One question that I have been asked many times by my female subscribers – why he won’t commit?
Why guys don’t commit? Here’s one important thing to note when it comes to men and women—they are quite different! And that’s the reason why he won’t commit.
Not only are they different in their view of the world overall, but they are completely on opposite sides when it comes to the way they think of commitment.
In this article I will reveal 7 points that will help you to understand why he won’t commit.
Though I try to explain this to women and men alike all the time, they don’t really believe it until they can relate to it.
Think of a common scenario playing out in terms of establishing a level of commitment.
I had a good friend who dated his girlfriend for about five years with one small break in the midst of that.
They were both younger, say around 24 years old, and so the furthest thing from his mind was settling down and getting married. She on the other hand was chomping at the bit for a ring.
#1 This is a Scenario That So Many Women Are Familiar With
There was idle talk of the future and of getting married, and though he knew that he wanted to be with her, he wasn’t in any hurry.
His view was that they were in a committed relationship and the years together had proven that he loved her.
He knew that he would probably marry her someday, but he also didn’t want to feel pressured into it.
He felt like they were young, they were having fun, and they were important to each other. So why did he have to “put a ring on it”?
She on the other hand kept thinking that every special occasion would bring an engagement ring.
She envisioned the way that his proposal would happen and when she felt disappointed every time the occasion passed, she would begin the nagging process.
At first it started with subtle hints that she wanted to get married and then it evolved into full-fledged pressure and the threat that she would leave if he didn’t make the move soon.
So you’re probably asking yourself, what happened to this fine couple? The nagging became too much for him and now he was scared to commit.
So he took off, leaving her feeling disappointed and bitter and a bit enraged over his lack of commitment to her.
Though she knew that it wasn’t right that he took this long and she really wanted to move on with her life in a forward direction, she didn’t want to lose him.
He on the other hand freaked out, recognizing his inability to commit to forever just yet and decided that he needed to try things out on his own.
#2 So What Goes Wrong?
When you hear a story like this it may sound outlandish at first, but if you’re really being honest with yourself you have seen this firsthand.
It’s either happened to you or you’ve seen a close friend go through the heartbreak.
I can tell you that this is a situation that I see all the time as couples want different things or at completely different points in their lives.
Getting the two to meet in terms of the definition and level of commitment is not always easy to say the least!
If I tell you that a man wants commitment but has to be completely ready, you may not fully believe me.
It’s very easy for women to go into “man bashing mode” and to talk over all of the negative points about the man who did this with their friends.
Believe me this immature things forces man to lose interest in you.
#3 There Is Responsibility On the Part of Both Men AND Women
Sure some of it may be justified as there are some jerks out there, but is it all about him? Is there any responsibility on the part of the woman in the relationship?
In the end, is it really just about having different views in this capacity? More than likely, that’s precisely what it is.
You see, women do play a part in this but it’s not always their fault. They may have the signs right there in front of them from their man, but they choose to ignore them.
Either that or they don’t want to believe it.
I see women all the time who tell me their story about the relationship that should have ended in marriage instead ending in a breakup.
They relive the steps and then sort of have that “aha moment” when they realize that he simply wasn’t ready.
Is it that he didn’t love you? Is it that he wasn’t sure that you were “the one”?
More than likely not, he could have been completely happy with you and with the relationship, but was simply in no rush.
He could have the very same visions of a life forever with you, but he simply wasn’t ready to take it to that level just yet and he decided to leave you.
That’s when it’s up to the woman to make the decision as to what she wants and the timetable that she’s willing to wait for it.
Before we go any further, it may help for me to break down the real view of relationship that exists amongst men vs. women—this can be quite insightful and ensure that we know what to do in the future.
#4 Women’s View of Commitment Broken Down
If there is any doubt in your mind that men and women view relationships or commitment differently, let’s break it down into simple points.
I have found that when I lay this out for either party that it helps them to conceptualize things much easier.
Here’s the typical view of commitment from a woman’s point of view:
If you’ve been together for a given amount of time (say more than three years), then marriage must be in your near future
If you are older and want kids, then we need to get married fairly quickly
You know you love each other and you’re committed to each other, so why is the next step not happening?
He says that he wants to be with me in the future, so now I should wait for the ring to come any time
He’s planned a romantic night out on his own, so this must be the big night where he will propose
If he isn’t willing to commit just yet, maybe I should put a little pressure on him
Giving him constant or regular reminders that I want to marry him or be with him forever might give him the nudge that he needs.
I see all of my friends getting married, and so it must be my turn soon
A full and constantly changing range of emotions are common for a woman to experience starting with pure joy and elation with the relationship, to frustration and disappointment at his lack of commitment, to anger, resentment and even rage that he won’t take the next step.
Believe me this is the difference between men and women in relationship.
• Remorse when he leaves or gives up on the relationship because she is ready for the next step and he is not
• The push to try and get him back when he leaves, giving up on that next level of commitment for now, if it means that she gets to stay with him (very common ending)
#5 Men’s View of Commitment Broken Down
Let’s contrast the woman’s view of commitment with the man’s view of commitment as it can be eye opening and really help to provide insight.
When you see these two side by side as I have presented to many couples, it shows you why there is so often a disconnect.
Here’s what men are thinking or feeling in this view of commitment:
I’m happy with her and with the relationship as it is
I know that I want to be with her in the future, but that will come later
We’re young and we need to enjoy this time in our lives, so why rush things?
I can’t afford a ring right now and so I’ll get to it later on when I can
- I know that I want to get married, but I am so not there yet!
- I know that I will probably end up with this girl, but I can’t make that forever commitment.It totally freaks me out!
- I see all of these people getting engaged or married around me, and it’s starting to make me panic
- I hate the way that she nags me about this and it actually makes me feel even less ready
- Why is she so mad at me? We’re happy together so what’s the problem?
- I told her that I’m happy with her and we have a good life together, so why isn’t that enough?
- We’ve been together for years, we know that we’re right for each other, and the next step will come……someday
- I’m sick of her little hints and I don’t know when I want to take it to the next step, I am just not there yet—next she’ll want kids!
- If she keeps pushing for commitment and the next level, I am going to run for the hills!
Doing this will confuse him and his feelings for you and he won’t commit to you.
#6 Totally Different Thought Processes and Points of View Contrast
Do you see what I’ve been saying? Men and women just view the whole notion of commitment quite differently.
This isn’t anybody’s fault and it’s not all about the man who is “a bum because he just doesn’t want to commit”—truthfully there is responsibility on either part.
If you look deep down in this common scenario, there were signs along the way that either party could pick up on.
To a man it may not be that he wants to end things, but he doesn’t know what else to do.
I can tell you from all of the couples that I see personally and professionally that breakup doesn’t always have to be where things end up.
It’s a matter of really listening to each other, connecting emotionally, respecting each other’s point of view, and figuring out a timetable and future that works for both parties. In a perfect world that is!
To a woman that gives up or that gets so frustrated that she can’t help but give the ultimatum, you have to really decide what’s important to you.
If you feel that you have given him plenty of time and he’s still stuck in reverse then you have to recognize if that’s enough for you.
If you are sure that he’s “the one” you have to ask yourself if you are willing to wait. In the end you have to know that the nagging will never work!
#7 You Can’t Just Recognize But Need To Apply These Views Too
Sometimes even recognizing these differences isn’t enough if both parties are too far apart in their views.
If they both want to be together but their time tables or goals are different then it’s a hard situation to work through.
If however both parties can be realistic and understanding about how they move forward, then there’s hope.
At this point though it’s important that I just point out these differences in hopes that perhaps just one couple will get it and try to make it work out for themselves.
It may not always be easy, and it may require some negotiation or compromise, but that’s up to the two people to decide.
Suffice it to say that understanding that men and women’s view of commitment is different is the important take away here.
Know this, understand this, remember this, and try to be understanding of this when you inevitably find yourself at this point in your own relationship. It can make a huge difference in how the future plays out!
I will stop here. I hope you enjoyed this article on why he won’t commit. If you really loved it, you will also love my powerful recommendation below.