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Have you ever had that sneaking feeling that something’s wrong … but you weren’t quite sure how to figure out what that something is? And wondering thinking why men become distant.
I can tell you that this is pretty common among women when they know in their heart that their man is becoming distant.
And it’s been many of my female subscribers personal experience that, when you feel like something’s wrong, it almost definitely is which means that listening to your instincts is pretty important when it comes to men and relationships.
Look: I know how you guys work. Women seem to love to reassure each other and tell each other that ‘nothing’s wrong’, even when all evidence points directly to the contrary.
It’s all about not hurting each other’s feelings, rather than serving up a plateful of good old honest TRUTH.
And hey, that’s cool. I don’t have a problem with that.
But if you want to actually GET AHEAD when it comes to men and relationships, sometimes it’s necessary to ‘bite the bullet’ and face up to what’s really going on and find out why men become distant.
Let me put it another way and learn the secret sauce to get his interest back in you again.
If YOU feel like something’s amiss – even if your friends are telling you that everything’s fine – chances are, YOU are right and THEY are wrong.
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This is the reason why so many women KEEP on experiencing a consistent LACK of results with men and relationships because they’d prefer to IGNORE their own instincts and ‘hope for the best’ and just keep doing what they’ve always done, even if it doesn’t actually WORK.
May as well bury your head in the sand.
The trick to dealing with this is to learn to tell the difference between your HOPES and your INSTINCTS learn to TRUST your instincts and work with what you feel is the truth.
In this article, I’m going to shine some light on those instincts of yours to make you understand why men become distant.
And also point out a simple and basic ‘flaw’ in how MOST WOMEN deal with ‘aloofness’ from their man and give you a couple solid solution’s for handling this little issue in a way that’s quick, easy, and even downright fun.
When most women encounter a guy who’s suddenly ‘withdrawn‘ into his cave and who is acting ‘aloof’ whether they know why he’s doing it or not … here’s how they usually react:
They immediately start trying too hard to please him.
Now, I’ll be honest here: ‘some’ effort is necessary in order to have a successful, mutually-fulfilling relationship. That’s obvious.
But trying too hard, and bending over backwards, is NOT the way to a man’s heart – at least, not a QUALITY man.
Unfortunately, many women don’t realize that. They seem to think that ‘just trying harder’ will make him love them more.
This is WRONG!
As a matter of fact, I was talking with one of my clients about this very subject just the other day.
He mentioned the fact that his girlfriend is ‘always hanging around the house’ and ‘always trying to mother him’ whenever she thinks that something’s ‘wrong’.
For example, if he seems quieter than usual, or not as funny, or a little bit grouchy, she immediately packs in whatever plans she may have had, gets all worried, and starts following him around with an anxious look on her face, asking him lots of questions about how he’s feeling and whether everything is OK.
HINT: this particular guy is pretty similar to just about every other guy on the planet, in the sense that he needs some SPACE from time to time.
ESPECIALLY when he’s feeling ‘less than happy’ about any particular aspect of his life.
He doesn’t need to TALK about it.
He doesn’t need you to DISTRACT him.
He just needs to be LEFT ALONE until he’s ready to SPONTANEOUSLY ‘come out of his cave’.
You cannot lure him out with questions or emotional upset.
In fact, reacting this way to a man’s ‘distance’ or ‘moodiness’ is often the best way to drive him further away than ever.
Seriously. Men tend to fall in love in the ‘spaces’ of a relationship – the times when you are ABSENT.
Anyway: back to this guy’s situation.
His girlfriend – like so many other women – didn’t seem to realize this basic fact of masculinity.
And, since he himself is such a nice, polite guy, and since he didn’t want to throw her nose out of joint, he didn’t want to SAY anything to her in case she took it the wrong way and got upset.
Instead, he reacted TYPICALLY of most men: he just got a little more aloof, a little more distant, a little more ‘lost in his thoughts’ and hoped that, somehow, she’d take the hint and back off a little bit.
Did this work?
Instead, she just seemed to TRY EVEN HARDER. Instead of backing off a little bit, the woman just put even MORE EFFORT into trying to ‘make him happy.’
Here are some of the things that she did:
Cooked him his favorite meal.
Dressed up in a sexy lacy lingerie out fit.
Spent extra time on her hair and make up.
Spent a lot of time asking him ‘what’s wrong’ and ‘did I do something to annoy you?’ and telling him that he ‘seemed distant’.
Came up behind him and gave him foot rubs and shoulder massages when he was reading, watching TV, or sitting in front of the computer.
When I had this conversation with my client, my heart went out to him – and to his lady friend.
Clearly, his well-being was REALLY IMPORTANT to her. And clearly, she wanted him to know that she cared about him and that she was worried about him.
And he’s lucky to have such a caring, generous woman. I made sure to tell him that.
But truth be told, I was ITCHING to have just a 5-minute conversation with her, and tell her that, if she wanted him to come out of his ‘cave’ and start paying attention TO HER, this is what she should have done:
Thrown on some cute clothes, maybe put on a little lip-gloss, and headed OUT THE DOOR to go do something FOR HERSELF.
And here’s the clincher: she should have done so WITHOUT asking if he wanted to come, asking if he ‘minded’ if she headed out, or asking if he ‘needed her around the house’ for anything.
Here’s the reasoning behind this attitude:
If a guy’s being aloof or distant, that is your signal to get some pride. If he’s being aloof or distant, he literally DOESN’T DESERVE any ‘special attention’ or ‘special treatment’ from you.
And if you give it to him when he’s behaving like that, know that you are creating a MONSTER.
What he DOES deserve and what’s only FAIR and what is realistically the ONLY way that you can react consistently to such a situation while also maintaining your SELF-RESPECT and STRENGTH is to take a leaf out of his book and get a little ‘aloof’ yourself.
It’s not about playing games. It’s not about manipulation. It’s about seeing the situation for what it is knowing that your own caring, loving instincts actually may NOT be what you need in this situation and doing something that feels good for you, that doesn’t require you to bend over backwards or ask for reassurance that you’ve done nothing wrong, and that WORKS FOR HIM TOO.
It could take the form of ANYTHING. You don’t necessarily have to go OUT anywhere (although, frankly, it does help.
Especially since, oftentimes, a guy who’s being ‘aloof’ is actually crying out in secret to have the house to himself for a while.)
You could grab a book, get comfy, and go read for a while.
Or put on your favorite movie and make some popcorn.
Or go email your sister in Dubai.
Or get on the phone and start chatting with your girlfriends.
Or give yourself a facial.
Or get out your yoga mat.
Or lose yourself in your own thoughts.
Realistically, you can do WHATEVER as long as the main focus is on YOU, not on HIM, and as long as you’re not tempted to start undoing all your good work by asking him what the matter is or acting worried or really taking ANY notice AT ALL of the fact that he’s acting ‘funny.’
Because dealing with a guy is similar to training a dog, in the sense that ANY attention is usually seen as a REWARD.
If you want a particular behavior to just ‘fade away’, you have to ignore it. If you want him to keep doing something, you need to reward that behavior with attention.
So if you ‘reward’ him for his aloofness with extra attention, worry, sexy lingerie, and cookies, he’s going to find it a lot easier to get aloof in the future.
We all LOVE to get attention. We love to feel special and cared for.
And a lot of the time, it can actually make us feel GOOD, in a way, to know that someone cares about us enough to worry about us, ask if we’re OK, and generally try to make sure we’re happy.
So if you spend a lot of time running after your guy, ‘picking up after him’ emotionally, and expending a lot of EFFORT in ‘putting him first’ and trying to make sure he’s happy, then you are sending a VERY SPECIFIC MESSAGE TO HIM.
That message is this: ‘All you have to do to pull my chain is take a step back. If you say ‘jump!’, all I’ll say is ‘how high?’
Trust me. When a guy knows he’s got you … HE’S GOT YOU.
And that’s why you’ve got to be careful about how you react when he’s feeling like ‘tossing his toys’ … because you do NOT want to forge a habit here.
I am as serious as a heart attack. Just leave him to it. Give the guy some room.
When he is ready, he’ll come out of his ‘cave’ all by himself. In the meantime, you’ll have had some fun ‘girly times’ to yourself while he was in there … and then you’ll both be feeling refreshed, energized, and raring to go.
Not a jot of resentment or irritation in sight.
No compromising of dignity, or wasting your time and attention on someone who’s currently not actually EARNING THE RIGHT TO RECEIVE IT, required.
And how much better does this sound to you than fawning all over him and focusing on HIM?
How much more empowering does that sound?
And let’s face it – how much more FUN is it to go do something nice for yourself than hanging around, asking some sulky dude what the matter is?
You can take my word for it (not to mention, literally every single male client I’ve ever had who’s brought this issue up.)
If a guy is acting ‘distant’, let him have all the distance he wants – WITHOUT making an issue of it.
It’s a good idea to ask him if everything’s cool ONCE, just to make sure that nothing really IS wrong and that he doesn’t need your help.
But if he says, ‘Nothing’s wrong,’ or, ‘No, I’m cool,’ then I suggest that you respect what he says and take his response at face value.
Then go do something YOU want to do that doesn’t involve him.
Chances are, when he notices that you’re perfectly happy to enjoy yourself WITHOUT him and that you’re not getting your panties in a twist worrying about his little mood he’ll snap right out of it and want to wedge himself back into your day once more.
If you’re anything like most women, you’ll have had a fair amount of ‘advice’ thrown at you about what men REALLY want in a woman.
Here are a few examples of what you may have heard:
‘Always look your best. Men like women who are well-groomed and who take care of themselves.’
‘Lose those extra pounds. Overweight is not what we’re aiming for here.’
‘Don’t speak on the phone for more than 10 minutes.
Always be the first to end a conversation.’
I’m sure the women who came up with these ‘gems’ had good intentions and that, on some level, they REALLY DID believe that these kinds of things would actually help a woman to keep a man’s interest.
But the real deal is that it’s not things like your weight, your clothes, or the length of your phone-calls that counts.
It’s actually your ATTITUDE and how you let it affect your relationships. Sounds almost irritatingly commonsensical, doesn’t it?
But the truth of the matter is, MOST WOMEN actually don’t realize just how important the ‘bedrock’ of their personality really is.
They get all tied up with how they LOOK, how fresh their breath is, and how well he gets on with their friends. And yeah, these things do count – but they won’t make or break your relationship.
I want to take a look at the number-one characteristic that ANY WOMAN literally NEEDS to have if she wants to create a lasting, fulfilling, outrageously rewarding relationship with a great man.
Because truly great men tend to expect similar levels of greatness from the women they fall for and take my word for it, you CANNOT be a ‘great woman’ if you don’t have this characteristic dialed.
In this article, we’re going to take a look at the Biggest Secret of Popular Women: the one ‘must-have’ personality attribute that makes the difference between a real relationship, and something short-term that’s destined for the recycle bin.
Here’s the number-one Ideal Characteristic from a man’s point of view.
You Are An Independent Lady (While Still Making Him Feel Special And Adored)
This is something that a LOT of women have real difficult balancing out.
It’s like they either know how to ‘be independent’ OR they know how to ‘make him feel special’. They just don’t know how to walk that middle ground.
Truth be told, it’s really NOT that hard. Here’s the essence of what I mean.
‘Independence’, in terms of relationships, basically means that you know what it is to have – and hold on to – your own life.
It means that you don’t suddenly ditch all your friends and sucker yourself on to his. It means that you don’t suddenly develop an interest in all of HIS hobbies while simultaneously forgetting about your own.
It means that you’re OK with taking a little weekend getaway with the girls every so often.
It means that you don’t suddenly quit your job and file your ambitions away under ‘someday/maybe’ the moment you get married.
It means that you HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE, and LOVE HAVING IT just like you love your relationship.
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It means that you spend a balance of time doing your ‘own thing’, and gaining enjoyment from all the pastimes and people you loved spending time with before your current man came on the scene while still openly loving the time you spend with him.
Now listen up: all this SOUNDS nice and straightforward and easy and yet, MOST WOMEN don’t actually implement this in their own life and their own relationships.
Here’s what usually happens.
As soon as they get a new boyfriend, they completely forget about the ‘core’ of their life prior to this relationship.
They stop working out, they stop hanging with their friends, they ‘forget’ to spend time with family, and they pretty much start spending ALL their time with the new man.
… OR …
They get so freaked out at the possibility of ‘relying on’ a man for pretty much anything that they spend TOO MUCH energy doing ‘other stuff’ and basically try to prevent their relationship from affecting ‘normal life’ in any way at all.
Think of Miranda from Sex and the City to really get this image straight in your head.
If you’re a SATC fan, you’ll remember the episodes when she first started dating Steve the bartender.
She was too freaked out to stay in bed and cuddle with him – she just HAD to get to the Laundromat and her spinning class and keep her entire life on the straight and narrow.
She didn’t want to introduce him to her friends in case it ‘didn’t work out’ – she just HAD to be cynical, awkward, and expect the worst.
She didn’t want to try and fit into his schedule – she just HAD to stay rigid and inflexible.
She didn’t want her life to change AT ALL.
If you can even remotely identify with either of these ‘personality types’, it’s OK.
Take it with a grain of salt. Literally most women – and I speak from my years of experience as a professional dating and self-development coach here – have difficulties with identifying too much with one or the other of these.
And it’s OK. Really, it is.
The problems only start showing their ugly little heads when you don’t try to DO anything about it.
Because after a while, even the most forgiving and otherwise-perfect of Mr Rights will start to notice that something’s a little ‘off’.
If you’re the ‘clingy’ type, he’ll start wondering where the fun-loving and independent girl was that he started dating (and, to be honest, he’ll probably also wish for just a little more time by himself.)
And if you’re the ‘boyfriend? What boyfriend?’ type, he’ll wish you could try just a LITTLE harder to fit in with his schedule and lifestyle, and have just a LITTLE more faith in the relationship – without worrying that you’re ‘compromising yourself for a man’ or any of that neo-feminist gibberish.
Look: the essence of a great – not ‘good’, but GREAT – relationship is balance.
It’s OK to spend a little time with your friends, your novels, your pets, your crocheting. Whatever it is that you like to do that DOESN’T involve him, you can trust me when I say it’s worth your while to keep up with it.
He’s not going to go away. Your relationship is not going to suffer for it.
In fact, it will actually make things fresher and even more alive between the two of you.
Time apart is healthy – and it reenergizes the two of you so you always have lots to say and do together.
Likewise, it’s OK (and, in fact, necessary) for you to begin including the ‘fact’ of your relationship into your own life.
Bending the boundaries a little is a good thing to do. It’s a hallmark of personal security and confidence. And it’ll give your relationship a shot of energy and passion like you wouldn’t believe.
The bottom line is, ‘compartmentalizing’ your life just doesn’t work when it comes to personal relationships.
There needs to be some overlap there; you can’t prevent this from happening. So don’t be afraid to let your ‘relationship time’ mingle with the rest of your life.
It’s OK to make changes to your schedule to fit in ‘couple time’.
It’s OK to say ‘no thanks’ to your girlfriends if you feel like staying in and snuggling.
Your life doesn’t need to stay exactly the same; having a partner and a relationship means that your priorities will naturally change over time.
So instead of stressing out and spending all your energy ‘trying to maintain the status quo’, focus instead on that all-important BALANCE, and allow for some changeability in your life which will stop your man from getting distant.
Try having some faith in what might happen. You never know – he could just make himself so comfortable in your life that he never wants to leave.
I will stop here. I hope you loved reading this article on why men become distant.
If you really loved reading this article I would love to recommend you something special before you leave.
My name is Manish Yadav and I’m the owner of the blog "Love Finds its Way". My advice does away with the manipulations and mind games recommended by magazines and the surface level advice of TV gurus… We’ll dive DEEP into the psychology and biology of desire and give you actionable steps you can use today. Over 900,000 men & women have transformed their relationships as a result, and I've been featured in Lifehack, Return of Kings, Menimprovement, Urban Dater, and so on... ...and no... We're not here to play games so you can manipulate your significant other... ...My only intention is to help you and your partner have a healthy and loving relationship by working on your intimacy with each other. And we’re just getting started!
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