil in the car without being asked.
They spend long hours at work to earn a certain standard of life and lifestyle from which their spouse benefits as well.
Understanding these gender differences makes it clear why feeling taken for granted may not necessarily mean that you’re being taken for granted.
A wife may feel taken for granted when her husband doesn’t take the time to listen to her or express his feelings for her verbally.
A husband may feel taken for granted when he works longer hours to bring home more money and comes home to his wife’s complaints that he doesn’t spend enough time with her.
He feels that he’s giving her everything he can by providing them with the money they need to live.
As a result, he may withdraw emotionally, making the wife feel even more taken for granted, and so create a vicious cycle.
#13. Workplace Issues
When work absorbs well over half of your waking hours every day, it’s natural that pressures generated at work can spill over into the home, and vice versa.
As a result, partners may try to minimize the crossover by keeping work at work … and home life in the home.
However, it doesn’t work that way. The workplace has a very real effect on your home life, and your home life influences your ability to be productive on the job.
A sound integration of work and home life is essential.
For example, you should know the people your spouse works with, be able to visit him or her on the job if necessary, and attend job-related social events wherever possible.
When your spouse keeps you in the dark about what he or she does every day and doesn’t share job accomplishments or tell you about interactions with co-workers that might be bothering him or her, your intimacy as a couple is compromised.
On the other hand, work is a professional environment, and not everything that goes on in your personal life should be shared outside it.
Talking about something as serious as a miscarriage to casual colleagues may feel inappropriate for your husband … and rightly so.
Work may be giving your husband an escape to avoid dealing with the problem, but that doesn’t mean he needs to take his problems to work.
What he needs to do is sit down with you and work through his emotions—and yours—together.
#14. Kill the TV.
One of the most destructive influences on communication in a family is the television.
In many families it is the center of the house and night after night the whole family may sit in front of it in total silence.
This lack of conversation and interaction between family members can lead to conflict when important issues are not discussed.
The first step you should take is to switch it off.
There should be a period of time each evening when you can all sit down as a family and talk about issues and each others’ days.
This could happen as you sit down at mealtimes.
Make the effort to sit down at the table as a family, rather than eating from your lap in front of the television.
It is perhaps a little unrealistic to turn off your TV for an extended length of time, but the effort should be made to spend more time talking and interacting with each other.
You will be surprised at the difference even an hour a night makes.
#15. No Family Time
In the midst of all of your difficulties you fail to make time for yourself and your kids.
Just because you or your partner are angry with each other doesn’t mean that you have to punish your children too.
As much as it may be an effort to put aside your differences, it is vital for the wellbeing of your child that they maintain a routine and are still able to do the things they like.
Trips to the park, popcorn and movies, sleepovers and trips to the mall should be maintained where possible.
It is vital that your child is not disadvantaged by your conflict or they will feel as though they are being punished.
Of course it will not always be possible to accommodate your child’s wants or needs in every situation, but you should try and strike a balance.
It is very easy to get caught up in your conflict and neglect the needs of your children.
The point of this exercise is to balance the needs of your relationship with the needs of your children.
Don’t Miss: 5 Tips To Deal With an Angry spouse.
#16. Alcohol, Drug and Gambling Dependency.
Addictions of any sort in a relationship can have an adverse effect on the stability of a marriage and create an overwhelming amount of stress to all members of the family, not just the victim.
In some respect, all people close to the person that has the addiction are victims.
The difficulty in having an addiction is that it is a very self-destructive phase for the individual as well as the people around them.
Addictions in most cases serve to avert emotional and at times physical pain by enabling the user to escape the reality of life, if only for a little while.
Addictions are more complex than many people are aware.
It is difficult for non-sufferers to fully understand the uncontrollable urges and cravings that the body and mind go through.
For many, the emotional and physical cravings are chronic and at times painful.
#17. Steps For Effective Treatment of Any Addictions Before It Becomes The Top Reason For Divorce.
The first step in dealing with addictions is to recognize it as an addiction.
For many couples there is the thought that it can’t be happening to them and there is the tendency to downplay the whole problem and not talk about it.
That is perhaps the worst approach you can take if you are serious about solving this problem.
The first place you should look for evidence of an addiction is your bank account statements.
Addictions cost money to maintain. Any discrepancies in your spending patterns as a couple should be queried.
You can either identify the places where the money was spent by reading the statements, or look for cash withdrawals. Any discrepancy should be queried.
The second ingredient in maintaining an addiction is time.
If your partner is spending large amounts of time away or can’t account for their whereabouts then you have a reason to be worried.
If you are still not sure of conclusive proof you may need to look through items of clothing, cars and wallets.
You needn’t feel guilty at doing this, as long as your motivations are pure.
If your partner really has an addiction you need to do everything in your power to help them overcome this.
The key here is to not get angry. As tempting as this is to do, you need to consider what motivated your partner to undertake this type of behavior.
Like I have mentioned above, an addiction is often an escape from a larger emotional or physical issue.
Your partner needs your help and support at this time more than they need your anger.
Accept the fact that if you are dealing with an addiction that it is a problem that is bigger than you are equipped to deal with.
You should seek the help of support groups and trained counselors and rehabilitation experts.
Access to these is available if you contact your local doctor or community advice center.
Depression is a condition that can have an adverse effect on an individual, and if that individual is married, the effect of depression is much more widespread.
Depression can work itself into the behaviors, moods, attitudes, and even lifestyle around the home.
There can often be so much attention on the depression of the sufferer that the spouse can often get overlooked.
Depression is something that has an adverse effect on the spouse too, and in many cases can prove too much and cost couples their marriage.
It doesn’t have to be this way. The first step to dealing with depression is recognizing the symptoms. These may include:
Trouble sleeping, or the need to sleep too much.
Reduction in appetite, accompanied by weight loss. Possible increase in appetite and rapid weight gain.
Restlessness or irritability
Persistent sad or empty moods
Lethargy or apathy
Loss of sexual interest
Feelings of guilt or hopelessness
In recognizing the symptoms of depression you need to realize that your partner having depression is not your fault.
Your partner needs all the love and support at this time, and it will at times be really hard to stay focused.
But you need to keep in the back of your mind at all times that the depression is your spouse’s condition, not yours.
However, being exposed to this condition constantly, it will feel a little overwhelming.
The role of the supportive husband or wife can be stressful enough at times without the added pressures that depression can bring.
Spouses of depression sufferers have often felt that they have to take on twice the workload to cope with the physical and emotional fallout from the spouse’s depression.
Some wives have likened it to being like a single parent while still being married. Often the sufferers of depression can lash out and hurt those they are closest to.
This is a time when you need to remember that it is the depression talking, not the spouse.
It is a time when you are required to have enormous patience and understanding whilst not letting the sufferer get away with too much.
It’s certainly something that requires counseling once it has been identified. It might even be beneficial for you to get some counseling too.
#19. When You Allow Boredom To Creep in
Sometimes, the grind of everyday life can cause couples to momentarily lose sight of what brought them together in the first place.
No one is free from the endless list of duties and obligations that a marriage has, such as bills and household chores (hopefully of which you are sharing equally).
So, it's in your best interests to keep the “spark” burning as often as possible. Remember, we're in “preventive mode” here.
The following suggestions are meant to preserve the quality of your marriage to keep it from straying into the danger zone.
Keeping things on the up-and-up takes a preemptive approach.
For instance, you need to plan your weeks and days to allow you and your spouse to enjoy each other's company in a relaxed setting.
Many couples spend too much time with the everyday, routine aspects of a relationship and forget to enjoy their marriage in the process.
Therefore, every marriage should have time set aside for simple activities. This part is entirely up you, since everyone has a unique schedule. You could see a movie, have a nice dinner or any other pleasurable engagement.
#20. Lack of Sex and Intimacy
Let me share with you a question from one of my email subscriber.
My husband and I never seem to touch each other anymore unless we’re having sex.
Sometimes, I could just use a hug or a cuddle, but it’s hard to even get him to make eye contact with me, especially once he’s got himself in front of the television.
Then, if I just want a cuddle, he expects it to lead to sex and feels rejected when I don’t want to.
We used to spend hours just kissing. What happened? What can I do to get that old connection back?
Janet from Mexico
Sex and intimacy are some of the most difficult issues to address in a marriage, because many couples feel uncomfortable discussing them.
If you and your spouse can learn to communicate about your intimacy needs in ways that affirm and accept, you can open yourselves to discovering more creative and satisfying ways of connecting … both physically and emotionally.
After all, a committed sex life is one of the best aspects about being married.
#21. Infidelity and Trust
Again a Question from one of my readers.
When my wife Nina and I got married, I thought it would be forever. I know the deal with what the experts say about the high risk of marriage failure, but my wife and I thought we were different.
We had known each other since we were teenagers and she was always hanging around me.
So we knew each other really well before I finally asked her to marry me. We have been married for 7 years now and have a four year old daughter.
Life for me couldn’t have been any better. Recently I came across some information from a close friend and after confronting my wife I discovered that she has been having an affair for the past 2 years.
Needless to say I was devastated, and for the last few days I have been in a haze.
I can’t think straight. My wife has ended the affair and has offered to go to counseling.
She is begging me not to leave her. To be honest, I don’t know what to do.
We have a 4 year old daughter together and I don’t want to leave her or lose contact with her.
But at the same time I feel so betrayed, and I don’t know how to deal with that. I look at her and I don’t know what to say. What should I do?
Jerry from Portland
Well the first advice I would give here is don’t make any rash decisions as it will only lead to divorce and failure of your marital life.
Finding out that your husband or wife has been unfaithful can be one of the most devastating revelations that someone in a marriage can go through.
It is the single moment in time that your whole life and your future happiness is thrown into jeopardy.
After learning of a partner’s infidelity, your life will never be the same.
Of course you will feel anger and disbelief, but later that will turn to despair and hurt.
There is a whole raft of feelings that you will go through in your reaction to this type of betrayal.
Perhaps one of the hardest things to come to terms with is the breach of trust and the feeling of being cheated.
Without trust in a relationship you are unable to work as a team or think of your partner as reliable and committed.
It becomes a union of two individuals rather than a joining of two souls working together as a team.
A lack of trust leads to a reduction in communication and sharing of dreams and aspirations.
People that find themselves victims of cheating partners wonder how they will ever be able to trust their partner or indeed anyone ever again.
It is this inability to trust that leads many people to finish their relationships.
This is a very difficult decision to come to and I am not going to tell you what decision to come to here.
Your feelings are your own and if you feel that you have tried your best and that you still have no trust then perhaps it is better for the both of you that you go your separate ways.
But the decision about how to react to infidelity is never an easy or a straight forward one.
There are often so many factors and consequences influencing your decision that you can barely think straight.
The key is to take your time. How you react to your partner’s infidelity is going to influence the rest of your life.
It is about much more than your desire to punish your partner or get revenge.
As legitimate as these feelings are, once the intensity of those feelings dies down you will be left with regret.
Your first priority is to regain control of your feelings.
You need to find appropriate ways of dealing with your anger and hurt before you sit down with your partner and discuss your future.
Your hurt and anger will be far from gone, but you may be able to sit down in front of your partner and get some answers.
To be honest. I can go on and on but I can only cover this much in this article. I hope you loved reading this article on top reasons for divorce and if you want more insights on how to save your marriage from divorce, I would love to recommend you a powerful program that will not only help you to save your marriage but also take your married life to the highest levels of success.
If you’re still me. I urge you to watch this powerful video presentation and take action if your married life really matters to you.