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Do you know why men pull away after getting close? Anyways before that you need to know HOW attraction works if you want to figure out the correct answer to this question.
And once again, I’m drawn back to the fact that MEN AND WOMEN ARE MORE ALIKE THAN YOU PROBABLY THINK.
In other words if you want to know ‘what men really think’ about certain behaviors like PURSUING them, all you have to do is turn the situation on its head and think about how YOU would feel if the situation were reversed.
Let me tell you a little something from my past to explain where I’m coming from.
When I was about 17, I met a girl that I REALLY liked. She was exactly my type: slim, fair, with a wide cheeky grin … and she had a refreshingly sarcastic intelligence that really turned me on.
And let me just explain that this was RARE for me. I was used to having women chase me – I was NOT used to being the ‘more vulnerable’ one.
We hung out two weekends in a row and everything was great. Or at least, I thought it was.
I’d put a lot of effort in. I’d brought her flowers, taken her out for dinner, and kissed her on the cheek instead of ‘going in for the kill’.
I thought she’d be CRAZY about me and then the next day, she didn’t call.
I called her no answer, and no call-back either.
This upset me.
I wanted to see her. I wanted to know what she was doing. I wanted to invite her to come round to my place so we could watch movies and cuddle on the couch.
But she wasn’t picking up the phone.
So I kept ringing.
This is embarrassing for me, so I’ll say it quickly.
Each time, I let it ring about 20 times before hanging up. Then, half an hour later or so, I’d call back.
Except for when I was out with my friends (talking about her and how much I liked her), I was ringing her on the phone and getting no answer.
You have to understand: I was totally smitten. I really liked this girl.
And I sort of assumed that she’d know how ‘lucky’ she was to have captured my eye in this way – since I’d always been pretty popular with the ladies, and was more used to having women chase me than the other way round.
I think this blinded me to the fact that, technically, I was actually STALKING HER, so enthusiastic was my pursuit.
I thought that if I TRIED HARD ENOUGH, and just CONVINCED HER HOW I FELT, that she’d see the light and understand how ‘lucky’ she was to have someone like me who cared about her so much.
It was four or five days until I finally got in touch with her – four or five long, AGONIZING days of wondering what was going on in her head.
(Although, in hindsight, it was actually PERFECTLY OBVIOUS what was happening.)
When I spoke to her, her voice was small and distant. Toneless, even. Evidently, that spark was GONE … at least, from her perspective. From mine, it had never burned bigger or brighter.
I freaked out. I got desperate. I BEGGED her to reconsider.
But no go. She told me it was ‘over’ and that she didn’t think we should hang out any more.
I was heartbroken. I sent her cards telling her that I would wait for her to change her mind, and that I’d ‘be right here whenever she was ready’. And I continued calling her house for at least two weeks afterwards.
(She never picked up. And it was only after a year or so that I found out this chick had caller-ID on her family phone which meant that every time I’d rung and let it ring on and on before hanging up … HER ENTIRE FAMILY KNEW IT WAS ME.
Can you say … MORTIFYING AS HELL?)
From a comfortable distance of 10 years or so, I can now see EXACTLY why this girl was turned off by me so much.
Because, if I had been in her place, pursued by someone who CLEARLY liked me WAAAY too much someone who had no qualms about obviously pursuing me someone who had no PRIDE or DIGNITY about it someone who seemed DESPERATE to ‘get me’.
I would be completely and totally turned off.
Long story short. DOES ‘pursuing men’ turn them off?
YES and that’s the reason why men pull away after getting close.
But this is NOT a gender-specific situation.
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The truth of the matter is that pursuing ANYONE will turn them off man, woman, or ‘other’.
YOU’VE probably been involved in a situation like this: where someone you’re not all that keen on is obviously WILD about you.
Does it make you like them more when they show you how enthusiastic they are?
My guess would be NO.
In fact, it just ends up making you think, ‘Eeeew … please go away now.’
PURSUIT IS A TURN-OFF.
But reciprocity, self-respect, and DIGNITY are turn-ONS.
The plain and simple truth is that both women AND men prefer to be romantically involved with someone who has some PRIDE.
Who has some SELF-RESPECT, and isn’t willing to throw it away just to get some affection. Who has a LIFE going on.
Whose entire existence doesn’t center around the person that they are dating at the moment.
And you don’t always have to ‘pursue’ a man (ringing him, stalking him, doing secret ‘drive-bys’ to see if he’s home) for him to FEEL like you’re pursuing him.
He can detect it even in your ATTITUDE ALONE.
I was talking to my beautiful wife last week, and this very situation came up in our conversation.
We were sitting out in the courtyard drinking cappuccino from her new coffee-maker and she was telling me about a friend of hers – we’ll call her Simran - who ALWAYS drives men away through her devoted, desirous, overly-energetic pursuit of them.
Put plainly, she gets too damn enthusiastic too quickly and ends up STIFLING them.
Let me tell you about a few things that Simran does.
When she gets a new guy, she INVARIABLY:
Gets really ‘close’ with him VERY quickly
Begins to spend a LOT of time with him
Has sex with him almost immediately
Uses the word ‘love’ a lot (she ‘loves’ the sex, she ‘loves’ spending time with him … etc.)
Brings up things with him like moving in together at some point in the future, or taking a mini-vacation together soon
BARRAGES him with texts sometimes sending up to eight texts in a row without waiting for him to reply
Puts up with moodiness and ‘bad behavior’ like the last-minute canceling of plans without a fuss, because she doesn’t want to ‘rock the boat’
Gets upset and feels insecure if he doesn’t call for a day or two.
Here’s the clincher: Simran is always getting dumped. And every time, it hurts her just as badly as the time before.
My wife says that she loves Simran very much, but that it can be really FRUSTRATING hearing about these problems, because the girl won’t listen.
She won’t take the SIMPLE and EFFECTIVE STEP of putting the shoe on the other foot and she’ll never take a moment to think about how her actions are being taken by the guys that she dates.
In other words she won’t take a second to step back and think, ‘Hmm. If I was dating a guy and I’d only been dating him for a reasonably short period of time would I like it if he said he loved me almost straight away?
Would I like it if he allowed me to walk all over him without so much as saying a word?
Would I like it if he used his cellphone like a weapon of mass destruction and sent me a bazillion texts a day?’
If she could just THINK ABOUT IT CLEARLY, I bet she’d know exactly how much her behavior is turning guys OFF.
I will say it again pursuing ANYONE, whether they’re man, woman, or alien, WILL turn them off.
That was the reason in her situation every time she dated a guy they pulled away after getting close.
So how can you tell if your behavior counts as ‘pursuit’?
What if you’re just a really enthusiastic person by nature, and like to tell people how special they are?
Hate to say it, but that doesn’t necessarily make any difference to the outcome.
Even with the best intentions in the WORLD, when it’s ‘early days’, you still need to figure out how your attentions will be received – so you can figure out whether you need to take a step BACK or not.
And here’s how you can tell if you are ‘pursuing’ a guy PUT THE SHOE ON THE OTHER FOOT.
Before you use the word ‘love’, or ring his house 20 times in a row, or call his phone ‘just to hear his voice on the answerphone’ and then hang up before the machine starts recording think this to yourself:
WOULD I LIKE IT IF HE DID THIS TO ME?
And don’t worry. I know what you’re going to say here.
You’re going to say, ‘YES, of COURSE I would like it if he did that to me! I WANT him to talk about love, and miss me, and think about me lots, and call me all the time!’
Clearly, such a mindset is NOT going to help you figure out how your behavior will be received.
That’s why you need to use the LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR.
In other words: assume that it’s not a ‘given’ that he feels about you the way you feel about him.
This is known as having an ‘attitude of healthy questioning’ and will effectively STOP you from becoming complacent and STOP YOU from just assuming that your actions are received in the same manner that they were made.
And then ‘put the shoe on the other foot’ again.
In other words reverse your positions. Put YOURSELF in HIS POSITION.
Imagine that a guy who you’re not all that keen on YET - but who you COULD become keen on given the space and emotional room to do so - is ringing you up all the time, talking about how much he cares about you, and making plans for the future.
If you’ve ever been in that situation before, you’ll already know that behaving like that does NOT make someone care about you more, like you more, or want you more.
In fact it makes them want you LESS.
If you’re the kind of woman who has a track record of ‘smothering’ guys, and if your own ‘instincts’ are clearly WAY OFF TARGET HERE, then assuming the worst is realistically the ONLY way to make sure you’re not scaring people off by being TOO ENTHUSIASTIC.
Face it: if you’re anything like MOST people (men OR women) in the throes of a new relationship, your instincts are not to be trusted.
When you’re in the ‘first flush’, your instinct is to think the BEST of everything and imagine that there’s no WAY they could be feeling anything for you but what you feel for them.
(The little voice of caution tends to get swept away in the heady tide of endorphins sweeping through your bloodstream.)
That’s why you need to assume the WORST.
Doing so is the only way that you will reliably be able to BACK OFF and give the man the space he needs to develop a similar yearning for you.
And if he DOESN’T develop that yearning if all that effort and ‘assuming the worst’ on your part DIDN’T work well.
You still haven’t lost anything, because you can trust me when I say that allowing your enthusiasm and affection to run rampant would only have EMBARRASSED YOU in the long run and would have made NO difference to his eventual decision (except for, possibly, creating a STRONGER desire to ‘end it’.)
Let me sum this up for you: YES, pursuing men will turn them off.
The same is true for MEN pursuing WOMEN.
If, like MOST PEOPLE, you cannot trust your instincts and ESPECIALLY if you have a ‘track record’ of scaring guys off with your rampant affection, attention, and desire you need to ASSUME THE WORST when you are dealing with them.
Assume that they DON’T like you all that much YET but that, given enough space and time, they WILL.
Remind yourself of that ‘eew, yucky’ feeling you’ve had in the past when guys have come on ‘too strong’ to you.
And then think about YOUR guy, feeling that way about YOU.
Consider this little technique your ‘safety mechanism’ for PREVENTING your natural instinct to ‘pursue and conquer’.
I will stop here. If you loved reading this article on why men pull away after getting close you’ll definitely love this POWERFUL VIDEO PRESENTATION BELOW.
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My name is Manish Yadav and I’m the owner of the blog "Love Finds its Way". My advice does away with the manipulations and mind games recommended by magazines and the surface level advice of TV gurus… We’ll dive DEEP into the psychology and biology of desire and give you actionable steps you can use today. Over 900,000 men & women have transformed their relationships as a result, and I've been featured in Lifehack, Return of Kings, Menimprovement, Urban Dater, and so on... ...and no... We're not here to play games so you can manipulate your significant other... ...My only intention is to help you and your partner have a healthy and loving relationship by working on your intimacy with each other. And we’re just getting started!
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