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Has it been an incredibly long time since you and your partner last made love? Has she lost her libido/sex drive? Do you keep thinking how to boost her libido and increase her sex drive?
Have you tried to reignite the flame, only to be met with issues of shyness, discomfort, or even pain?
Sometimes the biggest thing holding you back from having more sex in your daily life is, well, a lack of sex in your daily life! Confused?
Let’s look at it this way – there is no doubt that intercourse which is primarily painful for your partner isn’t going to be much fun for either of you.
It may be that your lover is recovering from childbirth, surgery, depression, or a simple lack of libido.
It could be that she has been experiencing the side effects of disorders such as vaginismus or others which make intercourse painful or.
Or maybe, just maybe, you are newlyweds and your partner is still inexperienced and that is why she’s finding difficult to orgasm with you.
If your partner is experiencing physical pain during sex, be sure she sees a doctor before you move past step two.
Don’t play games with your sexual health!
Do the responsible thing to boost her sex drive and take care of all the possibilities before coming back to the table to work out the kinks.
For now, even if you have medical issues that need addressing, you can get started by creating an environment designed to get your lover excited about sex again.
Regardless of the reasons, the longer you both go without penetrative sex, the more difficult it can be to get back into the process, especially for your wife.
We often put coping mechanisms in place, allowing ourselves to “turn off” that deep desire within us.
Ignoring the vital sexual energies in the body can be incredibly damaging both to her physical health and your relationship.
Asexuality is certainly a valid life choice, but most people who find themselves feeling this way are suffering from an imbalance of one kind or another, unable to express the deep seated desire in their DNA.
Whatever your reasons requiring a slow and steady build up back to sex, the process can be fun and easy if you two take the time to work and play together.
There is an inextricable link between the presence of arousal and desire, and the pleasure experienced in sex.
No doubt, your lover’s arousal is bound to dwindle if sex is associated in her mind with pain and discomfort.
It is the only way the mind can cope with such a basic need being denied the body!
Sometimes we focus on the root of arousal and desire and try to build those up through mental and emotional stimulation… but if the problem is in the body, that’s where we need to start!
We talk about foreplay a lot around here, so that should give you a clue.
It’s step number one because it’s important!
You should be thinking about foreplay all through the sexual experience – when you are flirting, when you are kissing here, when you are caressing, undressing, fondling, fingering… every step of the way.
But the real foreplay starts long before the first touch.
Foreplay should be about communicating, “I have desire.”
And “I have desire” should not be equated with, “Let’s have sex right now!” Desire is a good thing.
We often treat desire as a malady that requires immediate satiating, an itch that needs scratching, and an unquenched thirst leaving us dry and parched.
Certainly going too long without addressing one’s own desires can lead to this lost-in-the-desert attitude, but one of the keys to restarting the fires of passion is to give the flames some room to breathe.
Don’t suffocate your newly lit fire with more fuel than it can handle!
Let your desire spark and smoke, let the flames lick at the fuel ever so gently, let them grow slowly to the roaring flames that heat your home and the burning embers that keep your love warm as you go about your every day.
With a woman who, for one reason or another, has been unable to enjoy sexual intercourse for any length of time, she is likely to need both reassurance and a very low-pressure environment before moving beyond foreplay.
Hearing about your need for sex without concern for her pain will make her feel even more guilt and shame about her past and present experiences, causing her to be less-than-hopeful about her future and eventually increasing her sex drive will become almost impossible.
Your first task in this endeavor is to ensure that your wife feels beautiful, desirable and loved.
This will certainly boost her libido and sex drive.
What do you need to do to show her these things?
Tell her that she looks great without being prompted.
Say it with heat in your eyes, without pushing her for sex.
Go in for a long, passionate kiss and then go on about your day without expectation.
You need to communicate to her that your love and desire are not based on her reciprocation with intercourse.
Drop hints about your own sexual desire without being over-the-top or putting her on the spot.
In particular, focus on the things you enjoy that don’t involve intercourse.
Do you like kissing and cuddling?
Are you in love with her body and enjoy just massaging and touching her skin?
Have you been dreaming about blow jobs and hand jobs for weeks?
While these things may still make her a bit nervous, especially if she isn’t feeling very sexy, they don’t carry the same weight of fear as painful sex.
One of the most important factors to foreplay is sensual engagement.
We often think about it in one of two categories – our words and our touch – but narrowly defining it so leaves out so much amazing opportunity for erotic enjoyment!
What does your wife really love about sensual experiences?
Don’t just make an effort not to smell bad, but please do make an effort not to smell bad by practicing proper hygiene (shower, shave, brush your teeth!), which will help with the next sense as well!
Instead of stopping once you’re out of the shower, give yourself permission to smell really good.
You don’t have to go out and buy the most expensive cologne know to man.
In fact, women have been shown to be attracted to some very simple scents – vanilla, lavender, pumpkin pie (spices like cinnamon, all spice and clove) and cucumber.
Slice up a cucumber into some warm water from your shower and use it as a rinse just before drying off.
Rub a bit of coconut oil with a simple scent infused into your skin after washing or shaving.
Light a naturally scented candle or burn a bit of incense to make the house smell nice.
These aren’t just short-term quick-fixes, but long term solutions.
When your lover begins to associate being at home with comforting scents, or being in your arms with arousing aromas, she begins to take on a personality of comfort and arousal every time she walks in the door, every time you wrap yourself around her!
The most closely associated with scent, our sense of taste can bring back amazing memories, or leave us feeling dull and lifeless.
Eat healthy food that makes you feel happy and alive! Use fresh herbs that encourage arousal, or cook a favorite meal that reminds you both of better times together.
Again, keep yourself clean and smelling great with natural scents which won’t put a terrible aftertaste in her mouth if her lips go on a bit of an adventure across your skin.
Use cocoa butter and/or coconut oil as a moisturizer and your entire body will taste like a tropical treat!
Making your lover feel beautiful and desirable isn’t just about ensuring that she looks great… it also means showing her that she’s worth being with someone who looks great themselves.
Put in the effort!
Get dressed up!
Groom your facial hair, brush and floss your teeth, clip your nails, brush your mane and clear up that dandruff, put on something that looks nice, spritz on something that smells nice… and smile!
Your smiling face, a look of lust in your eyes can communicate so much more to her than words alone.
And don’t stop just because she does something silly like rolling her eyes or waving you away when you express to her how beautiful she is today, whether she’s in her sexiest little black dress or yesterday’s sweats.
For many women, we try to dismiss compliments that might make us face our deepest fears and insecurities about ourselves.
The more you say it with integrity and honesty, the closer she will coming to realizing its truth.
Don’t be scared or surprised if something unexpected happens.
The next time you hold her close, look in her eyes and tell her that she is beautiful and loved, she might just burst into tears.
Don’t freak out! Hug her and hold her closer.
Tell her that she will always be beautiful in your eyes, and that she isn’t just a physical beauty, but that her spirit shines brightly as well.
Smile so she can smile with you, and compliment her luscious lips.
Whatever you do, don’t give up on her ability to grow and to accept herself as the beautiful and incredible woman you love.
There are two types of sound which can directly affect your lover’s arousal and sex drive– those that come straight from your mouth, and the ambient sounds of a comforting environment.
Your spoken words can hold a lot of weight, so be conscious about how you speak not only to her or about her, but to the other people in your life.
What kinds of sounds fill your home?
Are you constantly watching TV news, crime dramas and horror movies filled with explosions and gunshots and screams of terror?
Do you spend most of your audio attention on television or radio advertisements, or going over the tedious details of your day?
Do you yell, scream, cry, whine, or insult each other?
Or are your words uplifting, encouraging, and empowering?
Or do you use sultry sounds of classical or Latin music to spice up the atmosphere?
Are your words calm and comforting, or urgent and demanding?
Do your sighs or huffs of frustration give away emotions that aren’t being honestly portrayed in your words?
If your words are not congruent with your actions, if you are saying one thing and doing another or saying that you’re “fine” when you obviously aren’t, your words become less trustworthy and it will eventually affect her sex drive and libido negatively.
Learn to speak your mind and your emotions without placing blame for your feelings onto your partner.
Learn how to speak in soothing tones and sexy voice to one another before recounting the details of your day, so you can sink into the relaxed feeling of being back at home together.
The sounds of your home, whether a beloved music or the sound of the ocean should put you both into calm, relaxed and centered states of mind.
Finally we come to touch! Casual touch is as vitally important to increasing her sex drive as sexual touch.
A hand on her arm, a kiss on her cheek, even a light swat on the bum can encourage her to express and develop her arousal.
How does she react to your touch?
If she flinches or pulls away, she is still acting from a place of fear and insecurity.
In order for you both to enjoy sexual connection of any kind, she needs to know that your touch can be pleasurable.
Touch her with love and comfort every day until this message becomes clear.
She should also be encouraged to explore touch on her own.
Ask her to spend some time each day before you come together intimately, simply touching her own skin with the quality of touch that you exhibit.
I’m sure this one comes as no surprise to many of you who have been around for a while, but it stands re-iterating here.
A woman who experiences pain during penetration is likely to need even more lubrication that someone who is dry but dilated.
Test out a variety of lubricants before moving on to any kind of penetrative sex.
While a natural, oil-based lube will tend to soak into the skin, which can be very useful for making it more supple and elastic, so don’t hesitate.
Use some unscented and organic like coconut oil and without penetrating, simply massage her inner labia, the outer muscles of her vaginal opening, and her perineum.
Be gently and be especially conscious not too push too hard – you don’t want her to associate this massage with painful feelings.
You should spend several weeks enjoy oral sex and working up to penetration, if you can stand the anticipation.
Whatever you do, don’t go too quick and spoil the build up with a painful wrong turn.
STEP TEN KEEP OUT!
When foreplay begins to lead to something more, there is only one thing you absolutely must remember.
If she feels any kind of pain or discomfort from penetration.
If she even has so much as tensed up or become incredibly quiet during intercourse, you need to make a vow not to penetrate her, even with your fingers, until you have both established a routine of enjoyable sexual contact, penetration free!
Oral sex and manual stimulation are both possible without actual penetration.
If she isn’t yet comfortable with you going down on her, work up to it by playing with mutual or shared masturbation.
You can watch her pleasure herself, or place your hand over hers while you lay beside her and hold her tight, seeing what kind of movement and pressure she uses to touch her clit.
STEP ELEVEN POSITIONING TO INCREASE HER SEX DRIVE.
While you’re waiting to get all the way there, things are going to get heated!
If she gets really into it and you want to try something close to intercourse, have her lie either face down on the bed with her legs together, or flat on her back with her legs tight together up in the air.
From either of these positions, with a well-sized portion of lube, you can slide yourself between her legs, rubbing up against her clit without penetration.
The tighter she squeezes her thighs together, the more stimulation you will both receive!
Positioning may have more to do with any discomfort during intercourse than you might think.
If her pain is not too severe, or only occurs during certain types of penetration, it could be that her uterus is tipped, her vaginal canal is particularly short, or any other physical phenomena that makes deep penetration painful.
Explore new and different sex positions to see if any pain or discomfort is constant or if it comes and goes.
Positions where she is on her back, especially if her legs are raised, can penetrate much deeper than the position mentioned above with her lying on her stomach and her legs together.
In this position, her butt cushions the penetration, making for shallow thrusts.
She can also try getting on top where she will have better control of both the depth and the angle.
You may find that there are simply certain positions that don’t work for you. There is no reason to fret about this.
There are literally dozens, if not hundreds or thousands of different sexual positions to choose from – so many, you probably couldn’t try them all even if you tried!
Use this as incentive to get in even better shape, so you can explore the ones that work really well more often, and try something new and twisted whenever you can to increase her sex drive and sexual pleasure during penetration.
STEP TWELVE DILATION
If penetration of any kind does seem to be an issue, do not go all in, all at once.
If than angle doesn’t seem to matter much at all, you will need to “work up” to intercourse before you try the positioning experiment, with a process called dilation.
Dilation is a method of working up to full-fledged intercourse by gently stretching the vaginal opening and walls to accommodate slightly wider penetration each time.
For many women who experience intercourse as painful, or who have been abstinent or celibate, you will want to start as small as possible – about the size of your pinky finger to get things going.
You can engage in slow, steady dilation all on your own, with your own fingers and/or sex toys in a variety of sizes.
You can also purchase over-the-counter medical dilation kits designed specifically for this purpose.
Dilators come in a variety of sizes, generally with four to six different sizes in a set.
The smallest is usually about the width of a standard tampon, or a small pinky finger.
The goal is to eliminate pain and discomfort, so you shouldn’t advance to a larger size until her experience is pleasurable and at the very least, pain-free.
If your “starting size” pinky finger is still too large to penetrate her without pain, you should consult a medical specialist who can help you find a product that will work for you.
Use the natural oil massage before each session to help with stretching, and be sure that she practices with the dilation method every day at least once.
She can practice on her own if she is comfortable, but you should try to make a regular practice of sharing this intimate exploration together.
For your own bodily dilation kit, try beginning with your pinky finger.
When she can take something larger, replace it with your middle finger. On the next step up, use your thumb.
For the fourth increase, try using both your pinky and ring fingers stacked one on top of the other to form a small cone.
Next use your index and ring fingers together, then your ring and middle fingers.
Depending on your size, you may be able to increase to gentle intercourse at this point, but if you are larger you can try three fingers first – index, ring and middle fingers generally make a good combination.
It may take days, weeks, perhaps even months to move up from one step to the next, depending on the severity of your wife’s pain and how supple and receptive her body is to stretching.
Remember that a good diet and healthy skin are the keys to creating an ideal environment for sexual healing.
My name is Manish Yadav and I’m the owner of the blog "Love Finds its Way". My advice does away with the manipulations and mind games recommended by magazines and the surface level advice of TV gurus… We’ll dive DEEP into the psychology and biology of desire and give you actionable steps you can use today. Over 900,000 men & women have transformed their relationships as a result, and I've been featured in Lifehack, Return of Kings, Menimprovement, Urban Dater, and so on... ...and no... We're not here to play games so you can manipulate your significant other... ...My only intention is to help you and your partner have a healthy and loving relationship by working on your intimacy with each other. And we’re just getting started!