This is a very important question that I received from one of my readers ….how to get a man to settle down.
Her name is Marie. She says..I don’t understand how to get a man to settle down? And Why does everybody always say that men aren’t into commitment?
Some people say that if a man’s not willing to commit, he’s ‘just not that into you’ … but I disagree.
I have personally dated several different men who were all WILDLY into me;
I could tell from the way they acted, the things they said, and just how they were around me.
But not one of them ended up making a commitment to me.
So I know it’s not because they ‘weren’t into me’, because otherwise why would they have enjoyed themselves so much with me, and spent so much time with me (one of them, upwards of six months)?
If it wasn’t that they ‘weren’t that into me’ … and if they really enjoyed my company (as they all said they did), why didn’t they want to commit? - Marie (Ontario)
My reply Hi Marie,
First of all: I need to clarify something here.
I think you may be misunderstanding what it means when ‘he’s just not that into you.’ (I assume you’re referring to the best-selling book by that title?)
It seems to me that you think this phrase means that he ‘doesn’t enjoy your company all that much’ … kind of like one of those situations where a guy might be spending time with you, but he’s being crabby, grumpy, or ‘difficult’.
But in point of fact, this is NOT what ‘he’s just not that into you’ means.
If a guy isn’t that ‘into you’, he can still REALLY, REALLY enjoy your company.
The two of you can have an absolute blast together.
The sex can be amazing, you can really forge a strong connection, and you can feel like the two of you have a GREAT thing going on.
The ‘just not that into you’ part doesn’t refer to how much he enjoys himself when he’s with you.
It refers to the fact that, REGARDLESS of how much he likes you, he still doesn’t see himself forming a ‘committed relationship’ with you.
This could be for any number of reasons (which I’ll go into in a moment), but for now, I want you to understand something: that, even though you and the men you mentioned may have had a FABULOUS and INCREDIBLY SPECIAL time together, the very fact that – as you say – they weren’t interested in forming a ‘future’ together proves that they ‘just weren’t that into you’.
See what I’m saying here?
It’s the lack of desire for a ‘future’, and the lack of desire to form a COMMITMENT, that forms the basis of ‘not being that into someone’. It’s nothing to do with how much FUN is had or how much of a ‘connection’ there is.
I know this can be confusing … but bear with me here. It will become clearer in just a moment.
There are a whole bunch of reasons why guys don’t want to commit to a woman whose company they otherwise absolutely love.
And to be perfectly honest with you, MOST of these reasons have NOTHING TO DO with the woman herself … how ‘attractive’ she is … or how much of a ‘connection’ the two people have.
Let me tell you a little story here.
When I was in college, I met a BEAUTIFUL woman. The two of us had an incredibly passionate relationship.
We rapidly became extremely close: we shared a lot of secrets with each other, we spent a lot of time together, and things were, well, pretty red-hot.
Of course, we never had a talk about ‘where things were going’, or how we felt about each other … but I was OK with that, because I thought I already knew where things were headed.
I thought it was OBVIOUS. I mean, come on: we practically lived together, we spent just about every night together, we got on REALLY well and we had a LOT of fun together.
We didn’t NEED to figure out where things were headed or so I thought.
I bet you know how this story ends …for some reason I was not ready to settle down with this girl.. I don’t know why.
One day, after about three or four months, our relationship ended. All of the sudden we lost touch. We barely talked on the phone.
Finally, she turned up at my house, desperate to know what was going on and of course, there I was with another woman.
I know I was wrong and I was dating other women all along. Whatever all I know is I just didn’t wanted to settle down with her.
Everything else – the future I thought we had, the ‘deep connection’ I thought we enjoyed – was nothing but a CONSTRUCT of MY OWN IMAGINATION.
And, since I’d let these imaginings persist for such a long time, they’d pretty much become BELIEFS to the point where I genuinely felt that it was unnecessary to clarify them with this woman or to make sure that she felt the same way.
So the bottom line is even though we HAD had a great relationship (at least, at the time it felt pretty great), I found out afterwards that I never had any intentions of ‘settling down with her’ or ‘becoming exclusive’ AT ALL.
So here’s the ‘moral of the story’: for most men, ‘commitment’ has NOTHING to do with the woman he’s dating … and EVERYTHING to do with the ‘identity’ that the guy has constructed for himself.
Think of it like a ‘timing’ issue. If a guy is at a stage in his life where he identifies most strongly with the image of himself as a ‘good-time guy’ who’s living the high life, having fun, and getting out and about in the world, then THAT IMAGE is what dictates his reaction to the women that come into his life.
Not the women themselves. It’s the IMAGE and the IDENTITY that he has for himself that motivates him to act the way he does.
It’s an interesting concept … and I know it’s probably a bit confusing at the moment.
So I’ll explain a bit further.
For MOST GUYS – we’re talking 99.9% of them – ‘commitment’ is a TIME-BASED ISSUE.
It’s NOT a woman-based issue.
In other words, it doesn’t matter how beautiful, accomplished, funny, intelligent, successful, or amazing the woman he’s dating is because if he’s in the ‘dating and having fun’ mindset, NOTHING is going to change his mind and he will have NO interest in ‘settling down’ and becoming committed.
Don’t take this personally. You are right when you say that guys can still have FANTASTIC ‘relationships’ with women during these times it can still feel like there’s a major connection going on.
And it’s EASY for a woman to assume that he’s feeling the same way that she does, and that there’s a ‘future’ in the cards.
But unless you KNOW this, and unless he’s TALKED ABOUT IT SPONTANEOUSLY (i.e., without any prodding or nagging), then you can’t assume anything.
And in fact, if you’ve been dating a guy for a while, or have been spending more than two nights per week with him, and he HASN’T mentioned anything future-related.
And he seems more interested in keeping things ‘casual’ and ‘low-key’ and he never asks you what your plans are for the future or tries to get to know you in a ‘deeper’ and more ‘emotional’ way then you should assume that he is.
NOT interested in creating a commitment or a solid future with you.
Don’t take this personally. It’s just the way that many guys think about relationships and dating.
It’s not a reflection on you as a woman; it doesn’t mean that you ‘weren’t enough’ to catch his eye or make him want to settle down.
Remember, it DOESN’T MATTER how wonderful or beautiful or smart you are.
If he’s got the identity of ‘dating around’ in his head, and he’s not yet at the stage where he wants a commitment, then NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE HIS MIND.
Nothing you say will make any difference. You cannot ‘convince’ him to feel differently.
And there is very little use in hanging around, hoping he’ll ‘come around’ of his own volition … because that’s just not how it works.
He’ll be more likely to break it off with you when he feels like ‘settling down’, and find someone ELSE because, to him, you are ‘not the one’ since you’re from that time in his life when NOBODY was ‘the one’.
I know. It sounds crazy. But it’s just the way things are.
So, Marie: the fact that these guys all had a fantastic time with you is actually beside the point.
As you now know, it’s possible for a guy to have a GREAT time with a woman and be intensely attracted to her and seem to have a real ‘connection’ with her but NOT feel ANY desire to forge a COMMITMENT with her.
And that’s actually nothing to do with you.
It’s all to do with HIM, and where he’s at in his life right now, and the image that he has of himself and his lifestyle inside his own head.
It sounds to me like the guys you were dating were just not at the stage in life where they wanted to make a commitment to ANYONE, no matter HOW great.
So please: don’t take it personally. And don’t get put off dating, either.
So, how to get a man to settle down?
What I suggest for the future is that you figure out what you want from a relationship and a man, and keep that image very clearly inside your head.
Make it vivid and decide definitely on what it is that you’re looking for.
Then, when you’re dating a guy, start paying attention to how he acts around you.
Don’t nag, and don’t ask questions like, ‘Where is this going?’ … instead, be your normal glorious laid-back self and give him the space to be the man that he is, and pay attention to ‘who he is’ around you.
Does he ask about how you feel? Does he take care of you?
Does he make sure you’re happy? Does he make an effort to get to know the real you?
These are all the things that will tell you, WITHOUT pressuring him or trying to ‘convince’ him to get into a ‘committed relationship’ with you, what it is that he’s interested in.
Be smart, also. Many men will assume that, if you haven’t had the conversation about ‘exclusivity’ or ‘seeing other people’, that it is OK for them to do so.
They may also assume that you are seeing other guys.
Don’t make the mistake of assuming that what YOU are feeling is the same thing that HE is feeling.
You need to clarify these things for yourself but of course, it’s important to do so in a way that doesn’t make you seem NEEDY, CLINGY, or as if you’re putting PRESSURE on him.
Clearly, this is a massive subject and it’s something I could write an entire book about!
But, if you’d like to get the answers NOW, and you want a ‘cheat sheet’, check out this foundational ‘comprehensive course’ for women – it covers the gamut of attraction, relationship, and dating situations for women.
You can find it right below.
And the best of luck with your future dates, Marie!
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