It’s sad: being nice doesn’t get you anywhere in life. That’s the reason you need to be a bad girl.
In fact, most men love bad girls.
The other day, one of my friend told me about a girl he once dated. She was super-nice. She was polite to everyone she met, and she always had time to talk to a store clerk or bus driver.
She was happy to do things for other people and enjoyed her volunteer work.
She was the kind of girl whom you’d think men would fall over backwards to date.
Except no one wanted to date her.
Strangely enough, men felt that she came across as “scary.” She was too nice.
Modern man prefer bad girls as being bad makes you sexually attractive to a man.
In her case, it was almost as if she sacrificed herself for others so often that there was nothing left of her.
She intimidated men with her sheer saintliness.
“Why date a woman with no flaws?” my friend said, explaining why he hadn’t pursued the relationship. “Flaws make people interesting.”
Flaws make a person interesting?
But don’t flaws make a person, well, flawed?
I set off to find the answer to this dilemma. Do nice girls turn guys off?
Why Nice Girls Don’t Win & bad Girls Do #1: Boundaries Earn Respect
Men don’t respect a woman who lets him walk all over her.
That’s the message from Sherry Argov’s book, Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dream girl.
Argov’s philosophy is that too many of us are doormats in relationships.
You drop everything for the man in your lives, you make yourselves available to him 24-7, and you let inconsiderate behavior slide in your misguided attempt to make him love you.
If you try to be the perfect mate who never calls her partner out on his bad behavior, cleans up after him, and never says a cross word, you’ll get the exact opposite results to what you expect.
Instead of appreciating you, your partner will start to take your selfless behavior for granted.
He’ll start testing the boundaries of how badly he can treat you and still be forgiven.
Eventually, the game will bore him, and he’ll dump you. Was that really what you wanted to happen?
Guys don’t want women they can walk all over. They want bad girls with some mystery.
They don’t want women who do nice things for them all the time.
Rather, they want women who challenge them … women who won’t put up with their crap.
You’re not a challenge if you’re a nice girl.
Nice girls believe that their main purpose is to please others, and they spend so much energy trying to please everyone else that they lose their ability to stand up for themselves.
Trying to please everyone is not only stressful for you, but it’s also uncomfortable for him.
He feels like you’re his servant, not his equal.
A good man will start to feel like he has to repay you for everything you’ve done for him.
The problem is that it’s impossible to repay you for everything you give to other people, because no one can play the role of saint better than you.
So stop working so hard at relationships and put your foot down. Decide which behaviors you’re going to tolerate and which you’re not.
Don’t be so quick to understand and forgive him.
He needs to know that there are consequences to treating you badly and taking you for granted.
This applies to dating etiquette as well. Don’t drop everything if he asks you out on a date.
If you have a prior commitment, honor it and tell him that you’re not available at this time, but you’d love to go out with him again when you’re free.
If he calls and leaves a message or a text, get back to him when it’s convenient for you; don’t drop everything just to huddle over the phone so that you can show him that you’re thinking about him, too.
Sex is another area where nice girls need to enforce boundaries.
It’s strange to write “nice girls” and “promiscuous” in the same sentence, but there are a lot of nice girls who give it up too easily because they want to please the man.
Of course men want sex! But giving him all the sex he wants, when and where he wants it, is basically resigning yourself to the role of his mistress.
Letting him have sex with you won’t make him fall in love with you any faster; rather, it may actually have the opposite effect.
If you’re always available to fulfill his sexual needs, he may start to see you as a handy bed buddy rather than potential girlfriend material.
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Why Nice Girls Don’t Win & Bad Girls Do #2: Complexity Makes Us Interesting
Don’t ever apologize for who you are.
Far too many women – you know who you are – get into a relationship, and the very first thing they do is apologize for all their flaws. “I’m sorry” becomes their default response.
“I’m sorry you’re not happy.” “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you.” “I’m sorry you had a hard day at work.” “I’m sorry I’m not a better partner.” “I’m sorry I’m not prettier.”
We all have our flaws, and anyone we date has to either come to terms with those flaws or exit the relationship.
Some guys won’t like your particular flaws, and they may not stay with you as a result of them.
That’s okay! The RIGHT guy won’t mind if you’re imperfect.
In fact, he won’t really see your “imperfections” as such; they’ll just be part of the whole, appealing package that’s you.
You see, most guys don’t want the “nice girl” or the “bad girl.” Most guys want both.
They want the good girl they can take home to meet the parents and the bad girl who’s wild and uninhibited in the bedroom.
They want the good girl who’s climbing the career ladder and the bad girl who doesn’t mind drinking and smoking on occasion.
They want the nice girl their friends will love and the bad girl who refuses to put up with their crap.
So stop worrying that your flaws are going to turn off men. They’re not.
Flaws are only a big deal if you make them a big deal.
One way to make them a big deal is to pretend that you don’t have any.
Then, when he finds out that you’re actually not the perfect person you presented yourself as, he’s going to feel deceived –NOT a good way to start off a relationship!
So stop trying to hide or suppress parts of yourself in an attempt to keep him from finding out that you’re not “perfect.”
If you’re open and honest about your weaknesses, without apologizing for them, chances are he’ll accept who you are without question.
Also, being up front about your flaws will give him permission to be up front about his flaws, too.
Because he is flawed. No matter how perfect he seems now, there will be things you don’t like about him as time goes on.
And, no doubt, you’ll continue to love him, despite what you’ve found out about him.
So think about it: if you can keep on loving him, imperfections and all, then why can’t he love you with all your imperfections?
Unconditional love isn’t picky.
When you love someone unconditionally, you accept that there are going to be times when you annoy each other, when you feel disappointed in each other, and when you wish you could change something about the other person.
But you also know that those feelings will pass. Your love is too strong to let little things budge it.
And that, ultimately, is the kind of love you deserve from a partner.
If little things about you annoy the particular guy you’re dating, then clearly he is not the right partner for you.
Don’t try to change yourself into the person he wants; rather, tell him sayonara and move on with your life!
Why Nice Girls Don’t Win & Bad girls Do #3: Being Bad is Sexy
Ask yourself the question: who would your guy rather date, Mother Teresa or Paris Hilton? Be honest about your answer.
He’d rather date Paris Hilton, wouldn’t he?
As much as we may admire saints, none of us would want to live with one.
Living with someone like Mother Teresa or Nelson Mandela would make anyone feel inadequate!
It’s hard to see yourself hanging out and having fun with someone who has a halo on their head.
Saintly people may change the world, but it’s the morally questionable sorts like P. Diddy who throw the most awesome parties.
Frankly put, being bad is sexy. Bad girls don’t have any inhibitions, and they’re up for anything.
They don’t make you feel guilty for drinking or smoking or having a good time; usually, they’re in the thick of it themselves!
Guys feel like they can “let down their hair” when they’re with bad girls.
They don’t have to keep a tight rein on their behavior to avoid shocking or offending her.
They can let their wild side show without fear of being made to feel guilty.
Good girls, on the other hand, make guys feel like they have to behave themselves.
If you’re the sort of girl who reminds her man to wear a coat and feeds him healthy foods with a vitamin laid alongside his orange juice each morning, then you’re going to remind him of his mother.
Trust me: he does not want to sleep with his mother.
Most men have a gut aversion to girls who are too virtuous.
Virtue makes sin seem all the blacker by comparison, and most of the fun things in life – sex, overindulging, partying – fall on the side of sin.
Most guys don’t want to live a virtuous life; they’d rather follow the advice of Mavis Leyrer:
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely, in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy s***, what a ride!’”
So ask yourself: are you guilty of living life too cautiously?
Do you try to do the “right thing” ALL the time?
Do you hold back from taking risks? Do you feel unable to let go? Do you often feel guilty or ashamed or that you don’t measure up?
If so, then a touch of the “bad girl” may be just what the doctor ordered.
Try taking some risks that you wouldn’t normally take.
Speak up when you’d normally stay quiet.
Agree to something you’re not sure about. Make a fool out of yourself. Offend someone!
Live life a little more dangerously.
Maybe for you that means not brushing your teeth before bed one night, or staying out later than you’d normally stay out, or choosing a different ice cream flavor, or agreeing to a date with a strange guy.
Whatever it is, try to break the habits that have locked you into the same routine all your life.
Prove to yourself that you don’t always have to do the same thing; you have a choice as to how you’re going to live your life.
Most guys think nice girls are bland while bad girls are exciting.
If truth be told, they’re usually right. Bad girls have a sense of self-confidence that allows them to go for what they want and to heck with the consequences!
Nice girls, on the other hand, often hold back and censor themselves because they’re worried about the impact their behavior will have on others.
Although the sentiment is applaudable, the effects are not.
When what you say and do is governed by fear – fear that you’ll offend someone or do something wrong – all the life gets sucked out of your personality.
You become a timid person, always hesitating before you speak or act, always seeking external approval before you do anything.
Take a pointer from the bad girl and stop caring so much about what others think.
Being inconsiderate or unhealthy or impulsive every so often won’t wreck your reputation. It will probably make people admire you more!
Nice Girls CAN Get the Guy
Let me be clear on one point: there’s nothing wrong with being nice. The world would be a better place if more of us were nice to one another.
But there is something wrong with being a doormat and a people-pleaser. There is something wrong when the way you feel about yourself is determined by people’s responses to you.
Ultimately, it all comes down to freedom: freeing yourself to really, truly be yourself.
If you don’t feel free to say what you really think or do what you really want, then you’re restricting yourself unnecessarily.
The world won’t fall apart if you do something “bad.”
Obviously, illegal activities like stealing are off-limits, but things like following your gut instincts (even if there’s no rhyme or reason to it) or expressing what you really feel (even if it might come across as offensive) are perfectly acceptable.
If you’re already a nice person, then growing a bit of backbone might just turn you into the ideal mate for the man of your dreams.
You’re already halfway there! You’re a good person who knows how to love and care for another human being.
All you need to do now is let go of the fears that are preventing you from living life to the fullest.
You CAN do it! You’re never too old to start sticking up for yourself.
Stop settling for relationships that feel one-sided and start demanding higher standards.
You may scare off a few men along the way, but the right ones – the ones who want a strong woman rather than a doormat – will see their dream girl in you.
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My name is Manish Yadav and I’m the owner of the blog "Love Finds its Way". My advice does away with the manipulations and mind games recommended by magazines and the surface level advice of TV gurus… We’ll dive DEEP into the psychology and biology of desire and give you actionable steps you can use today. Over 900,000 men & women have transformed their relationships as a result, and I've been featured in Lifehack, Return of Kings, Menimprovement, Urban Dater, and so on......and no... We're not here to play games so you can manipulate your significant other......My only intention is to help you and your partner have a healthy and loving relationship by working on your intimacy with each other.And we’re just getting started!
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