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It takes guts to ask for help when it comes to sex and discussing sex questions?
Even a modern woman who owns a vibrator and has a catalogue of sexual positions can still feel squeamish when something happens “down there” that she doesn’t understand.
A brief glance at women’s forums shows that almost all women have the same concerns about sex:
is it true that women have a lower sex drive than men?
What do you do when your libido disappears?
What does it mean if you experience pain during sex?
How do you respond to your partner when he wants you to do something that you find uncomfortable or distasteful?
That’s why I wanted to devote this issue to addressing some of the most common sex questions that women ask, in the hopes that you won’t feel embarrassed if you encounter a similar problem.
It’s my hope that someday you won’t feel any more embarrassed talking about sexual problems and discussing about your sex questions with your doctors.
Until then, there are many online forums where you can discuss sexual issues anonymously with other women.
Here are a few forums to get you started:
1. Women’s Health Support Forum
3. Love Shack (Sexual & Reproductive Health and Practices)
Question: “My sex drive is higher than my husband’s, and I’m starting to wonder if our incapability means our marriage is over.
He won’t try to have more sex for my sake (we do it a few times a month), and he refuses to talk about it.
He insists that our sex life is fine and that if there’s anything wrong it’s me. I’m thinking of having an affair.
I want to save our marriage but the only way I can stay with him is if I have another sexual outlet.
Answer: When sexual incompatibility issues arise in a relationship, your first instinct is to say nothing and hope that things will get better on their own.
No one wants to draw attention to the problem for fear that admitting it exists will make things worse.
But it sounds like your husband is addressing the problem by hiding his head in the sand.
His refusal to talk about it has only made the issue seem bigger and scarier than it really is.
First things first: what you’re experiencing is absolutely normal.
According to some estimates, up to 1 in 3 marriages struggle with differences in sexual desire.
Relationships that start out fiery and full of passion often cool off into platonic companionship over the years.
It’s not anyone’s fault; it’s just that life – work commitments, buying a house, having children, taking on increased responsibilities, getting older – gets in the way.
Luckily, mismatched libidos do not have to signal an end to your marriage.
You and your husband can work through this … but you’re going to have to do much of the work yourself.
If you really want to save your marriage, you need to go to Clickbank immediately and pick up Felicity Keith’s extraordinary course, Language of Desire – Dirty Words To Make Him Yours:
If you happen to buy the course try the techniques she suggests.
You will be asked to understand what your husband or boyfriend is going through and why he feels threatened by your higher sex drive.
It’s challenging for men to admit that anything might not be perfect with their sex life.
Most men believe that if their partner isn’t satisfied sexually, this makes them less of a man.
Many also believe that women should have a lower sex drive than men, so they feel as if your greater desire challenges their manhood.
This doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it will help you understand why he’s reacting the way he is.
You will also need to take a look at your behavior and see if you might be contributing to your sexual impasse.
How do you treat your husband in everyday life?
Do you treat him with respect, trust, pride, unconditional love, and lots of physical affection?
Or do you find that he often annoys you, doesn’t pull his weight when it comes to housework, argues with you over stupid things, and seems like more work than he’s worth?
It surprises some people that there is a direct link between the way they treat their partners and the way they are in the bedroom.
A couple that fights all the time, even if it’s just verbally or psychologically, is a couple that’s literally killing their love.
When you are critical of your husband or boyfriend, when you nag, or when you get angry or annoyed, your sex life dies an invisible death.
Think of it this way: why would you feel sexually attracted to someone who doesn’t think much of or even respect you?
You may need to stop seeing your husband as the one thwarting you from the satisfying sex life you deserve.
From your message, it sounds like you blame him for not fulfilling your needs.
You may think that if only he would have more sex with you, then you would be happy.
Sorry to say, but it doesn’t work that way.
You need to take responsibility for your own sexual fulfillment in a healthy, adult fashion.
Demanding sex from him, shaming him into doing it, or trying to seduce him will only make him dig his heels in further.
As a temporary measure, if you need sexual release, masturbate more frequently.
Ultimately, your goal will be to restore a satisfying sexual relationship with your partner, but masturbation should help you cope in the short term.
Start changing your attitude towards your husband from one of resentment to one of respect.
Try to remember what it felt like when you first started dating, when he was the most amazing man you’d ever met.
Try to feel that pride and respect you had for him back then.
Look for little ways you can be proud of him today, and list all the reasons that you can feel grateful for having him in your life.
Next, start really taking care of him, without placing conditions on your generosity.
Tell him how much you appreciate something he did, or give him a back massage after a long day, or bring him his favorite beverage before he even needs to ask.
These small, almost trivial acts of affection will inspire a burst of warm, fuzzy feelings in him, feelings that could translate into physical intimacy.
Don’t tell him what you’re doing or expect an overnight change.
Over time, he should be able to feel your attitude change towards him, even if he’s not totally conscious of it.
He may not be able to understand or even verbalize the change, but you should notice his behavior towards you changing, too.
Make the effort to get through to your husband, because if you don’t, you’re literally closing the door on your marriage.
I have heard many women ask if an affair can really be considered “cheating” when she felt driven to it by lack of affection from her partner.
Unfortunately, there is no moral gray ground when it comes to cheating.
We all must take full responsibility for our actions.
We must give up the victim hood mentality that keeps us shifting the blame to other people’s shoulders.
You cannot blame your husband for “driving you” to have an affair.
If you have intercourse with someone who is not your husband, that is your decision and yours alone. Good luck!
Question: “Does anyone know of a good way to restore sexual libido?
I used to have an active sex life with my boyfriend, but about six months ago I totally lost my desire for sex and it hasn’t returned.
I try to masturbate but it’s pointless, I’m just not into it.
It’s not my boyfriend because he’s just as sexy as ever and tries to please me in bed.
I’m worried that this is threatening our relationship, as I can tell he thinks I’ve lost interest in him.
Is there some supplement I can take to get my libido back?”
Answer: The loss of libido can happen to anyone. Being twenty something and having previously had an active sex life is no protection.
It can happen without warning and wreak havoc on a relationship.
Men are not immune to libido loss, but only roughly 15% of men are ever affected by it.
The majority of sufferers – several million in the USA alone, according to the American Medical Association – are women, and the condition is called Female Sexual Arousal Disorder.
The challenge with low libido is identifying its cause.
Here are a few sex questions that might help you identify the source.
1 Are you taking any medications, such as birth control pills or anti-depressants?
2 Are you under a lot of stress?
3 Would you consider yourself depressed?
4 Do you drink a lot or take recreational drugs?
5 Do you have diabetes or anemia?
6 Have you recently had a baby?
7 Are you severely overweight or underweight?
8 Are you experiencing relationship problems with your partner?
9 Are your living conditions difficult to deal with, e.g., too noisy, not private enough?
10 Do you have any beliefs that might make you feel ashamed about having sex?
11 Have you ever experienced any past sexual trauma, such as rape?
If you answered no to all of these sex questions, then you might want to see a doctor to get your hormone levels tested.
Low sexual desire can be caused by low levels of testosterone in the blood or a rare condition called hypothyroidism.
Once you’ve identified the cause, the next step should be obvious.
But if you feel like you’ve been unable to pinpoint the cause, or if your sex drive isn’t returning as fast as you would like it to, there are several things you could do.
First, make an effort to turn yourself on mentally.
Don’t just wait until your body feels up for it: use your brain!
Fantasize, read racy novels, watch erotic films, or pay attention to those things you find sexy.
Plan when you’re going to have sex in advance so that you can savor the pleasure of anticipation.
Second, get your body moving. Yoga, dancing, swimming, pelvic floor exercises, and Pilates are all great exercises to stimulate the flow of sexual energy through your body.
Massage and acupuncture can also help. Finally, try alternative remedies.
Herbal supplements that may have libido-enhancing properties include dong quai (also known as Chinese angelica), ginseng, licorice root, chasteberry, black cohosh, and damiana, although you should consult with a nutritionist before adding any of these to your diet.
Aromatherapy options include jasmine and ylang ylang.
Most importantly, be patient and keep the lines of communication open with your partner.
The last thing you want to do is put pressure on yourself to perform and turn what might just be a simple medical issue into a massive psychological problem.
There are many ways you can express affection physically without having intercourse.
You can always stimulate him orally or manually to keep your sex life active until you feel back to your old self again.
Question: “Hi there, I’m a bit embarrassed to ask this question because it’s never been a problem for me before, but recently I’ve been experiencing pain during sex.
In fact, it’s gotten so I kind of avoid sex without meaning to because I hate the burning feeling I get.
It’s dumb and I hate it, I wish it would just go away, but it hasn’t. I’m afraid to talk to my boyfriend about it. Any ideas?”
Answer: Experiencing pain during intercourse could be something minor, like simply not being lubricated enough before penetration, or it could be something fairly serious, like an STD.
Without a medical examination, it’s impossible to be sure.
I’d suggest that you make an appointment with a gynecologist to get checked out for vulvodynia, vaginismus, vaginitis, chlamydia, genital herpes, ovarian cysts, and so forth.
It seems a bit scary, but think of it this way: if you couldn’t walk on your foot because it hurt too much, you’d go to the doctor to get it checked out, wouldn’t you?
Similarly, if you can’t have sex because of pain, you should automatically get it checked out with a doctor.
Luckily, there are other causes of painful intercourse that you can clear up on your own.
Here are a few sex questions that might help you pinpoint the source.
1 Do you think you might have a yeast infection or bladder infection?
If painful sex is accompanied by other symptoms such as painful urination or a yellowish discharge, you should stop having sex immediately and get treatment.
2 Do you think you might be experiencing an allergic reaction?
Perfumed soaps, scented tampons, the latex in condoms, lubes, vaginal douching, even laundry detergent can all cause painful allergic reactions.
3 Are you getting wet enough? Vaginal dryness is one of the major causes of painful sex.
It can be caused by a number of different reasons: feeling nervous or tense, certain medications, menopause, using a condom without adding extra lubrication such as K-Y Jelly, dehydration, or simply not being aroused enough.
Ask your boyfriend to perform oral sex on you before attempting penetration and see if that fixes the problem.
I shouldn’t need to tell you that you should see a doctor immediately if you’re experiencing any bleeding during sex.
Question: “I recently started dating this guy that I really like, we’re totally into one another and I’m really hoping this leads somewhere.
Only thing is he’s more out there sexually than I am (I’m happy just making love) but he wants to try all sorts of crazy things, most of which I’m up for, except for one thing: back door entry.
He’s been pressuring me to let him try it and he’s even said a few things that make me think he thinks less of me because I said no. I’m torn – I really don’t want to do it but I also don’t want to lose this relationship.”
Answer: Sex is a mutual expression of connection and caring.
It is not a power game where one partner can say, “Do it or I’ll dump you.”
The fact that this guy is pressuring you to do things that you don’t want to do in bed makes me wonder about the longevity of your relationship.
Is he really into you, or is he into having sex with you?
Sometimes, women can get overwhelmed by their sexual connection with a guy and mistake it for something more.
Having great sex together does not necessarily make him a great guy for you.
How do you think he would react if you told him that you needed to call a halt to having sex for the next few weeks?
Would he be okay with that and enjoy hanging out with you anyway?
Or would he get upset and go off in a huff until those two weeks were up?
Your gut answer to that sex question should give you some insight into his true feelings for you.
All men and women like to do different things in bed, and one of the great things about having a new partner is getting to experience a sexual connection that’s different from anything we’ve had before.
It’s great that you’re up for most of the “crazy things” he suggests.
We all need to be open to some sexual experimentation to keep our sex lives exciting and fresh.
But it’s also important to remember that you’re at our most vulnerable in the bedroom.
You need an environment of complete trust and honesty to feel safe experimenting.
That’s why I wonder what will happen if you do decide to go ahead and try anal sex with him.
What if you decide you don’t like it and don’t want to do it again?
Will he pressure you to keep doing it – or, even worse, “punish” you by making you feel bad about saying no?
If you feel like either of these things might happen, I would not suggest that you go ahead.
If, on the other hand, you do feel like you can trust him and that he has genuine feelings for you, then it’s up to you to examine your objections to anal sex and decide whether they have merit.
Educate yourself by reading up on the topic and finding out the pros and cons.
Anal sex can be very painful if not approached properly with a patient partner, and it can take several sessions before you feel comfortable being touched in that area.
Ask yourself whether you think he’s patient enough to take it slowly and allow you to dictate the pace.
Question: “I’ve been with my husband for 5 years and we’re very happy, 2 kids, a pretty good sex life.
But the one thing I’ve never learned to do is come with his penis alone, and I really want to be able to do that for him.
The only way I can come is when he gives me oral sex or stimulates me manually.
Is there a way to learn to come with just intercourse?”
Answer: You speak for many women when you ask this sex question, because less than a third of you can come to orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone.
The simple answer is, yes, there is a way to learn how to come from vaginal intercourse alone.
The only problem is choosing among your various options!
I’ll outline some of the most popular here, but I strongly suggest you do your own research.
This technique was developed in 1988 by psychotherapist Edward Eichel to increase the probability of a woman coming to orgasm during vaginal intercourse.
It escaped its clinical setting in 1991 when Cosmopolitan magazine heralded it as “The New Intercourse,” and Coital Alignment Technique, or CAT, has remained popular with the general public ever since.
CAT is quite similar to the missionary position, but it does require some mastering before you can do it with ease.
Basically, the goal of CAT is to provide steady, hands-free clitoral stimulation during intercourse.
Since the vast majority of women achieve orgasm through clitoral stimulation, this position provides the best of both worlds for women and their partners.
The way you do it is by getting into the missionary position, then having your partner move forward a few inches, towards your head. The base of his penis should be in constant contact with your clitoris.
He needs to make sure his upper body is relaxed, which can be achieved by resting part of his weight on you or on the bed.
Then, instead of thrusting in and out, you rock back and forth, with your pelvises in constant contact.
The success of this technique is evident from the testimonials, and it will make a great addition to your sexual repertoire.
This book by Marrena Lindberg only appeared in May 2007, but it has already revolutionized how we understand our libido.
How much sex we desire is strongly influenced by the food you eat.
Going beyond the notion of aphrodisiacs, Marrena suggests vitamin and mineral supplements, a balance of 40% carbohydrates, 30% protein, and 30% good fats with each meal, eliminating certain foods such as soy, alcohol, and caffeine, and keeping your pelvic muscles toned.
Not only does the diet make sense from a nutritional point of view, but, based on the reports from women writing on her The Orgasmic Diet forum, it also works wonders! It’s available at Amazon.com.
Being able to squeeze your pelvic floor muscles during intercourse will not only contribute to a better experience for your partner, but it may also enable you to come more readily.
If you’ve had children, you know the importance of Kegels.
Most women do their Kegels faithfully until they give birth, then let these exercises lapse.
But Kegels are not just for pregnant women.
They’re important for anyone who desires a better sex life, and they also can reduce incontinence or leakage.
If you haven’t done Kegels before, you can locate your pelvic floor muscles by trying to stop the flow of urine.
The muscles you use to pause during urination are the ones you need to exercise.
There are a number of ways to exercises these muscles, ranging from simply squeezing then releasing them to using vaginal barbells or Ben Wa balls.
The problem with these exercises is that, even though they’re easy to do, they’re also easy to forget.
Try to find a time in your daily routine where you can make them a habit just as automatic as brushing your teeth.
Once you’re comfortable with these exercises, bring your new skills into the bedroom.
When you’re having intercourse, squeeze and release your pelvic floor muscles rhythmically.
You will find that sensation increases dramatically, and this can often be enough to send you over the edge.
You need to understand your own sexual response, and the best way to do that is to pick up a book and read.
There are a number of amazing courses available that can enhance your sex life and take it to another level..
One of the best programs I know that can help you increase your sex life with your man is “Language of Desire” by Felicity Keith.
You can watch the free video here to find out about what men want from you and how you can give him what he desires and at the same time make him reciprocate that feeling for you.
All women need to reclaim their sexuality by understanding their sexual response, taking responsibility for it, and setting goals for themselves.
You don’t achieve a satisfying sex life by sitting back and letting your partner do all the work.
There are so many dimensions to sex, from the spiritual to the emotional to the physical, that few of us ever tap our fullest sexual potential.
You deserve great sex, and if you can lose the shame and embarrassment that accompanies asking about sex, you’ll quickly find that the power for pleasure truly is within your hands!
I will stop here. If you loved reading this marathon guide on women sex questions then don’t forget to watch this free video by Felicity Keith.
My name is Manish Yadav and I’m the owner of the blog "Love Finds its Way". My advice does away with the manipulations and mind games recommended by magazines and the surface level advice of TV gurus… We’ll dive DEEP into the psychology and biology of desire and give you actionable steps you can use today. Over 900,000 men & women have transformed their relationships as a result, and I've been featured in Lifehack, Return of Kings, Menimprovement, Urban Dater, and so on... ...and no... We're not here to play games so you can manipulate your significant other... ...My only intention is to help you and your partner have a healthy and loving relationship by working on your intimacy with each other. And we’re just getting started!