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Find Out How Men Think: How To Talk To Him About Commitment, Closeness, And Your Future together?
“Where is this going? Are you dating other women? Do we have a future together? Are we ever going to get married? When will I meet your parents? How soon do you want children?”
Before you try to get your partner to stop backing off, stop backing away, and commit to you, you need to understand one thing: How men think?
Men think very differently about commitment than women do!
The sad truth is, most men are “trained” from early childhood to believe that when a woman starts talking about “commitment”, what she’s really talking about is proposal and a ring.
Think about it: they see television shows and movie scenes about weddings where a heaving scrum of women fight viciously to catch the bouquet.
They hear their female friends and sisters obsessing about finding the perfect dress, napkins that match the bridesmaid dresses, and what flavor the wedding cake should be … before they’ve even had a proposal.
They see their baby nieces playing with “Wedding Barbie”, lovingly dressing her over and over again in the big white dress and tiara.
They’ve been trained to believe that women are OBSESSED with marriage!
And who can blame them? And I believe that’s not the key
So remember: your guy doesn’t necessarily know what you really mean when you want to talk about commitment.
He literally doesn’t know what you mean by that word!
You and I both know that “commitment” could mean any number of things, from “I just want to make sure you’re not sleeping with other women” to “I’m totally crazy about you” but he doesn’t know that!
“We’re a lot more sensitive than you think. Talk to us about your problems, concerns and fears when they arise, not when they’ve built up into something much bigger and then explode.”
– Jake, 31
As far as he knows, until you communicate otherwise, when you make noises about the future or ask him where he thinks this might be going, you’re actually trying to lock him down into getting down on one knee right there and then!
Of course, CONSCIOUSLY he knows that’s not true but emotionally, his alarm-bells are ringing and triggering that deep, instinctive urge to back off before anybody gets hurt.
So you have to make it CLEAR to him what you mean when you talk about the future, commitment, or “where things are going”. If you want to have a long-lasting relationship.
Because, when YOU know what you need in order to be happy, so does he – and he doesn’t have to deal with a lurking, shadowy, unspoken fear of commitment that you might be trying to “lock him down” so you can dress him up in a powder-blue morning suit and get his gawky adolescent nephew to slip a garter around your thigh.
That way, instead of hinting vaguely about the future (and freaking the poor lad right out), you can use your SMART goals and actually get what you want … without ruffling any feathers.
Remember, one of the most important things you can do in ANY relationship with a man is to make him feel like he could be the one to make you happy.
Because he WANTS to make you happy. He wants to be “that guy”.
But if you aren’t clear about what you really need, exactly, in order to be happy, then you run the definite risk of triggering his “marriage fear” and making him think you’re asking for a proposal ahead of schedule!
“Please, please, please … don’t try to rush us into anything. We don’t fall in love because you talk about it a lot or try to make us marry you. We’ll do it, sure … but when WE’RE ready. Use a light touch!”
– Robin, 32, on marriage and girlfriends
Don’t Miss: 5 Stages of Commitment in a Relationship-From “Hello” to HIS “Soulmate”
(Of course, you still have to make sure you’ve done your homework … that is to say, you practice good communication habits throughout your entire relationship.
This isn’t something you can just turn on and off like a switch when you want more from him. I’ll talk more about healthy communication, and how to use it to get closer to him, later in this article.)
So what does all this mean in practical terms?
Well, for example, instead of saying, “I want you to spend more time with me! ”you could say something like,
“You’re so great to hang out with – I’d really love for us to be able to spend 2 or 3 nights together a week on a regular basis.”
Remember: he’s a guy. He wants to feel like he’s winning. And for a guy to feel like he’s winning, he needs to feel like he’s making you supremely happy.
When he knows what you want (and when it’s clear that what you want isn’t six matching bridesmaids and a troupe of groomsmen all trussed up in matching tuxedos) and he can actually give you what you want, then everybody’s happy: you AND him.
Give him a chance to win!
Have you wondered a few times throughout your relationship if he’s really and truly committed to you?
Has he shown a pulling away pattern that you’re sick and tired of?
Ready for some questions that will steer him in to commitment land?
If so, my bonding questions are just what you need to understand what men think.
Here’s how it works: pick any question from the list below, and you’ll have the ability to stop him in his tracks (even if he’s had a wandering eye in the recent past, or has been unwilling to take your relationship to the next level).
If you were the puppet in your relationship, now consider yourself the puppeteer.
These bonding questions work instantly to make him see in you what he was previously unable to see and feel for you, what he didn’t used to feel.
Ease into this question by first talking (not at great lengths, because you don’t want to lose his attention) about your childhood.
In particular talk about someone in your life who became a mentor. It could be a teacher, an aunt or uncle, a coach—and how that person made such a difference for you.
Then turn it around, “Did you have someone growing up that did the same for you?”
He may need to think for a minute, or he might know right away.
Continue to ask him another question such as, “Do you still keep in contact with them? They sounded like such a pivotal person in your life at one point.”
“When you were younger, a child, watching sports, cartoons, etc…who was your hero? Was it the Flash or Muhammad Ali, etc.?”
As he begins to tell you, nod. Smile. Enjoy the process of learning about him – because believe me, he’s not been asked can-opener questions like this before.
As you grew up, became older and turned from boy into a man, who taught you (or where did you learn) what a man was?
How to act? How to treat women? I’m just curious because you are so amazing with me…”
A little bit of a heavy question, combined with a little stroke to the ego can help encourage him to answer it willingly and with thoughtfulness which will allow him to open himself up to you as he’s never done with another woman.
“It’s seems so easy for you to take over when I get stressed. How did you learn how to do that?”
This is a FANTASTIC question to ask a man and understand how men.
Whether you’ve been dating for a few months or ten years, asking him a question where you’re playing into his strengths (in this case you’re telling him he’s strong, capable and a provider) which boost his confidence and allows him to feel respected by you which you know by now, is the ‘love’ language for men.
If he feels respected and appreciated by you, he’ll willingly become motivated to open himself up and draw himself into you.
He’ll also share something with you he may have not shared with another woman before an aspect of his childhood where he perhaps started to learn how to care for women (if he was raised by a single mom, for example.)
Or, maybe he learned how to care for others by his hardworking dad, or by making his own way as he grew up, and discovered what he was really good at (reading other people’s emotions, being responsible with money, etc.)
Regardless, any question along the lines of, “You’re so good at (taking over when I’m stressed, handling the finances, making arrangements for a romantic night away, knowing how to fix the leaky faucet, etc.) will make him feel masculine, and will help you learn about the man you love.
And, when THAT happens, you can pretty much guarantee you’ll have a man who will never want to withdraw from you.
“Can you explain how this works? You know I’m not very tech-y, and you’re so good at all of this stuff.”
Ok, men need to feel useful, productive and as though their role within the relationship is validated.
By asking him how something works (this could be downloading something onto your computer, or how to change a tire), you’re allowing him to fulfill a much needed alpha role—that he craves.
Being the alpha—that strong, mighty, protector who “can handle anything, especially when it comes to my woman,” is something that he needs to feel.
Unfortunately, too many women accidentally emasculate men by never giving them the opportunity to take care of things, handle what needs to be handled which leads to a man’s identify being stomped on.
Most women don’t mean to do this, but by the time they realize it, the damage has been done and often the man has pulled away so much he’s in his next relationship.
A simple question like, “Can you explain to me how you did this?
You’re so good at it, and you know this isn’t my strong suit…” is such a SIMPLE way to show the man in your life how incredibly smart, strong and amazing he is not to mention someone you totally, completely desire.
“Can you reach that jar up on the top shelf for me?” When he does, stroke his strong arm just for a second. Tell him how strong he is. Want to make him follow you around like a puppy?
Follow it up with, “Babe, working out all those early morning the past few weeks has really paid off. I can tell.”
‘Can I have your advice on something real quick?” This could be the single, most important question you’ll ever ask him, and for two reasons.
Number one: you’re telling him indirectly that above everyone else, you value his opinion the most.
Number two: you respect and admire him—which for men, translates to love.
Even for a man that chronically pulls away…this is the ONE question that powerfully enables him to eradicate his tendency to be commitment-phobic, and turn into a crazy commitment happy man FOR you and only you.
So, remember this one and ask it freely: “Can I have your advice about something?”
It could be the only question to change everything in your relationship and also help you understand how guys think.
I believe you loved reading this article on how men think. Now before I stop I urge you to Watch This Amazing Video Below To Make Any Man Obsessed with You.
My name is Manish Yadav and I’m the owner of the blog "Love Finds its Way". My advice does away with the manipulations and mind games recommended by magazines and the surface level advice of TV gurus… We’ll dive DEEP into the psychology and biology of desire and give you actionable steps you can use today. Over 900,000 men & women have transformed their relationships as a result, and I've been featured in Lifehack, Return of Kings, Menimprovement, Urban Dater, and so on... ...and no... We're not here to play games so you can manipulate your significant other... ...My only intention is to help you and your partner have a healthy and loving relationship by working on your intimacy with each other. And we’re just getting started!